Bobs' Funnies,for the jokes both old and new

Why men don't write advice columns.

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila


******************************

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Walter

:)
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY


An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'
'Why not?' he asked.
She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'
The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'
She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'
He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'
'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'
.............

Remember...
Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.


....If it weren't for STRESS
I'd have no energy at all.



Whatever hits the fan...
Will Not Be Evenly Distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some, like me, just don't have any film.

I always know that........
God won't give me more than I can handle
There are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much.


Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff

If the shoe fits... buy a pair in every color.


Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out.


Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian.
Not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Bills travel through the mail...
at twice the speed of checks.


Some days are a total waste of makeup.


Men are from earth.
Women are from earth.
Deal with it.


A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.


Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


Junk is something you've kept for years
and throw away three weeks before you need it.


Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


Learn from the mistakes of others.
Trust me... you can't live long enough to make
them all yourself.......
I've tried!!


Have A Wonderful Day!


Hold your loved ones close, tell them your love them, for if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today


Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:)

Retired with a Job...


I've often been asked, "What do you folks do to keep busy, now that you're retired?"


Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and vodka into urine.

And, we're pretty **** good at it too!!!

Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:)
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.


*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. ' Just get out.'

*********************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
*************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James , a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
************************************************** **
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of g*******a in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
************************************************** *8
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:)

A Few Funny Stories



A little lighthearted humour about Seniors.

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The
Villages, a Florida adult community.
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the
bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger
here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my
wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * *
Another two elderly people living in Clearwater Assisted
Living, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each
other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big
arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at
her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will
you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she
answered "Yes. Yes, I will!"

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges,
they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did
she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might,
he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as
he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I
asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did
you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes,
yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called,
because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center , "I
just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand
dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * *

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at the
local Medical Clinic to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the
street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'" Morris replied.

To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I
said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange
Dipper", an ice cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:Smiliz_Kingz_PDT_13

A young man named John received a parrot named 'Chief ' as
a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite
words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.


The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.


John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer.


For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed.


Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.


The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. '

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

'May I ask what the turkey did? '



MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!




Season's Greetings

Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

I once had a Cockatoo called Charlie when I was in the Spice Islands,
He was just like that Parrot.he could cuss and swear like a good sailor. especially when he was drunk on the Javanese Brandy. I swopped him for a bottle of Brandy in a bar in Padang, Sumatra the day I sailed for home. He sat behind the bar and his last word to me was, that he questioned if my father was my father.. I felt like Judas. Still miss him.

:)
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
Disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'



18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal ??.

Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:)

19. M*****a G****i, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
He suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:)

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had b***** all', he says, 'B_*_*_*_*_* -A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada, Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.


When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The &*******& boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got b***** all for breakfast'.

Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:)
"I'm sure you have all heard ? or done? this before" !!!

Just click on this web-site and you'll see !!!!!!!

http://www.members.shaw.ca/faithshannon/ye-ol-fart.html

Bob F :handclap: :handclap: :handclap:

Subject: Message From bin Laden

After numerous rounds of ?We don't even know if Osama bin Laden is still alive,? Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he faxed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6.


Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help. Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:

?Tell the President he's holding the note upside down.?

:unibrow:
A Scotsman was heading out to the pub and turned to his wee wife before leaving...
'Jackie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.'
'Aw, John that's nice -are you taking me to the pub with you?'
'Nah, am just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'



The first people in the UK to have double glazed windows were the Scots...
so their kids couldn't hear the ice cream vans coming!

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?........
Och! it's no that dark!

A Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi.....
She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter...

A suicidal Scotsman went next door to his neighbour's house to gas himsel....

A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once,
so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says
'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband.'
The man at the desk says 'OK, how much money dae ye have?'
The old woman replies '?5' to which the man says 'Ye won't get many words for that but write
something and we'll see if it's ok.'
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.
The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid'
He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things,
saying 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money.'
The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again.
The man then reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale'

Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:)
My forgetter's getting better ,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And , when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room ,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain , but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?'

Yes , my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

Bob F :handclap: :handclap:

:)
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Bob F :handclap: :handclap: