Bobs' Funnies,for the jokes both old and new

One morning, while she was making their breakfast, Harold walked up to his wife, Hette, pinched her on the tuchus and said, ?You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle.?
Although she thought this was a terrible thing to say, she refrained from responding.
Next morning, Harold woke Hette by squeezing her breast. He said, ?You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.?
Hette thought this was unacceptable and had to respond this time. So she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a strong grip, she said, ?You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the postman, the gardener and your brother?

Oy Vey!

Issy goes to his doctor to arrange a sperm count. The doctor gives Issy a small plastic tub and says, "Use this and bring me a sample tomorrow."
Next day, Issy goes back and gives the doctor an empty, pristine clean tub.
The doctor asks, "So? Why is it empty?"
Issy explains: "Well, doctor, first I tried it with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried it with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife Rifka for help. She tried it with her right hand, then with her left, but nothing. Rifka even tried with her mouth - with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but still no luck. We then called in our next door neighbour and she tried it with both hands, and with her mouth too, but with no results, I?m sad to say."
The doctor was shocked. "You mean you asked your neighbour to try?"
Issy replied, "Yes, doctor, but no matter what we tried, we just couldn't open the tub"

Goniff.

:) Now that I've gotten some of my Xmas cards written, I can see about sending some more jokes to keep you lads smiling !!

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'



My condition has been upgraded from critical

to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery !!!


Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:)

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom
> if Fred and Mary are up yet.

> She replies, "No".

> Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

> His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
>
> Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
>
> She replies, "No."
>
> Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
>
> His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
>
> After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
>
> His mom says, "No."
>
> He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
>
> His mom replies, "Ok Johnny
> tell me what you think."
>
> He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
>

Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:)
Story by a Man standing in a queue in a Supermarket........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in T****'s and was
standing in the queue at the checkout. A woman behind me asked if
I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot
Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my b***s
and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door

Stupid *****.........why else would I buy dog food??

Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning..'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your leg, don't come running to me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

Subject:ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION



'Bless me Father,for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The

priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'



'Yes, Father, it is.'



'And who was the girl you were with?'



'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'



Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as

well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'



'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'



'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'



'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'



'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'



The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire

that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now

for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'



Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and

whispers, 'What'd you get?'



'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Good one Julia,
I wish my parish priest was as informative as that. I missed out on a lot as a lad because of him.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by captain kong

Good one Julia,
I wish my parish priest was as informative as that. I missed out on a lot as a lad because of him.

---

Brian,
You may have been a slow starter, but anyone who has read your tales knows you played 'catch up' pretty quick once you went away to sea.
:unibrow::unibrow::unibrow:

I have always lived a very sheltered life Kevin.
All the rest was a fantasy and I just lived in hope that one day...........

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by captain kong

I have always lived a very sheltered life Kevin.
All the rest was a fantasy and I just lived in hope that one day...........

---

Trying to think of a suitable retort. The best I can come up with starts with 'B' and ends in 'ollox'.
:rolleyes:

:)
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!"

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't," said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to
hold onto when I pull your tooth."

Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:)

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,
'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of Running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went
To the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered
Three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair
Of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two
Slices of crisp bacon.

'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment
And then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?

She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
Headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!'

'For Once The Blonde Gets Even!'

Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:)

BUYING Viagra
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist ' But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I am 96' said the old man, 'I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't p**s on my slippers.'

Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:)

Proper Medication

Teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for...

Mickey: 'Tylenol?'
Teacher: 'Very good! And what is it used for?'
Mickey: 'It is used for headaches'

Eddie: 'Nytol, Teacher.'
Teacher: 'Excellent. And what is it used for?'
Eddie: 'To help you sleep'

Now it's Ricky's turn and he says: 'Viagra.'
Teacher, slightly shocked: 'Ricky, What do you think it is used for?'
Ricky: 'It can be used for diarrhea.'
Teacher: 'Who told you this?'

Ricky: 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little sh*t will get harder.'

Bob F :handclap: :handclap: