Anyone can post here,not too rude though!
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Anyone can post here,not too rude though!
:)
An oldie , but goodie !!, to start off the Christmas season !!!.
2008's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'
The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
Bob F :PDT_Aliboronz_24: :PDT_Aliboronz_24:
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband
didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
:)
One or two repeats, but some "goodies" !!
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root ,
and still be afraid of a spider.
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I
Need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
' OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for
about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the
ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours
later he staggered back, almost dead.
'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'
Ron
Subject: New Baby!
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies .... and yet
our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!'
?Not quite? The nurse says, 'Sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when
I pull the thermometer out of his bum
ron
Subject: DON'T INTERRUPT
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..." At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral : Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story, after all it can't hurt to listen?
>
> (
> Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
> family business.
>
> When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
> died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
>
> One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman
> he had ever seen.
> Her natural beauty took his breath away.
>
> 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few
> years, my father will
> die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'
>
> Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later,
> she became his stepmother.
>
> Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
:)
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
"Good old Irish "jokes !!
Paddy & Murphy
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen *****s than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
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Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
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Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Everytime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'
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An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'
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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'
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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'What's his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'
Bob F :PDT_Aliboronz_24: :PDT_Aliboronz_24:
Bob,
I'm amazed that nobody has picked you up on your last selection. I sail very close to the wind with my humour at times but some members on this forum may be very offended by the racial stereotypes who are the focus of many of your jokes.
Kevin;
The kind of jokes you are referring to have been making the rounds for many, many years,- as you may be aware, - and most likely will continue to do so. Personally, I have heard many jokes about Canadians, but that doesn't bother me one bit, - I take them for what they are, just jokes to bring a smile or two, also about many other people, who also take them for jokes. No
racial slur or stereotypes was ever intended in my post,- nor will they ever wiil
be !!!. Incidentally, my very good friend who sent the jokes to me, is Irish !!!!!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by roccija
Sorry Bob - that they've been around for many years doesn't make them right. I'd like to think we've moved on and learnt something. I tell both Scouse and Irish jokes (I'm a mix of the two) but only to people I know well who I know won't be offended. On a forum you don't know who is looking in.
There's many a joke I tell, both on forums and in real life, that some will find offensive - it's just the racist ones I avoid. Once upon a time I laughed as loud as anybody at them, but over time I've come to appreciate the offense they can cause.
well !!
did you hear about the scotsman.?
We scots are said to be mean etc. Yet they say more money goes to charity from scots than anyone else.
Harry lauder made a fortune from the saying that scots are mean.
But I don't think anyone believes it.
It'doesn't offend me in the least.
Of course everyone to their own opinion
Don't you think things have gone over the top.
To me , my sister had a" golly ". Me! never once thought it was a coloured person or even a real person. Same as robersons jam cartoon .
Ron
Here y'are,here y'are ,an Englishman an Irishman and a Pakistani were standing at the bar having a drink and I thought......................................
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
.........what a wonderful tribute to the state of race relations in our country!!!
.
I'm half Irish and half Liverpudlian, and find them really funny. You can only take offence if you look for it!
Fair enough - I give up. Haven't taken offence myself but was concerned others might.Quote:
Originally Posted by M6AJJ
:)
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what......
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.They discovered that they both Brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on
all through the fourth and fifth Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
' Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said To the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers Down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said 'Oh, my Goodness, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBLETS!!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
The Marine
The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the only seat remaining.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! Put this American IN his place !'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong
hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:: PDT_Aliboronz_24:
:)
THE SOUTH --- YOU GOTTA LOVE IT
Tennessee?
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.? D. ?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. ?Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
And this from South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
THE JOURNEY OF MAN!!!!!
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big ***s.
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:nod:
Handling rude customers
For all who work with Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this !
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some
months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service.
A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on
this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able
to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F.... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this)
sir, you'll have to get in line for that too.'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
:)
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
>
> Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
> looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?'
> he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big
> chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been
> eating my porridge?!?' he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the
> serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many
> times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
>
> It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone
> in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear
> who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It
> was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who
> went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and
> croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the **** table. 'It was Mummy Bear
> who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them
> their food, and refilled their water.
> 'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs
> and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
> because I'm only going to say this once.... 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING
> PORRIDGE YET!!!'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Precisely my philosophy for Christmas Dining!
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat step #3.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap: :PDT_Aliboronz_24: :PDT_Aliboronz_24:
:)
Just received this from a friend, and couldn't resist passing it on.
Subject:* *Life lesson*
> Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its
> place was a silver screw.
>
> All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could
> do.Like it or not, he was stuck with it ..... He was sc****d.
>
> All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the
> screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house.... And
> thus, never made any friends.
>
> One day,a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami
> in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The
> next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal
> .
>
> After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant
> monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was
> told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following
> day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man
> immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
>
> During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window.
> In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the
> screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
>
> The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on
> the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there
> was no screw there! Jubilant,he leaped out of bed ...... And his butt
> fell off.
>
> The moral to this is: "Don't screw around with things you don't
> understand --You could lose your a*s."
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
Ha Ha, some good ones there! :nod:
An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Brill! I love those ecumenical jokes,more please,
BrianD
:)
A Maritimer's Chevrolet Christmas song!!!
Turn the sound up
It is almost time for Christmas
Rusty Chevrolet
Sing to "Jingle Bells"
DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW
IN MY RUSTY CHEVROLET
DOWN THE ROAD I GO
SLIDING ALL THE WAY
I NEED NEW PISTON RINGS
I NEED SOME NEW SNOW TIRES
MY CAR IS HELD TOGETHER
BY A PIECE OF CHICKEN WIRE
CHORUS:
OH, RUST AND SMOKE, THE HEATER'S BROKE
THE DOOR JUST BLEW AWAY
I LIGHT A MATCH TO SEE THE DASH
AND THEN I START TO PRAY, EH...
THE FRAME IS BENT, THE MUFFLER WENT
THE RADIO IT'S OK
OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO DRIVE
THIS RUSTY CHEVROLET
I WENT TO THE IGA
TO GET SOME CHRISTMAS CHEER
I JUST PASSED UP MY LEFT FRONT TIRE
AND ITS GETTING HARD TO STEER
SKIDDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY
RIGHT PAST THE NEGAUNEE COPS
I HAD TO DRAG MY SWAMPERS
TO GET THE CAR TO STOP
(REPEAT CHORUS)
BOUNCING THROUGH THE SNOWDRIFTS
IN A BIG BLUE CLOUD OF SMOKE
PEOPLE LAUGH AS I DRIVE BY
I WONDER WHAT'S THE JOKE
I GOT TO GET TO SHOPCO
TO PICK UP THE LAYAWAY
'CAUSE SANTA CLAUS IS COMING SOON
IN HIS BIG OLD RUSTY SLEIGH
(REPEAT CHORUS)
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
One morning, while she was making their breakfast, Harold walked up to his wife, Hette, pinched her on the tuchus and said, ?You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle.?
Although she thought this was a terrible thing to say, she refrained from responding.
Next morning, Harold woke Hette by squeezing her breast. He said, ?You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.?
Hette thought this was unacceptable and had to respond this time. So she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a strong grip, she said, ?You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the postman, the gardener and your brother?
Oy Vey!
Issy goes to his doctor to arrange a sperm count. The doctor gives Issy a small plastic tub and says, "Use this and bring me a sample tomorrow."
Next day, Issy goes back and gives the doctor an empty, pristine clean tub.
The doctor asks, "So? Why is it empty?"
Issy explains: "Well, doctor, first I tried it with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried it with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife Rifka for help. She tried it with her right hand, then with her left, but nothing. Rifka even tried with her mouth - with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but still no luck. We then called in our next door neighbour and she tried it with both hands, and with her mouth too, but with no results, I?m sad to say."
The doctor was shocked. "You mean you asked your neighbour to try?"
Issy replied, "Yes, doctor, but no matter what we tried, we just couldn't open the tub"
Goniff.
:) Now that I've gotten some of my Xmas cards written, I can see about sending some more jokes to keep you lads smiling !!
My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery !!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom
> if Fred and Mary are up yet.
> She replies, "No".
> Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
> His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
>
> Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
>
> She replies, "No."
>
> Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
>
> His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
>
> After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
>
> His mom says, "No."
>
> He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
>
> His mom replies, "Ok Johnny
> tell me what you think."
>
> He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
>
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Story by a Man standing in a queue in a Supermarket........
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in T****'s and was
standing in the queue at the checkout. A woman behind me asked if
I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot
Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my b***s
and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door
Stupid *****.........why else would I buy dog food??
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning..'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your leg, don't come running to me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
Subject:ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
'Bless me Father,for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The
priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire
that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
Good one Julia,
I wish my parish priest was as informative as that. I missed out on a lot as a lad because of him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by captain kong
Brian,
You may have been a slow starter, but anyone who has read your tales knows you played 'catch up' pretty quick once you went away to sea.
:unibrow::unibrow::unibrow:
I have always lived a very sheltered life Kevin.
All the rest was a fantasy and I just lived in hope that one day...........