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'Bob's funnies' is a thread that migrated with the ex-sailors from a sailors forum that was folding - Brian Daley asked Kev for a new home for us (though I was already here) and Kev agreed to host us with a slot on the forum. So Bob is immortalised across a few sites.Quote:
Originally Posted by pablo42
I like the idea of being remembered with humour. That's how death should be, a celebration of life.Quote:
Originally Posted by kevin
If they took porn off the internet, there would probably only be two websites.
Facebook, and BringBackThePorn.com
I've just finished reading a book on origami.
I don't know what to make of it.
Lol. Hilarious.
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Nice one Lancer. Keep 'em coming...
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, Sir!"
I've been helping this clown build his house.
Got some really funny stairs.
Two archaeologists were at an ice age excavation, when all of a sudden they unearthed an enormous find that was going to take months to clean, dig out safely and protect.
They had a mammoth tusk ahead of them.
Just bought a 'low energy lightbulb' at B & Q. Assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?" I said No - Its going in the lounge
I hate it when you're with MC Hammer and he won't let you touch anything.
I've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables.
I'd better lilo.
My brother claims he found a bag containing several 9 inch squares made of a soft woven fabric on the bus this morning.
Sounds like a load of old flannel if you ask me.
I went on a stag do to France and got really drunk. I fell out of my hotel window and broke a load of bones. I'm now in a body cast.
I'm never getting plastered in Paris again.
went to the doctors cos i got this bad cough i cant shake and he gave me laxatives which rather suprised me i said will it help and he said to take six and after about an hour i would be too frightened to cough
I was being chatted up in a bar in Bangkok recently and she said." Take me back to your hotel and I'll show you how I put on a condom using only my mouth."
I said."You'll put a condom on my cock using only your mouth?"
She said."I guess I can do yours as well."
There has been five murders in my area lateley and a knitting needle was found at each crime scene....
A police spokesman said that they are now looking for some sort of pattern.
I've bought a cheap Jack-in-a-box and it fails miserably.
It doesn't surprise me.
I was talking to a friend the other-day. He came out with one of those stupid questions and asked: "If I had a time machine, you know what I would do with it?"
"What?"
"I would go back in time and kill Hitler"
Why do people automatically assume because they have a time machine they can just walk up to Hitler and kill him?
If I could do that I wouldn't kill him. I would rape him.
I think just raping him would have been sufficient enough to put and end to WWII.
"Hitler do you want to invade Poland now?"
"Uh.. no, I don't feel like it, I'm just going to take a shower and go to bed".
New statistics are out. The most popular position for married couples is Doggy Style.
The husband begs for it and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
I went for an interview at a leading DIY superstore today and they've just rung to offer me a post.
I must say I'd have prefered a job.
I looked up my ex girlfriend the other day,
I love being a Gynecologist.
I bought some biscuits yesterday, on the packet it said "Store in a cool place."
So I mailed them to Samuel L Jackson's house
I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."
What fun that was...
You can always rely on the kindness of strangers....
..If you carry a knife.
I surprized a burglar last night.
I broke into the same house.
A man went to the doctor with really bad sunburn. The doctor prescribed Calomine Lotion and some Viagra. The man said he understood about the lotion but why the Viagra? The doctor said it would help keep the bed sheets off him at night.
It's old I know, but still a good 'un...
I treated my girlfriend to an incredible candlelit dinner at the Savoy. Halfway through, after the waiter had served us the finest Bollinger champagne, I gracefully got up and walked around to her.
She looked at me with a look of pure happiness, with a tear welling in her eye, as I got down on one knee.
I presented her with the ring, with a cheeky smile, as all around us, the other customers cheered us on. But only to see her face turn to disgust as she looked around at everyone, and she started crying, and ran from the resturant.
That Durex Play Vibrations advert is very misleading.
A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
"Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man.
"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor.
My wife threatened to leave me today because apparently im a smart-ass.
She said '' Were at a crossroad in our relationship, one way is love and trust the other is a divorce''
I said '' I think you will find thats called a t-junction ''
Just been following this recipe. It says i need a knob of butter.
Well as soon as that Lurpak guy has finished playing that trombone, then i'll get it.
Boy in confession,"Bless me father for I have sinned.I hand a w**k over my sister."
"That's a discrace" said the priest,"Especially when you have two gorgeous little brothers".
Will that get me a kickin' ?
Very funny Gnasher.
A brummie is sitting on the bank of a canal fishing.
A friend strolls along the bank towards him and watches silently for a few minutes. "Caught anything?" he asks.
"Caught a whale!" the angler replies and gives his rod a flick.
The friend looks slowly around, then down at the keep net dangling in the water. "Whadya dew with et?" he asks.
"Threw et back!" says the angler.
"Yew [...]
Reveal the rest of this joke
A brummie is sitting on the bank of a canal fishing.
A friend strolls along the bank towards him and watches silently for a few minutes. "Caught anything?" he asks.
"Caught a whale!" the angler replies and gives his rod a flick.
The friend looks slowly around, then down at the keep net dangling in the water. "Whadya dew with et?" he asks.
"Threw et back!" says the angler.
"Yew caught a whale and threw et back?" asks the friend incredulously.
"O' course!" says the angler, "Rusty and had no spokes!"
Tara for a bit.
I thought I had an HDTV. Then I realised I was looking out the window
I missed my bus this morning.
I really shouldn't get so sentimental about public transport.
This bloke ends up in hell fo his nasty ways on earth.
He enters the dungeon of pain and suffering,the devil greets him and says there's only three choices for you m'lad.
The devil opens the first door and they're both faced with blokes hanging on the wall with little imps firing staples fom lazzy bands at the blokes on the wall.
The devil opens the second door and there's more blokes hangin on the wall but this time the little imps are probing the blokes with hot needles.
The devil opens the third door and there's more blokes,but these blokes are standing in sh*t up to their shoulders drinking tea.
The devil turns to the bloke and says which dungeon do you want to spend eternity in?
The bloke says to the devil...Number 3 but can I hjust have a peek at number 1 again just so's I can make me mind up.
The devil agree's and opens door1 and the bloke takes a look in,the guy nearest hangin to the door shouts..."Have you chosen your fate mate",the bloke says yeah I'm goin for the cushy number 3,the guy hangin on the wall says Eck! mate you in deep sh*t...the bloke says I know but at least we drrink tea.
The devil shouts thats enough and ushers the bloke down to number 3,pushes him in and shouts..."Rght you lot Tea breaks over get back to standing on your heads.".
:)
Ha, nice one George.