Bobs' Funnies,for the jokes both old and new

I gave Neil Armstrong a blow job earlier.

Needless to say, he was over the moon.

got stung by nettles today.
That bloke off Bergerac sold me a dodgy motor.

I went into my local and it was empty
The landlord said "It's a bit quiet at the moment, would you help me change the barrel. I wouldn't normally ask but I've injured my hand"
So I follow him down into the cellar and sitting there in the dark is a fat woman.

"Is that the barrel?" I quip.
"It is actually" chuckles the landlord.

So we dressed the fat woman in some new clothes. Then went back up to the bar.

I've been engaged quite a few times, but never had the heart to get married.

There's been quite a few near Mrs.

I'm sweating like Michael Barrymore on pool cleaning day.

We were told at work yesterday that today we were all having drug tests.
Bringing in my cocaine to find out its purity was not my best sodding idea.

I've just started an online dating site for Siamese twins.
It's called Connect 4.

My old dad used to say: "If you know the answer's going to be 'No', then there's no point in even asking!"

Best bit of dating advice I ever had.

What is the best thing about dating a "homeless" woman?

You can drop her off anywhere.

I have just seen on a cigarette packet 'smoking can harm others around you'.

After my experience last night, I think they should put a warning like that on Stella.

After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.

The police saw me through the walls of my house smoking weed from the street and I was arrested.

It goes to show, people who live in glass houses shouldn't get stoned.

I went to Billy Haley's Chip shop the other night. "I said what fish have you got".

He said we've got "Skate, Haddock and Sole".

It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

After giving birth a month ago the wife wanted us to have sex but I said she wasn't ready and I told her I could prove it.

I've just put my foot in it.