:)
Kevin, re-"Bob, You are such a tart!", comment !!.
Which way am I supposed to take that???
Bob F
Printable View
:)
Kevin, re-"Bob, You are such a tart!", comment !!.
Which way am I supposed to take that???
Bob F
With a smile on your face.Quote:
Originally Posted by roccija
It's only jealousy!
:)
A couple of jokes to start off the week-end.
As a young piper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a
> grave-side service for a homeless man,
> with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way
> back in the country,
> and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
> As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost;
> and being a typical man did not stop for directions.
> I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were
> eating lunch,
> but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
> I apologized to the workers for my tardiness,
> and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the
> vault lid already in place.
> I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long,
> but this was the proper thing to do.
> The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my
> heart and soul.
> As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd
> never played before:
> From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest.
> I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
> As I was opening the door and taking off my coat,
> I overheard one of the workers saying to another,
> 'Lard Jeezuz b'y, I never seen nothin' like that
> before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.'
-----------------------------------------------
Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Newfie says to the second,
'If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife
while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby,
would that make us related?'
The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute,
scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard
about the question.
Finally, he says,
'Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even.'
-----------------------------------------
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
_____
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or
shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? (stealth tax)
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like
every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
_____
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
_
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your arse?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place
Bob F :handclap: :handclap: Have a great week-end !!!
Good ones again Bob, got me laughing.
Cheers.
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy s ex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze...
Four-sprung Duck technique
:)
That's a "QUACKER" tabnab !!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
Good One Fred.
:)
Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up
> >> to the counter.
> >>
> >> The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
> >>
> >> 'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
> >> Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German
> >> Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
> >>
> >> Then, warming to his theme, he went on:
> >>
> >> 'Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was
> >> Jewish?' 'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was
> >> Mexican?
> >> Would Ya? Would Ya?'
> >>
> >> The assistant said: 'Well, no.'
> >>
> >> Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it
> >> up a gear. 'And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I
> >> was French?'
> >> 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
> >>
> >> 'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.
> >>
> >> So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well,
> >> all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for
> >> Irish sausages?'
> >>
> >> The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase'
---------------------------------------------------------
COWBOY BOOTS
A mature couple, Rod and Barb, are in California.
Rod always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on
sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife:
'Notice anything different about me?'
Barb looks him over, 'Nope.'
Frustrated Rod storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time,
'Notice anything different NOW?'
Barb looks up and says, 'Rod , what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow.'
Furious, Rod yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BARB?'
'Nope', she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Barb replied, ?Shoulda bought a hat, Rod . Shoulda bought a hat." !!
----------------------------------------------------------------
NEW SUNBURN TREATMENT:
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital,
and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for
him, doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep
the sheets off his legs." !!!!!!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Had to pass this one on !!!
Union Rules & Hookers
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas
and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one,
he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn 't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search
continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,
'Why yes sir, this is a union house. 'We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The
girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a
stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde .
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year
old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and
according to union rules, she's next.'
NOW YOU Know what's wrong with the AUTO industry
And why they want a BAILOUT !!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
Funny again Bob. had me laughing.
:)
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'S**t,' the Rottweiler ate her!'
The teacher had to leave the room. !!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Wisdom Of A Retiree
I've often been asked,
'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
�
Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, rum, and martinis into urine..
And, we're pretty **** good at it, too!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
----------------------------------------------------------------
WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memorium
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "TheHokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
�
Fanbloodytastic Bob, very funny, cant stop laughing.
Exceptional amigo,welcome back!!
:)
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:
'Good trade . . . . . '
-------------------------------------------------------------
TALKING CLOCK
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a*****e! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Some old, some new !!
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied,
'in-laws.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS' !!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and h e had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5 :00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:handclap::)
New Alphabet ?
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now
TheAlphabet
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
Tis for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know .
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have--in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
"The Scottish boy??"
Look Mum I'm Scottish...
A young English boy finds a kilt and wears it for a laugh. He goes to his mum and says "Look mum I'm Scottish".
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go and tell your gran what you just said"
The boy goes to his gran and says "Look gran I'm Scottish! ".
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go tell your dad what you just said"
The boy goes to his dad and says "Look dad - I'm Scottish.
His dad goes ballistic - takes off his belt and gives him a good thrashing. Then he says to him - "I can't believe you just said that, now how do you feel"?
The boy says - "I've only been Scottish for 5 minutes and I hate you English b******s already".
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Some oldies, but goodies !!!
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital..
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him..
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Like those? Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
Fred is sitting in a burger restaurant when he notices two old dears who have just been served sitting at the next table. They've got one meal between them. The man unwraps the burger and cuts it in two, giving half to his wife. Fred is really concerend - the couple have lived to a ripe age but are having to economise. He goes over to them.
'Excuse me, I hope you won't be offended but I've noticed that you only have one meal between you - I'd like to buy you another. You're about the same age as my folks and I'd hate to think of them in this situation so would like to help.'
The old man replies, 'that's very kind of you, but we're OK.' Fred returns to his seat.
Fred then notices that the old man is dividing the fries into two. He reckons the couple are too proud to accept charity, but he's determined to help so goes over again.
'I'm sorry to bother you again, it breaks my heart to see the situation you are in. I'll bet you've fought for your country and have paid taxes all your life - you deserve to have enough to eat - please let me buy you a meal'.
The old man responds again that they're all right, so Fred has to return to his seat. He watches the old woman slowly start to eat her food but the old man just sits there watching her. After a minutes he decides yet again that he must offer help.
'Excuse me, I notice that you've yet to eat your food, is there something you need - salt of ketchup or something?' The old man again responds that they're OK. But Fred just can't let it go.
'I'm sorry - I'm really concerned about you. You won't let me help and now you're just sitting looking at your food. Is there something you are waiting for?'
'Yes' replies the old man. 'My turn with the teeth'.
:)
The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to
the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will
be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?'
asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad,' says the man .
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man , 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there.'
'That's brilli ant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the man .
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.' !!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
The Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bee on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
The cat's response, - "Get ST***ED"
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:)
Fw: Irish priest
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from his
bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful
day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front
lawn.
He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''
''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's
Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye
be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?''
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of
the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a long
moment.................
Father O'Malley then replied: ''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin.''
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Couldn't resist including this one !!
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. '
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating' .
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
was 'fascinated'.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnie raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnie before. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Ronnie said, 'My Aunt Lesley has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t**s
are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.!!!.
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
The Scottish Golfer (You'll love this)
An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'
'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my grandad's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
B rilliant as always Bob,keep 'em rolling it's good to start the day with a laugh,
BrianD
:)
Older Women Are So Reasonable
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "FORTY-FOUR YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".
NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 69-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES!!!!!.
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:.
Ha,Ha,
a real catch 22!:handclap:
The first man married a woman from Ireland . He told her that
she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a
couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a
clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from England . He gave
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes
and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and
there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered
her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second
day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of
his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could
fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
:)
The absolute best Little Johnnie joke
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be ***cked if he needed glasses".
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
A rabbi's son had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father about use of the family car.
His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father about his use of the car. The rabbi said, "Son, I am very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The Rabbi said, "Yes, and wherever they went, they walked."
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his f***ing forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. !!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
(An oldie, but goodie"!!)
Subject: the marriage
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along..'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey !!!!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
WHITE LIE CAKE
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of those who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, & helping her son pack for Scout camp.
When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.'
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and,to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, 'What a beautiful cake!'
Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, 'Thank you, I baked it myself.'
Alice smiled and thought to herself, 'God is good.'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people
>> are flying with you?"
>>
>> Paddy replies "I dont know! Its your ****ing plane!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
> servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
> death trap!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "Im
>> gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!"
>>
>> He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
>> I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
>>
>> The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
>>
>> Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
>>
>> "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
>>
>> "I cant work in the friggin dark! " says Murphy.
>>
-------------------------------------------------------
You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a
> light switch away!
---------------------------------------------------------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath
> beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which
> point Paddy said "I dont think thats her, she wasnt that tall!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like
> mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" & storms off.
>
> He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks "What did you do?"
>
> Paddy replies "Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they
---------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
> "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didnt even know they had mobile phones
---------------------------------------------------------------
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say
> "Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!"
>
> Paddy says "Whats his name?"
>
> Mick replies "Miles from London!
---------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &
> stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts "Its thick c**ts like
> you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the ****
> out of you if I could swim!"
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Sunday smile !!
Subject: Blind People
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says,'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?' He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on
the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale
this week for only $20.00.'
It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter', she says. I'll take it!' As she opens her
purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 'Oh, that sounds like a
Master Card,' he sez.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that
she was the only person around.
The clerk rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Some good Irish jokes to give you a smile or two !!!!!
Subject: Irish stuff
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at
the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five finish playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got to
tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me..'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the
door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is
afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher..
-------
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a
sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised,
and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible licking' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended
yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's bosom,
and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
----
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver,
'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a
few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and
folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections
back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there,
I thought I'd gone deaf.'
------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that ****
gun...'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
BLONDE PAINTER
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
You'll love this .
Yep... I know you will . .
^
^
^
^
^
'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS' !!!!!!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Stay !!!
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Local Shopping Centre and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.
I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'
'Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,
'Why don't you just put it in park ?
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
OLD COUPLE Engagement
Jimmy, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida ,
are all excited about their decision to get married. They
Go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they
Pass a
Drugstore. Jimmy suggests they go in.
*Jimmy addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
*Jimmy: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart
Medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
*Jimmy: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "
*Jimmy: "
Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
*Jimmy: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
*Jimmy: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and
Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
*Jimmy: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
*Jimmy: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
*Jimmy: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and
Sizes."
*Jimmy: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
**Jimmy: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry." !!!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap: