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Thread: Man in the Park -- Revised (CTG)

  1. #1
    Senior Member ChrisGeorge's Avatar
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    Default Man in the Park -- Revised (CTG)

    Here's a rewrite of this difficult poem. Any help much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

    Man in the Park

    My two short-trousered pals ran when
    the young man called out to us,
    more experienced than I was (afraid

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    of fireworks, the sea). He stood
    head bent by the rusty fence,
    ginger brylcreemed hair, stink of

    cologne, flashy tie. With
    a low voice, he coaxed me
    to touch -- "like milking a cow."

    Somehow, my parents knew --
    I lay across my bed, felt
    the sting of Daddy's belt.

    I'd thought evil was ugly trolls
    under bridges not guys with
    gaudy ties, stinky cologne;

    I later heard that blokes preyed
    on children in parks, in local
    alleys. I'd been warned about

    strangers but no one told me
    what they'd do to me. The copper said,
    "Tell me in your own words--"

    A boy should tell the truth,
    not go to the park. Rusty railings,
    poplars where I hunted caterpillars.

    Christopher T. George


    Original version--

    The Monster. . . the Mystery

    I want to bury the memory, walk
    out on the movie of my life,
    leave the cinema for ever.

    The young man in the Liverpool park:
    ginger Brylcreemed hair, stink
    of cologne, noisy silk tie.

    My short-trousered friends ran away
    but I lingered. He spoke to me.
    What happened next?

    Somehow my parents knew about it --
    bad little boy! The police station,
    the sting of Daddy's leather belt.

    Evil was ugly trolls under bridges
    not guys with bright ties, bad cologne.
    Later, I would know that men approached

    little girls and boys in parks,
    in local alleyways. The constable said,
    "Christopher, tell me in your own words--"

    Children should always tell the truth,
    shouldn't go to the park. Rusted railings,
    trees where I hunted for caterpillars.

    What happened? I still want to know about
    the man -- but don't want to know more
    about The Monster. . . the Mystery.
    Christopher T. George
    Editor, Ripperologist
    Editor, Loch Raven Review
    http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com/
    Chris on Flickr and on MySpace

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    Senior Member ChrisGeorge's Avatar
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    Any comments appreciated... I have rewritten yet once more. This happened in Wavertree Playground circa 1954.

    Chris
    Christopher T. George
    Editor, Ripperologist
    Editor, Loch Raven Review
    http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com/
    Chris on Flickr and on MySpace

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    Senior Member Marty1's Avatar
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    I don't think you need any help Chris, it's fine as it is, better than Original version in my opinion !

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    Senior Member ChrisGeorge's Avatar
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    Thank you, Marty. This poem is considered to be entered into a poetry contest here in the US of A so I want to make it as good as it could be. Thanks for your opinion.

    All the best

    Chris
    Christopher T. George
    Editor, Ripperologist
    Editor, Loch Raven Review
    http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com/
    Chris on Flickr and on MySpace

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    Senior Member Marty1's Avatar
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    Let us know how you get on in the contest Chris !

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