Trying to think of a suitable retort. The best I can come up with starts with 'B' and ends in 'ollox'.Quote:
Originally Posted by captain kong
:rolleyes:
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Trying to think of a suitable retort. The best I can come up with starts with 'B' and ends in 'ollox'.Quote:
Originally Posted by captain kong
:rolleyes:
:)
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!"
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."
The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to
hold onto when I pull your tooth."
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,
'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of Running boards.'
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went
To the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered
Three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair
Of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two
Slices of crisp bacon.
'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment
And then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?
She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
Headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!'
'For Once The Blonde Gets Even!'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
BUYING Viagra
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist ' But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I am 96' said the old man, 'I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't p**s on my slippers.'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Proper Medication
Teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for...
Mickey: 'Tylenol?'
Teacher: 'Very good! And what is it used for?'
Mickey: 'It is used for headaches'
Eddie: 'Nytol, Teacher.'
Teacher: 'Excellent. And what is it used for?'
Eddie: 'To help you sleep'
Now it's Ricky's turn and he says: 'Viagra.'
Teacher, slightly shocked: 'Ricky, What do you think it is used for?'
Ricky: 'It can be used for diarrhea.'
Teacher: 'Who told you this?'
Ricky: 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little sh*t will get harder.'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
Why men don't write advice columns.
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour's daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
******************************
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
Walter
:)
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY
An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'
'Why not?' he asked.
She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'
The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'
She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'
He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'
'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'
.............
Remember...
Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
....If it weren't for STRESS
I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan...
Will Not Be Evenly Distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some, like me, just don't have any film.
I always know that........
God won't give me more than I can handle
There are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff
If the shoe fits... buy a pair in every color.
Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out.
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian.
Not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Bills travel through the mail...
at twice the speed of checks.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from earth.
Women are from earth.
Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years
and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
Trust me... you can't live long enough to make
them all yourself.......
I've tried!!
Have A Wonderful Day!
Hold your loved ones close, tell them your love them, for if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Retired with a Job...
I've often been asked, "What do you folks do to keep busy, now that you're retired?"
Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and vodka into urine.
And, we're pretty **** good at it too!!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. ' Just get out.'
*********************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
*************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James , a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
************************************************** **
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of g*******a in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
************************************************** *8
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
A Few Funny Stories
A little lighthearted humour about Seniors.
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The
Villages, a Florida adult community.
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the
bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger
here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my
wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * *
Another two elderly people living in Clearwater Assisted
Living, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each
other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big
arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at
her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will
you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she
answered "Yes. Yes, I will!"
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges,
they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did
she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might,
he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as
he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I
asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did
you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes,
yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called,
because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center , "I
just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand
dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at the
local Medical Clinic to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the
street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'" Morris replied.
To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I
said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange
Dipper", an ice cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:Smiliz_Kingz_PDT_13
A young man named John received a parrot named 'Chief ' as
a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite
words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. '
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
'May I ask what the turkey did? '
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
Season's Greetings
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
I once had a Cockatoo called Charlie when I was in the Spice Islands,
He was just like that Parrot.he could cuss and swear like a good sailor. especially when he was drunk on the Javanese Brandy. I swopped him for a bottle of Brandy in a bar in Padang, Sumatra the day I sailed for home. He sat behind the bar and his last word to me was, that he questioned if my father was my father.. I felt like Judas. Still miss him.
:)
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
Disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal ??.
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
19. M*****a G****i, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
He suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had b***** all', he says, 'B_*_*_*_*_* -A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada, Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The &*******& boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got b***** all for breakfast'.
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
"I'm sure you have all heard ? or done? this before" !!!
Just click on this web-site and you'll see !!!!!!!
http://www.members.shaw.ca/faithshannon/ye-ol-fart.html
Bob F :handclap: :handclap: :handclap:
Subject: Message From bin Laden
After numerous rounds of ?We don't even know if Osama bin Laden is still alive,? Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he faxed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6.
Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help. Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:
?Tell the President he's holding the note upside down.?
:unibrow:
A Scotsman was heading out to the pub and turned to his wee wife before leaving...
'Jackie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.'
'Aw, John that's nice -are you taking me to the pub with you?'
'Nah, am just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'
The first people in the UK to have double glazed windows were the Scots...
so their kids couldn't hear the ice cream vans coming!
How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?........
Och! it's no that dark!
A Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi.....
She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter...
A suicidal Scotsman went next door to his neighbour's house to gas himsel....
A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once,
so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says
'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband.'
The man at the desk says 'OK, how much money dae ye have?'
The old woman replies '?5' to which the man says 'Ye won't get many words for that but write
something and we'll see if it's ok.'
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.
The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid'
He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things,
saying 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money.'
The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again.
The man then reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
My forgetter's getting better ,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And , when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room ,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain , but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?'
Yes , my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.
>>>>>
>>>>>The Department of Pay and Pensions claimed he was not paying proper
>>>>>wages
>>>>>to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
>>>>>
>>>>>'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded
>>>>>the
>>>>>rep.
>>>>>
>>>>>'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me
>>>>>for 3
>>>>>years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
>>>>>
>>>>>The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150
>>>>>per
>>>>>week plus free room and board.
>>>>>
>>>>>Then there's the h**f-w*t. He works about 18 hours every day and does
>>>>>about
>>>>>90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his
>>>>>own
>>>>>room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.
>>>>>He
>>>>>also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>'That's the guy I want to talk to ... the h**f-w*t,' says the agent.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>'That would be me,' replied the farmer
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
>>>>>
GOOD ONES, WHO EVER YOU ARE, CANT REMEMBER YOUR NAME NOW
CHEERS
:)
"Bout time for some jokes " !!!
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When
I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I think you're bad luck... get away from me.'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Another !!
Subject: An Atheist
>
> An atheist was walking through the woods.
> "What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"!
> "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.
>
> As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
> behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards
> him.
>
>
>
> He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw
> that the bear was closing in on him.
>
> He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped &
> fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear
> was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his
> right paw to strike him.
>
>
>
>
> At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
>
> Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
>
> As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny
> my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, even credit
> creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this
> predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
> The atheist looked directly into the light, "It'd be hypocritical of me to
> suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make
> the BEAR a Christian"?
>
> "Very Well," said the voice.
>
> The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped
> his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
>
> "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through
> Christ our Lord, Amen."
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Carrying on !! -------"Blondie"
FLAT TIRE
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coat s, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I=2 0could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!"
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
A "quickie" !!
GUY SAYS TO HIS WIFE:
"Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?"
Wife replies:
"I'd take half then leave you."
guy says
"Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten dollars. Here's a fiver- now
f*** off!"
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
Brilliant Bob ,thanks for warming a wintry night with a laugh ,BrianD
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'
'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says, 'How well can you do?'
'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.
'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says:
Liver alone. Cheese mine
Julia:)
Good one Julie.:PDT_Aliboronz_24:
:)
I'm back from a brief - but nice- warm break in Cuba, and trying to catch up on the e-mails that have piled up. In the meantime, here are a few "oldies, but goodies" still good for a smile.
Subject: Fw: These will brighten your day -- maybe (depends on your age)
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital..
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him..
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Bob F :PDT_Aliboronz_24: :PDT_Aliboronz_24:
Good ones as usual Bob, Hope you enjoyed Cuba, Is the Rum still cheap ?
I once met Fidel Castro in June 1959, when I asked him to buy me a drink he told me to Vamoos. I havent spoken to him since, the tight git.
Cheers ALEHOUSE
:)
We stayed at an "all inclusive" resort Brian, so there was no charge for anything !!, - and a bottle of Rum was in the room as a welcome gift. Also, there is a 24 hour bar !, and a 24 hour snack bar - in case anybody gets hungry during the night . And yes !!, I did have a few "Rum and Cokes" for all the lads !!!.
Bob F :PDT_Aliboronz_24: :PDT_Aliboronz_24:
Quote:
Originally Posted by roccija
With a wife like that no wonder you're looking a bit knackered!
:PDT_Aliboronz_24:
:)
Thanks for the "compliment" Kevin?, but the young lady is my daughter's Cuban friend !!. My daughter has been going down to Cuba for a few years, and they became friends. You're right though, she certainly is a "stunner".
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
Just been reading the funny's--good job.Nice to see another
Canadian on this site,were everywhere-I'm just down hyw 6
in Guelph I work at the big Chrysler dealer.I was born and raised in Garston,L/pool.This site has been a breath of fresh air and brings back so many good memories.I have been here 20yrs and still hate the winters nice to hear you managed to get away though,anywhere with sun and cheap rum would work for me right now.cheers all the best John.
:)
Further to my Cuba trip Kevin, this young lady was our waitress !!,- another "stunner" !!!.
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
You can still pull`em Bob,It must be your wedge in your wallet or the wedge in your pants that does it.
Sounds like a Sailors Dream, Free Rum and beautiful Cuban girls. What more could you wish for?.
Just jealous thats all.
I am off to Buenos Aires after next week, I will see if Cleopatra is still flaunting herself in the Texas Bar on Calle 25 de Mayo.
After that I am going to Ushuaia, Tierra del Fuego, Cape Horn and then the Antarctic, South Georgia, Tristan Da Cunha, and Cape Town. The ship I am on has a free bar, wine beer and spirits. good for keeping out the cold.
I may get lucky.
Great to see you back Bob, you look like a million bucks, but who would'nt sitting amongst such beauties. Where were you staying, Varadero? We were there the week beofre 9/11.
And you, Captain Kong ,we wish you and Anne all the very bestdown South America way(don't forget to watch out for the muggers).Your trip to Antarctica will be envied by us all;bring us back a Penguin(the chocolate kind!!
BrianD
Bob,Quote:
Originally Posted by roccija
You are such a tart!
:unibrow:
Brian,Quote:
Originally Posted by captain kong
Have a good 'un.
Kevin