I start my job at a restaurant tomorrow.
I can't wait
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I start my job at a restaurant tomorrow.
I can't wait
I organised a threesome last night...
There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.
Fun at a wedding
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NF3OWNJgYw
Like my wedding...Quote:
Originally Posted by kevin
Nice one Kevin.
Miming words to a deaf person until they crank the hearing aid up to the max, then blasting an air horn at them is a brilliant cure for constipation., It's quite funny as well.
I went out last night dressed to kill,beard,sandals,turban and a back pack.
"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes. Whats the problem?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour Dan!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"thankyou for your call sir, we'll be there right away"
The police invade Dan's house and chop all of his firewood but find no marijuana.
An hour later Dan gets a phone call...
"Hey, Dan! Did the police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop all your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
I find it strange that Peter Crouch has been chosen to promote Pringles.
Is he really that popular or is it just because the picture of him fits so well on the tin?
Very funny Pabs. Really cheered me up.
Me too Jill. Still laughing my head offQuote:
Originally Posted by Jill
I can't believe the type of people who go on the Jeremy Kyle show.
It's like someone has bombed Netto.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him and he finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
The little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.. With that he gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh1t.'
Ha, nice one.
A woman goes to her doctor. i have three pussys she says. this cant be the doctor replies so he makes her take off her pants. shocked by what he saw the woman actually had three pussys.. ive never seen anything like this he says.. there it was a pussy on the right, one in the middle and one on the left.. there isnt much i can do he says but there is one thing.. he gets two strips of black tape.. puts one on the left pussy and one on the right.. whats that guna do she asks.. not much he says but for the moment it will stop you getting screwed left right and centre..
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
So funny Pabs
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly,
'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... He could also fly.'
I keep farting Mike Oldfield tracks,
I've been diagnosed with tubular bowels.
A boatload of Viagra has sunk in Loch Ness.
The monster has finally come up.
When I was younger the fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory
I forget my response
Blonde woman speeding down the motorway gets pulled over by a blonde policewoman.
Blonde Policewoman: "Can I see your license please, madam?"
Blonde: "License? Well, what does it look like?"
Blonde Policewoman: "It's small, square and has your picture on it"
Blonde searchs through her handbag until she finds a small mirror...
Blonde: "Here you are....."
Blonde Policewoman examines the mirror for a few seconds until she hands it back...
Blonde Policewoman: "I'm dreadfully sorry, I didn't know your were a cop"
I was going to issue aBIGOT ALERT, but maybe I should refer this to other Yo-ers first. Anyone find this funny? I would hope that even any self-respecting nun would refuse the proferred hand rather than be a part of this 'joke'...Quote:
Originally Posted by pablo42
I'm not a bigot John. I just have a sense of humour. A sick one yes...
I was supposed to go on a date last night, and the girl I was meeting called me this morning, very upset that I didn't show up.
I said, "Sorry about that, I suffer from premature ejaculation."
"Well that's very unfortunate," she replied, "but if you were embarrased about something you could have turned up and explained it to me."
"I wasn't embarrased about it," I explained, "I came in my pants on the way to the restaurant, and suddenly didn't see the point in paying for your dinner."
A nun goes into confessional and says to the priest, "I'm pregnant."
"How can this happen?" asked the priest.
"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.
The priest, shocked by this reply asks, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"
The nun answered, "Because I swallowed the first."
It's a long thread and I don't know if it's been posted.
* * * * *
Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.
"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.
A sick joke can make me laugh too... sometimes; but a story that seems to me to be based entirely on reinforcing ignorant negative stereotypes is something else again. Maybe you don't see yourself as a bigot, but surely only a bigot would find this funny?Quote:
Originally Posted by pablo42
C'mon John, let it go, and take comfort in the knowledge that you are a sensitive young fellow, versed in all the nuances of modern speak.
Though, I must say your multiple use of the word bigot is bordering on "reinforcing ignorant negative stereotypes."
I do not enjoy blonde jokes, either, but who gives a hoot what I think.
I'm not a bigot and I found it funny,old but funny.Quote:
Originally Posted by John Doh
It's a gag John. Like the ones I put up about robbing Scousers. Odd, cos I'm a Scouser and I know they don't go robbing. I have travelled all over the Middle East, Africa and the Far East. I have good friends all over the same places. I have shared food and bunks with them all. We have shared water when there was none, smokes when we only had one. They would laugh at your accusation.Quote:
Originally Posted by John Doh
Ha, nice one Gnash...Quote:
Originally Posted by GNASHER
With my less than positive view on nuns, gained at school, I'd save the muslim woman and let the nun drown.
Ha, me dad woulda done the same. He was battered by the Nuns. That was why he would never send us to a Catholic School.Quote:
Originally Posted by kevin
An 80 year old man finds his wife doing a handstand, naked, against a wall.
Shocked, he asks, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I know you can't get it up, so maybe you can drop it in."
Tex walks into the saloon bar in Rattlesnake Gulch
"Two fingers of sippin' liquor, barkeep" he says.
The barman pours his whisky. "Can't help noticin' you got your guns in a mighty strange place, cowboy".
A few of the bar hounds look at him and sure enough his guns are attached to his hat.
"Yeah I kinda like it. Got it done by the new fella across the square. $5"
The whole bar looks outside the window and sure enough, there's a funny old man sat in a leather armchair outside the general store.
Another cowboy gets up. "I'm quite taken with that look, Tex. I'm gonna go fix myself the same".
He wanders out of the saloon and comes back half an hour later. He too has his guns on his hat.
Soon there's a buzz in the bar at this new craze and a steady stream of cowboys are going to visit the little old man in the armchair.
Later that afternoon, the sheriff comes into a packed bar. He's amazed at what he sees; every cowboy in the place has his guns hanging from his hat.
He lets off two shots off into the ceiling and the place falls silent
"What in tarnation is going on here?!" he shouts. "Why you all got your weapons in such a dam crazy place?"
Tex explains about the little old man.
"I'm gonna pay him a visit. Making my town into a laughing stock!" grumbles the sheriff, setting off across the square.
The saloon bar gets to its feet to watch the confrontation.
"Say, old man!" shouts the sheriff to the man in the armchair.
"Howdy, Marshall" says the old man, "You come for your hat modifyin' too?"
"No I ain't" he replied, "What in hell's name is goin' on, old timer? I got my whole town with their **** guns on their hats and they is all sayin' you're to blame"
"Guess I am, sheriff, guilty as charged" replies the old man with a wink.
"You mind tellin' me who you is and givin' me your credentials?" asks the sheriff, spitting at the old man's feet.
"Sure," says the old man, leaning back in his leather armchair, "The name's Brian, and I'm an upholsterer".
Our old Shipmate BOB died 11 months ago, I hope he is up there laughing and knowing his "BOB`S FUNNIES" is still going and making us laugh. Both Samsette and I had the Privilige to meet him.
Keep on laughing Bob.
Nice one Captain. Laugh on Bob...Quote:
Originally Posted by captain kong
Hi Brian,Quote:
Originally Posted by captain kong
I didn't know that. Keep smiling, Bob, we're keeping your memory alive!
My friend was hit by a car over the weekend. The accident paralysed him from the neck down. It's been a really tough time for his family, they were all gathered round his hopsital bed as I walked in. The atmosphere was quite morose and I didn't really know what to say. It felt wrong to intrude on this family time, so I just put the bill from the garage for damages on the side and left them in peace.
If you like bets, you're one of two people:
You are either a gambler
Or a South African who loves flying mammals.