The word Rum in 1198 came from the word scRUMpy, a typical Gerston abreviation for all long words. It was brewed from all the apple trees that abounded down the Scotland Road of Lahpool in those far off days.
A very popular beverage until the famous Cambrinous Craft Brewery was opened brewing fine Brown ales made from the Gerston Mud.
The `Indies` again was an abreviation of the Owners name, The Indefatigable scRUMpy Distilery, of Walton Vale. Lahpool.
Last edited by captain kong; 01-16-2009 at 09:53 AM.
11 out of 10 for inventiveness - I bow to the Master!Originally Posted by captain kong
As you well know, it was the 17th Century before there was a significant import trade of (sugar-based) rum into the UK. I never knew there was an earlier version. The older I get, the more I realise just how much I've still to learn.
Incorrect as it originates from 1145 (a time incidentally most pubs opened as at 11.45am you'd hear the bolt slide across)
George dRUMmond who also happened to play in the Langolian pipe and dRUM band in the area created the potion as it was cayeld back then to rival mead (from runny'mead') which was sometimes mistakenly misheard as RUMmymead.
This from olde lies of Lidyepule book not elsewhere published on this site. Lies meaning of course, the way the land lies - not as in fibs which this is.
In 1645 Oliver Cromwell was sat in the House of Commons on the banks of Ye Thames, Musing of this and that and of many other things when a court messenger arrived from Up North, He brought news of a `Mud` that made many things in life so much easyer. It was used in the making of bricks, Oliver did want a new Palace to be built, It was used in the manufacture of paints, his boudouir needed a new coat, it also cured the flatulence that was common amongst the landed gentry of the time and last but not least it was better than yeast in the making of Brown Ale, a brew he was not particularly fond of when made of Ye Thames mud due to the use of Ye Thames as an open sewer.
He made enquirys of the where abouts of this magical `Mud`. It was in a place known as Gerston and the owner was one Baron Aspin of Aspin Hall in Bolton, the possessor of Ye Deeds.
He assembled his Army and they marched Up North to Ye Township of Bolton.
After two years had passed he arrived on the outskirts of Bolton his men went into the town for a well earned ale in the alehouse still known as Ye Olde Man and Scythe, They started on the famous Cambrinous Craft Brewery Brown Ale made from the famous Gerston Mud. They had never ever tasted anything as good being from the area known as Ye Thames.
They got themselves very legless and started to fight with the local Woolybacks. The Woolybacks had no chance against a well armed Cromwellian Army and soon they were slaughtered, two thousand Woolybacks were put to the sword, the street outside Ye Olde Man and Scythe ran in rivers of blood. This massacre is still recorded on the Memorial Cross that was erected by Baron Aspin, on the site of ye execution of the Earl of Denby three years before.
Baron de Aspin was in Lahpool visiting his Brother John de Aspin, brewer of the famous Cambrious Craft Brewery Brown ale and one time Seafarer. He was quaffing several firkins of the Brown stuff whilste playing his harpsichord and singing ye old favourite song of Greensleeves, when a messenger arrived to tell him of the slaughter of 2000 Woolybacks in his home town of Bolton.
He was much sorrowed by this news and immediately went back on the ale again.
Finally as the days passed he decided to go home to his beloved Aspin Hall.
He rode his charger down Ye Olde East Lancashire Road and as he arrived on the hill overlooking Bolton he could see a pyre of flames and smoke in ye far distance.
Meanwhile Oliver Cromwell had arrived at the manor known as Aspin Hall, the residence of one Baron de Aspin. He battered down the doors and his men searched ye house for Ye Deeds of Ye Gerston Mud. He searched the great hall, the 32 bedrooms, the banqueting rooms, even the Maids quarters, some of his men having their wicked ways with ye wenches, much to their delight.
Cromwell was much disturbed by not finding ye deeds. He did not know Ye Deeds had been given to the heir of the Earl of Denby now known as the Earl of Denby, two years earlier. So in a fit of Pique he set fire to the great Hall of Aspin. It blazed for seven days and seven nights.
Cromwell was so distraught at the loss of Ye Deeds he turned teetotal, and not another drop of liqour passed his lips and he became a Puritan and went on an extended holiday to Ireland.
On seeing the charcoal embers of his once beloved Great Hall, Baron de Aspin rode back to his brother`s dwelling at the famous Cambrinous Craft Brewery famous for the Cambrinous Brown Ale on the Earl of Denby`s Estate and immediately went back on the ale to drown his many sorrows.
One day whilst under the influence of ye Famous Cambrinous Brown Ale he staggered out into ye local woods in a fierce rain storm to relieve himself against a tree. A flash of lightening struck the tree and he suddenly saw the light.
"What am I doing here?", he shouted at the storm, A great voice from the sky boomed out, "Cos you give me a pain in the ass". He was much afraid of this great voice. "From hence forth you will be known as Kong and become a Seafaring man, go ye to Gerston and sign on ye Mud ships of the great fleet of Mud carriers and go to the three corners of ye known world."
The storm passed and Baron Aspin de Kong was a changed man and also a changed name. He left his brother`s home at the Cambrinous Craft Brewery, a Purveyor of Cambrinous Brown Ale to the Northern Shires, and went to Gerston where he met a Cistene Monk who was a well known Navigator, having sailed back and forth to his old country with Gerston Mud for Ye Holy Father, Ye Pope.
The Cistene Monk sometimes known as Alfonso, taught Kong all he needed to know about Navigating ye worlds oceans and so another famous seafaing man was born. He decided to change his name again when he recieved his Masters Certificate from Alfonso, the great navigating Cistene Monk. He became Aspinale de Kong. Henceforth all his sons and all their sons became seafarers. a big change from being landed gentry, The lands around the Great Hall is now a large council estate full of ruffians and benefit cheats.
This is a true story based on real historical facts.
Last edited by captain kong; 01-17-2009 at 09:31 PM.
New Hayes Hospital 1999
Our reader stirs himself from his reading of the old and charred manuscript to pour a refreshing cup of tea. As he sits sipping the drink he glances over to the Tupperware box and is seized by a mild curiosity. ?What lies therein? he pondered,?Could it be as big a surprise as that box of wonders?? Reaching across for it he notices that it is sealed with ducting tape.?He must have wanted whatever is in there to stay dry? He quickly peeled back the tape and opened the box. Inside were some old envelopes with their contents still within. He lifted one out and saw that it had on the back of the envelope the letters OHMS. Was this an old tax demand. He drew out the letter and unfolded it ,the header page was embossed with the coat of arms of Crown Royal Pursuivant.The letter was dated 8th August 1938.
Scanning the contents he read that it was from the Royal and Ancient Pursuivant, written in answer to a plea entered on behalf of K.J.Keegan, in which he fought for the restoration of the title and deeds to his life and family tree which had been purloined by certain members of the De Aspinall family. The courts Pursuivant had found favour with the plea entered by K.J.Keegan and had issued a Royal Warrant against the family of Aspinalls demanding that they desist in their actions in causing several and varied actions of public and private mischief against the said plaintiff. It also ordered that the Five guineas which the said Baron Aspin had borrowed off the plaintiffs family during the period of the Commonwelth be paid back with interest.
Our reader drew out a second missive from an unmarked envelope ,it contained but one sentence in clear English ,the rest of the page written in a strange and wonderful code,
The signature at the bottom was illegible but the logo beneath it was unmistakeable ,it was a figure like the Golem with the words Mode Humanus enscribed beneath it. Looking back at the English sentence he read again ? The finger is pointing at Aspinale and the action must be expedited ?
The old man began stirring in his bed as he hurriedly restored the contents of the box,he
had great difficulty in refixing the tape to its proper state .
Putting the box back on the bed ,our reader wondered ?Where the hell is this going??
By God this tale is becoming a RUM doo!
Kong, was'nt there also a certain Michael of Aspin who was a jester and sooth sayer at the court of King Charles. I believe there was great treachery by his cousin, Brian of Aspin hall, who ensured his death at the hands of Cromwells' men.
Jeff
6
09.05.1898
I have worked hard these many days to try and keep some sort of order in this
pestiferous place ;since we arrived at La Boca near half the crew are absent ,including our Captain ,who has spent a fortune in the seedier parts of the town. Were it not for our mate Mr Brewer, I feel that all would have fallen to pieces.
Since his arrival back on board , after a weekend spent with several Argentinian friends doing some genealogical research into the family tree of the President of Argentina ,Dr Jose Evaristo de Uriburu ,Mr Brewer has worked like a Trojan getting things back into order.
He was given an audience with El Presidente after the society had made its presentation of the findings ,and during the course of the audience ,the Presidente asked what Mr Brewer was doing in la Boca. Our mate informed his Excellency of the purpose of our voyage and the disasters that had befallen us ,hence our reason for being in his country. When the assembled company heard what cargo we were carrying they became very excited. They knew of the wonderful bricks that were produced with this product and became anxious to purchase it. There was a great deal of contruction afoot in Buenos Aires ,the Nuevo Puerto was arising out of the marshland to the east of LaBoca, this was to be for the berthing of the new steamships and the builders were hungry for bricks.
Mr Brewer opened tentative negotiations with the contractors that the Presidente had arranged to see him. I was despatched to find our Captain, because without him the negotiations could come to naught.
As I searched, I found a trail of mayhem that he had left in his wake, music halls trashed and bars that would never do business again. The Marineros were hot on his tail and Don Lorenzo ,the keeper of the Calabozo was seeking him to have him as a prized inmate. Old Rocko Fairley told me that our Captain had a fearsome reputation in these parts, not for nothing was he known to the denizens of La Boca as El Alehouse.
Mr Fairley espied our Captains somnolent form laying on the steps of the Sailors Home ,he was attempting to go back to his roots mayhap. With assistance of some brawny capatazes ,we were able to smuggle our captains comatose body back on board. These capatazes were hard men, of Welsh.extraction ,they manned the sheep stations on the Patagonian Pampas ,but could talk the sailor talk as many were deserters from the sailing ships before settling with their southern kin. We may have need of their services if we lose any more of our crew.
11.05.1898
It took near twenty four hours to bring our Captain back to sobriety, many cups of rich black Brazilian coffee were poured down his throat before he was compos mentis enow to assimilate the information Mr Brewer had for him.
To make an early sale of the cargo at a greater price than we would have achieved in Valparaiso,not to have to make that awful voyage around the Horn. We could seek a cargo here for a return to Garston ,Argentina was full of goods that would bring a good return on the home market. Thus it is that fortunes are made, and lost!
20.05 1898
Our Supercargo Gedric was given the task of seeking the most lucrative cargo for our return while Mr Brewer used the good offices of one of El Presidentes friends to secure the best price for our Mud.
Deals were struck and the trabajadores were set to work discharging our cargo, the repairs were speeded up as the holds were emptied and our young Supercargo Gedric reported the news of the cargo he secured for home.
Rawhides, many tons of them. He reasoned that the newly formed Tannery in King Street would benefit from such a cargo and would pay a handsome price too.. It was a foul smelling cargo and brought with it swarms of bloated blow flies. They settled everywhere and we spent much time under cover trying to avoid the plague.
Soon the last hatches were battened ,the Shipwright reported that the masts and spars were ready for the worst of storms and that our hull was sound..
We would soon be ready for sea.
And what of our crew? We had only lost one member ,young Paddy had heard the siren song of the South Seas and had embarked with the whalermen to make some money. How he would fare in such rough company was anybodys guess, but I fear he would not have much time for his poetic endeavours on such a vessel.
With the loss of Paddy and the death of young Midshipman Seddon we needed to ship just two beachcombers, Clancy ,a midlander who had spent far to long in the sun, and Luggy ,a old Nor?easterman who had been left behind after a wild weekend as a guest of Don Lorenzo.
The pilot is booked for the morrow and we will sail down the Rio Plata to catch the Trade winds for a swift journey home.
I look forward to the clean stiff breezes that will rid us of this nauseous swarm, three days should do it and then I will set myself to the labours of recording the story of the Brotherhood.
Sadly,there were no letters from home.
20.05.1898
Michael de Aspin was only a half member of the de Aspin family. He was born on the other side of the blanket after a dalliance by Baron de Aspin and a serving wench known as Miss Lilac in that house of ill repute, Ye Olde Man and Scythe, in the square in ye township of Bolton.
Unfortunately he had news of Baron De Aspin coming into possession of Ye Deeds of Ye Gerston Mud. He always wanted an allowance off ye Baron. Ye Baron found he was an embarrassment to the Family honour and banished him from Bolton.
It transpired that the messenger from Up North who delivered the news of the amazing Mud to Oliver Cromwell at the House of Commons was no less a person than Michael de Aspin. He was a traitor.
He tagged along with Oliver`s Army when they marched Up North to seize the said Deeds from Baron de Aspin in Aspin Hall in ye olde town of Bolton, hoping the Baron would be killed and then he could take over the title and the Hall.
News of Michael`s treachery reached the ears of the Baron de Aspin and a search warrant issued for his capture. Michael was the only man to survive the slaughter of ye 2000 Woolybacks by Oliver`s Army, proving he was in cahoots with Oliver.
One Jeffery de Glass, named as such for he had a glass eye, and flew like the wind all over the country, learned that Michael de Aspin was a frequent visitor to that well known den of iniquity, Dirty Dicks, in Wapping in ye City of London..
He paid two ruffians a guinea each to help him to despatch Michael de Aspin.
They waited until he staggered out of that hostelry to relieve himself over a stray beggar who was lying in the gutter, and they pounced,. Throwing a sack over the head of Michael they bundled him into a cart and transported him down to Wapping Creek.
A hole was dug at low tide and Michael was buried up to his neck and then they waited for ye tide to come in. As they waited they quaffed a few bottles of John de Aspin`s Cambrinous Craft Brewery`s Brown Ale out of some bottles that Jeff de Glass had brought with him from Up North.
Michael`s screams for mercy soon turned to gurgles as the tide swirled over his head and then he was gone.
The Baron de Aspin had revenge at last for his evil son`s treachery.
Last edited by captain kong; 01-17-2009 at 12:53 PM.
lost
I did say cuff me to the mast.
Oh as I was young and easy in the mercy of his means,
Time held me green and dying
Though I sang in my chains like the sea.
Dylan Thomas
I'm awaiting a mention of the doomsayer who started the temperance movement in opposition to all the rum swigging - Baron Le Monade.
Tis' true. The one named Jeff de Glass was an ancester of mine. The afore mentioned eye was lost in a poker game to a sea fareing wastrel who wore a patch over both eyes.
The name goes back to the times of the Norman invasion. A certain Duke Julian de Glass, a member of the French Nobility who fought valiantly alongside William. (Though twas' said he would always test which way the wind was blowing before deciding who to fight for, a trait still in evidense to this day in the now named 'Glasser' family.) He had laid with a local wench believed to go by the name of 'Naked Cadillac' or something very similar, resulting in the long family line of de Glass.
Over the centuries the name has cropped up whenever any underhanded and devious acts have been reported in the broad sheets and tabloids from all counties of this fair Isle. As has been noted, he once sailed as Tiger to the notorious Captain Aspinal, and was the only person who could safely handle the Captain when he was in one of his frequent drunken rages.
Last edited by Jeff Glasser; 01-17-2009 at 12:17 PM.
A few Centuries later, the Earl of Denby having lost all his money again on the Horses at Aintree had the Bailiffs hammering on his door at the Great Hall.
He only had one recourse and that was to disappear. He changed his name by deed poll to the Earl of Standley, The bailiffs came and he proved that he wasn?t the Earl of Denby as he was the Earl of Standley and claimed he had no idea of the previous Earl`s whereabouts. The Bailiffs departed.
He still possessed Ye Deeds of Ye Gerston Mud.and still supplied Mud to the descendant of John de Aspin, now known as John de Aspin, the owner of the famous Cambrinous Craft Brewery of Cambrinous Brown Ale and purveyor of Cambrinous Brown Ales to the Northern Shires.
Meanwhile a certain family of ruffians, by the name of Keegan, in the village of Garston were claiming the rights to possess Ye Deeds, as they were the original founders of the famous Mud from way back in the 1st century in the year of 48 A.D. The family of Kee Ghan thrived for eleven centuries, exporting their Mud around the three corners of the known world for the manufacture of these special bricks and also for the use of relieving the flatulence suffered by the gentry due to their habit of over indulgence whilst the peasants starved. As with all great empires, the empire of KeeGhan`s Mud was infiltrated by foreigners, They were first of all customers of the Kee Ghan Enterprises, this great Company had spread itself far across the three corners of the known world, to Rome, Persia, Byzantum and beyond. These peoples formed a Brotherhood and infiltrating into the Company eventually took over. 95%of the board were Members of the Brotherhood. They called themselves the `Illuminata`, a secret society , even KeeGhan could not be a member even though he still had a seat on the Board.
In 1192 the Kee Ghan family.were conned out of Ye Deeds by one Adam de Gerston. Adam went bankrupt in 1198, due to his indolence , drinking the scRUMpy of the IndescRUMpy Company, and much wenching, He later sold Ye Deeds to one Baron Aspin of Aspin Hall in Ye Township of Bolton, for a few Crowns
These said Deeds over the years were eventually passed over to the Earl of Denby of Lahpool in the 17th Century where they were then transferred to the name of one Earl of Standley. The whereabouts of the said Deeds are now a mystery. Does the Standley family still have them? Or have they again sold them to repay their gambling debts.
Meanwhile the family of ruffians of the name of Keegan of Garston also claimed for a debt that was owing of five guineas plus interest.
Captain Aspinale de Kong, a prominent Seafaring man of distinction, a descendant of the original Baron Aspin of Aspin Hall in the town of Bolton, has said that the said debt of five guineas was used as a credit note by the Keegan family to consume vast quantities of the now famous Cambrinous Craft Brewery`s Cambrinous Brown Ale, a product that uses the Gerston Mud in its manufacture. This Cambrinous Brown Ale over a period of time has the effect of losing memory and so Mr Keegan has forgotten all those days and nights when he consumed copious quantities of the said Brew. Indeed he now has a bar bill reaching into the hundreds of guineas, Captain Aspinale de Kong`s last comments were,? I`ll see you in Court, Keegan?
Last edited by captain kong; 01-17-2009 at 03:42 PM.
7
24,06 .1898
We are near home now ,the voyage has been without incident , the blow flies are far behind us and I am free once more to continue with my tale.
Those of you who are not of Garston blood will find it hard to give credence to my story; the fact that we gave sanctuary to so many outsiders did not help in this matter. The ?foreigners? sought to discredit our history by publishing scurrilous tales and calumnies. I have no axe to grind and would ask you to consider my words as being true . Therefore ,those of you who are still awaiting the truth may read on.
I left of at that part of my history when the brewery was founded by the good Michael Aspinall. Set up on the banks of the Mersey it was to endure through the all the changes that were wrought by time. We have no need to bother ourselves with that enterprise ,a seller of good ale will always be needed by honest thirsty men.
I wish to record the important mile stones that mark our towns history and the real story of the hands that operated the levers of power. The hands of the Brotherhood of Mudmen.
When the great cathedral was built there were,as I have already indicated, two secret chambers built beneath it .Within those chambers were stored our archives and the sum total of our arcane knowledge. With the spread of our network throughout the then charted world ,our Brethren had gleaned the secrets of the ancients and all were brought back to our ?citadel? . Here they were subjected to intensive scrutiny , the rituals and ancient prayers of manifold peoples of the old world were subjected to empirical practice and observation, and it was through such trial that our Elders discovered some terrible secrets.
I have related the tale of Kings Johns innards, that is just the stuff of nursery stories when compared to the greatest discovery.
When the people of Judea were subjected to their sojourn among the Babylonians they met with a world so different from that in their native land. Being worshippers of the one god, there they met with a multitude of beliefs for the Chaldeans,the people of Babylon, were at the crossroads of the old world and had come into contact with the Egyptian ,Greek, Indian and Scythian beliefs. The Zoroastrians influenced them too and this led to a fusion out of which the Kabbala was formed. Bel and Hea,Nipur and other minor gods were prayed to . The Judeans embraced none of the idols but did embrace the Kabbala and did learn some of the great secrets. The greatest secret of all was the manipulation of clay. And not as a substance for brickmaking or pottery ,but for something more powerful than that. I fear that I will lose you here if you do not keep your disbelief suspended. The greatest and most secret use of clay was for the making of what can only be called automatons.
When this knowledge was brought to us during the middle period of the Christian Kingdom of Jerusalem, it was deemed to be too incredible. Only the Illuminati were informed ,and only those empiricists among their number were allowed to have sight of the information. Accordingly ,another secret workshop was excavated beneath the cathedral and it was their that the most trusted brethren set to work in the matter of seeing if such a thing were possible,the construction of a Golem.
Our brothers laboured long and hard in their efforts to emulate the success of the Chaldeans, the first clay model was adopted by the Brotherhood as their emblem. A man of clay, Mode Humanus. The image was engraved on to
medallions and seals ,these would only be issued to the men of who had been initiated in to our society. The statue itself was placed in our Temple as a symbol of whence we came,Mud.!!
The strict code that governed our Order meant that no one could ,or would divulge knowledge of its existence, other orders had made themselves manifest by wearing their colours openly and had been put to the sword. Like the chameleon ,we adopted the colours of those around us, so for many centuries Garston was a very catholic place. We served our lords and masters and paid what taxes they thought we should , the prying eyes of the priests and tax gatherers were never truly aware of true assets .Our true wealth was in our secret knowledge and the powers that this knowledge gave us. Our advances
in the fields of medicine led to the betterment of our peoples health. The medicinal properties of this fabulous boon of the river was still our greatest source of wealth.
The next milestone in our history came with the war between the Houses of Lancaster and York, such terror and misery was visited upon the common people when the warring Barons and Earls sought to conscript yeomen for their militias. Fathers were forced to fight against sons and brother against brother, if they were conscripted into the opposing armies. The Norris family ,our nearest neighbour espoused the Yorkist cause ,whilst that caviller Stanley waited and watched his options.
Our township took no sides and the local Earls and barons knew well enough not to attempt any conscription of our yeomanry. They were all them too deeply indebted to us, were had their letters of mark which we could foreclose on any time.
As a footnote to that period of history it should be noted that Stanley cavilled to the very last moment at Bosworth field . He held his men back on the rise above that great field of battle until he had a clear indication of which House would prevail. When Richard fell ,Stanley entered the field on the side of the Marcherman.
The next milestone, and the beginning of a dangerous part of our history takes place not in our town ,but Prague, in the kingdom of Bohemia.
The Holy Roman Emperor was resident there in the late 16th century and he caused the people to turn against the Jews , subjecting them to degradations which ,because of the royal sanction, led to murder ,rapine and mayhem . The Maharal, or chief Rabbi, pleaded with the Emperor Rudolf to desist in his actions without success. A number of our Brethren were in Prague at this very time with a cargo of mud, amongst them was one of the Illuminati, who was conversant with the construction of the Golem and he made haste to visit the Maharal. After he had identified himself as a friend , the Rabbi listened to the Intelligence that our Brother had to impart and men were despatched to the Vlatava to collect enough of the mud to commence the construction of this warrior of God. Upon completion of the Golem Rabbi Loewe and our Brother spent the night chantimg ancient Chaldean prayers and performing secret rituals over the statue.
Kabbalistic signs were inscribed upon its parts and then the Rabbi stepped forward and made the mark that, until this moment, had been unknown to our Brother. It was a Hebrew word ?Emet? an ancient word for Life. The Golem breathed life and quickly grew to a monstrous size and went out in to the night to follow the instructions written on his several parts. The Golem caused such a wave of death and destruction amongst the Christians of Prague that the Emperor begged the Rabbi to make it desist in its actions. By removing the first letter of the word Emet ,the word became death and the Golem was returned to a clay statue again. The wise Rabbi secreted the Golem beneath the synagogue in Prague where some believe it lies there still.
However the Mudmen now had the power to activate their own Golem, more of which anon.
The tales outsiders publish are many and varied ,but none of them true, The truth lies in the bound volumes from which I transcribe this narrative. As the crowns changed heads and the Tudor line ceased to be ,the Stuarts came down from Scotland to claim their inheritance and it is here that our fortunes enter another phase.
Norris Green
Would the self same Norris family be kin to those from the green, who through industry and guile had a place name bequeathed upon them by the elders.
Oh as I was young and easy in the mercy of his means,
Time held me green and dying
Though I sang in my chains like the sea.
Dylan Thomas
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