Bobs' Funnies,for the jokes both old and new

[Lancer786]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[pablo42]

Nice one Lancer. Keep 'em coming...

[pablo42]

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, Sir!"

[pablo42]

I've been helping this clown build his house.
Got some really funny stairs.

[pablo42]

Two archaeologists were at an ice age excavation, when all of a sudden they unearthed an enormous find that was going to take months to clean, dig out safely and protect.

They had a mammoth tusk ahead of them.

[pablo42]

Just bought a 'low energy lightbulb' at B & Q. Assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?" I said No - Its going in the lounge

[pablo42]

I hate it when you're with MC Hammer and he won't let you touch anything.

[pablo42]

I've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables.

I'd better lilo.

[pablo42]

My brother claims he found a bag containing several 9 inch squares made of a soft woven fabric on the bus this morning.

Sounds like a load of old flannel if you ask me.

[pablo42]

I went on a stag do to France and got really drunk. I fell out of my hotel window and broke a load of bones. I'm now in a body cast.

I'm never getting plastered in Paris again.

[essexscouse]

went to the doctors cos i got this bad cough i cant shake and he gave me laxatives which rather suprised me i said will it help and he said to take six and after about an hour i would be too frightened to cough

[pablo42]

I was being chatted up in a bar in Bangkok recently and she said." Take me back to your hotel and I'll show you how I put on a condom using only my mouth."

I said."You'll put a condom on my cock using only your mouth?"

She said."I guess I can do yours as well."

[pablo42]

There has been five murders in my area lateley and a knitting needle was found at each crime scene....

A police spokesman said that they are now looking for some sort of pattern.

[pablo42]

I've bought a cheap Jack-in-a-box and it fails miserably.

It doesn't surprise me.

[pablo42]

I was talking to a friend the other-day. He came out with one of those stupid questions and asked: "If I had a time machine, you know what I would do with it?"

"What?"

"I would go back in time and kill Hitler"

Why do people automatically assume because they have a time machine they can just walk up to Hitler and kill him?
If I could do that I wouldn't kill him. I would rape him.
I think just raping him would have been sufficient enough to put and end to WWII.

"Hitler do you want to invade Poland now?"

"Uh.. no, I don't feel like it, I'm just going to take a shower and go to bed".