I saw a woman crying earlier and so I asked her why she was upset, to which she replied, "I'm just so sick of people using bad grammar."
I sat beside her and comforted her by saying, "They're their."
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I saw a woman crying earlier and so I asked her why she was upset, to which she replied, "I'm just so sick of people using bad grammar."
I sat beside her and comforted her by saying, "They're their."
The train dropped me off right outside my house today.
I'm going to pull the emergency handle more often in the future.
I have a slight addiction to ale.
But it's only mild.
I thought I found a mass Snowman Grave the other day,
Turns out its just a field of carrots.
I went to the zoo recently. I think it's about time someone told the meerkats that everything's fine.
Just started dating a new girl. Her sex is brilliant. She's even starred in several porn films.
I just haven't told her yet.
I had a fart in the bath last night...I asked him what the bloody hell he was doing in my house.
Ha, love it George...Quote:
Originally Posted by George
I was sat in court, finalising the divorce when the judge says .. 'Mr Smith, I've decided to award your wife, £1000 per month ... What do you say to that?' ...
'That's very kind of you and I'll see if I can chip in a few quid myself'
When I was younger my Uncle was the worst ventriloquist ever.
He used to sit me on his knee, stick his fingers up my ass but never said anything.
What's small, pink and sizzles in the summer?
A babycue.
My brother received a medal for cooking the best food to go with
pitta bread, unfortunately he died before he could ever accept it.
It was a post hummus award.
An Irish farmer has just grown the first ever field of dildos but he is having a problem getting rid of squatters
Gave my daughter a beautiful teddy bear for her birthday. The wife got two photo frames and a large bunch of flowers....
Living next door to a cemetery does have its advantages sometimes.
I went to a fight in Liverpool yesterday and a wedding broke out.
I've opened a fireworks factory...if the buisnes fails at least I'll go out with a bang.
I've gone and bought an abbatoir with a with a collegue...its a joint venture.
My last husband died suddenly.
After a heart transplant he was told we could have a normal relationship again, as long as he took things steady.
We discovered that the church bells had an ideal rythmn - slow and steady - so we made love each Sunday morning in time with the bells.
For several months things went well, until the Sunday a fire engine went past...
Nice one guys.
If you kill yourself, it's called suicide. If you kill someone else, it's called homicide. If you kill lots of people, it's called genocide.
So if you only kill scousers, is that called Merseycide?
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
I was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought 'Sod it. I could win that!'
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.
"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Sodding hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my ass?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"
Some random woman stopped me in the street today and started telling me a joke. It had all the ingredients of a good joke: child abuse; incestual rape; tears and suffering; but I didn't understand the punchline. Something about £2 a month?
In town today I saw a toddler running into the road. I acted quickly and ran after him and just managed to stop him before a car hit him. His mum, who was quite fit, came running out of the shop and said, "Thank-you, you are a hero, how can I ever repay you?"
Apparently, after I uttered the word 'blow job' I was no longer considered a hero.
Where do they get all these people who are on the Jeremy Kyle show?
Do they stand outside Lidl with a big net or something?
My Mum always hides bad news from me. I only just found out about the death of Princess Diana.
Oh well. Seeing Michael Jackson at the O2 tonight should cheer me up.
I told my mum and dad that I've signed up to fight over in Afghanistan.
They weren't happy. Apparently, joining the Taliban is considered 'unpatriotic'.
I watched the Afghanistan version of Countdown the other day. It had a strange twist in it though; when the clock stopped, everyone ran...
How do you make your girlfriend cry while you are having sex?
Phone her up and tell her about it!
Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there.
I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got KitKats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it.
A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, "Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you."
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
"Tell me, son," he asks, "what happened last night?"
"Well," says the boy, "you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye."
"Christ!" says the man. "Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?"
"When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you trollope, I'm married!'"
A guy phones up his workplace on a Monday morning...
"Sorry Boss, I can't come in today, I'm sick"
"Dave this is the third Monday in a row you're had off. Just how sick are you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my little sister at the moment if that's any help."
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?'
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with you ear, Sir?"
"I can't pee out of it," the man replied.
A family of prostitutes are talking.
The daughter says, "I got £50 for a blow job today".
The mother says, "In my day it was £5".
The grandmother says, "In my day we were just glad for the warm drink".
A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a woman's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan." The banker replied.
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrow filled with money.
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really?" replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you."
The hotel I was staying at last night screwed up my booking so they had to put me in the honeymoon suite.
It was excellent. I was staying with a lovely young couple from Devon.
Once you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
If you ever want to get away with rape, simply hire a wolf outfit from a fancy dress shop.
On the first night tap on a young girl's window, and before her parents come, run away and hide.
On the second night, repeat.
On the third night, STRIKE - no one will ever believe her
When he was alive my Grandad was a disgusting old pervert who abused me.
I'd pee on his grave if I didn't know it would turn him on.