A Bad Night

I got my smokes and lighter and headed out to Terry’s cabin, when I stepped out into the alley ,I saw that Jim had the same idea. They seemed to be having a field day in there and it would be better joining in than lying in your bunk being grumpy.
When I opened Terry’s door I saw Sandy ,Peter, Terry and the lad from Jersey, the laughter died as soon as I entered and an awkward silence descended on the room. Jim walked in behind me and I asked if there was any beer going. Terry nodded toward a case on the deck ,it was still silent. By the look on Peters face I sensed that the recent cause of laughter might have been me. I felt awkward and sat down between Terry and Pete ,I could be imagining things . I looked around Terry’s cabin ,he had put up his boxing trophies and pinned some pictures up of him in various sparring poses .All reminders that he was not a guy to cross ,and I had’nt crossed him ,as far as I was aware.
The silence persisted and I foolishly asked “ Have I done something wrong fellers?” Terry erupted from his seat next to me “ Wrong, wrong!!” his face contorted with rage “It’s you, yer bastid, yer all feckin’ wrong” I was stunned , I looked to Sandy and he lowered his gaze to the deck, I turned to Peter and saw that his face had a spiteful grin. “feckin moneybags Malone” shouted Terry. Looking at Jim, he said “ An ye wiz tryin’ ta buy another mate ternite !!” I was mortified and could not find the words to answer such a charge. What the hell was happening here? They were all very drunk and I knew I could only make things worse so I got up to leave and go back to my bunk. Terry barred my way to the door “ You and me have some sortin’ out to do Sunshine” he said ,he was stripped to the waist and took up a sparring position. I almost fainted, I’m a coward, from along line of cowards. I’d rather run than fight , I did’nt know how to fight! I had the odd scrap ,but never fought a boxing champ. My guts turning to water, I tried to push past him to leave the cabin. His fist slammed into my shoulder ,making me spin backwards. I bounced off his locker and caught him around his waist , locking him in my arms. I did’nt know what to do and so tried to crush him. His body was firm and hard and his arms were free and he was pummelling my back and the side of my head. The pain was excruciating. The rest of the lads just sat and watched , I thought they would intervene ,maybe they wanted me trashed . He delivered a particularly nasty blow by my kidneys and the pain seared through me . I did the only thing I could do at that moment, I bit into his neck!
He jumped back screaming, blood spurting through his fingers. The other three looked shocked and remained motionless. I shot down to the mess room , shaking with fear for what I had just done. Little Jock Duddy was in there, “I’ve a pot o’ tea on, jiz want wan?” he asked. I nodded ,hands shaking ,trying to light a cigarette. ”What the hell have I done?” My mind was racing and the commotion down the alley seemed to die down. Big Jim came into the mess. “Whit ye did was wrang Brian” I looked at him. I knew it was wrong but what else could I have done in that situation. “Ye’ve got to fight him, properly….. Tonight!” I looked at him as though he were mad. “He’ll bloody cripple me Jim; I’m not a fighter” “ Brian” he said “ we’re just about to sail ,if we leave this business unfinished you life won’t be worth ****. Ye’ll be known as a coward forever more and even the deck boy will treat you like ****e. Fight him, if it gets too bad ,I’ll stop it ,but at least ye’ll have tried” I sucked on my cigarette. What Jim was saying was true, I’d seen it happen before and there was no way I could face being treated with the contempt that I had seen other men endure. I nodded my assent .Jim told me to go up on deck and wait for them to come up. ”I’ll keep it between you two, I’ll not let the others come up” so saying ,he went back to Terry’s cabin and I went up on deck to await my beating.
It seemed ever so strange, standing by the open hatch coaming, watching the docker’s loading the cars, knowing they would be going home to nice warm houses and loved ones while I could be going to hospital. I was shaking with both cold and fear when Jim came tearing up through the companionway door. “ Brian lad ,he’s put on his steel tipped boots and has got his knife…….” Terry pushed past Jim and stood there, his arms spread wide ,the Green River knife blade glinted in the deck light. Something snapped inside me, to this day I do not know how it happened and I only have Jims words to explain what he saw happen. I roared with rage and rushed at him, kicking his legs from beneath him ,I turned him over and gripped him by the arse of his pants with one hand and the scruff of his neck with the other. Raising him above my head I smashed him to the deck and then pulled him up by the throat and punched and punched until he fell limp to the deck. All I could feel was a raw ,raging anger ,I had unleashed something terrible from within and just wanted to kill him .I was about to deliver some kicks, when I felt myself being pulled away . Some dockers had seen what was happening and came over to help Jim to stop me. I was blinded with rage and Jim bundled me down to the mess room “ Calm down man, calm down, Jock .get some tea into this feller,” he went out and got some help to get Terry back to his cabin. It took ages for the shaking to stop, I had flashing images of what had just happened , it seemed so unreal. I had been totally out of control. My fists were covered in blood and I could’nt smoke for shaking. I could hear curses in the alley way outside , was this thing going to get worse.? Jim came back in the mess room . “ I think you’d better come and see Terry “ he said. I followed him slowly to Terry’s cabin , the lads in there left silently as I entered ,there was only Terry’s bunklight on and what it illuminated was nauseating to see. He was battered to a pulp. Both eyes almost closed .nose shattered and jaw crumpled. I sat on the bunk beside him, my eyes blinded with tears. “I had done that!!?” I was filled with revulsion . I took his broken hand and held it gently. “God forgive me Terry “ I said .He looked up at me and said , speaking painfully though broken teeth “ I picked the wrong feller there Brian” Jim pulled me away. The ambulance men had arrived and began the task of taking Terry to hospital. I slunk away in shame to my bunk.
Joe, who had been made aware of events by Jim , told me I had done what had to be done “Now get your head down and get some shuteye”.
I learned next morning that Jim, and the docker’s who had witnessed Terry’s knife attack had concocted a tale about Terry falling down the companionway. The ambulancemen had written that down as the cause of his injuries and Jim swore the rest of the lads to stick to that tale. We left Bremen before mid morning and were passing the Friesian Islands that evening , when the Captain summoned us all to the boat deck. He had a thunderous look on his face. “ I’ve had a wire from our people in Bremen. The German police do not believe that our man sustained those injuries in a fall. In fact, so great are those injuries that there could be a charge of attempted murder made against whoever was responsible!” I was blushing to my roots; was anybody going to grass on me?
Both of my fists were badly swollen and I had them stuffed deep into my jacket pockets so they could not be seen. The captain walked slowly along our line “ Is there no one going to tell me what really happened?” Silence reigned. “Right, as you were, it’s a bloody good job we’re leaving German waters or we might have been called back” We shuffled back down to our cabins.
A strange thing happened after that night, I lost my position as joker and wag and gained the reputation of a hard man. Nothing could have been further from the truth . I still live with the events of that night, there is hardly a season goes by when I don’t think of what happened .
About two years later I bumped into Jock Duddy outside Kingston House; we went in for a cup of tea and a pie. We sat chatting about where we had been in the while we had been apart. “ I bumped into that Terry last year” I put my cup down “ How was he?” I asked. “He’d just come out of hospital, been in for eleven months , poor ******* looked like and old man” I felt awful, and have done ever since when I think back on it. Still , the tale is told, too late for Jim to read ,but perhaps I will be delivered of it now.