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Here y'are,here y'are ,an Englishman an Irishman and a Pakistani were standing at the bar having a drink and I thought......................................
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.........what a wonderful tribute to the state of race relations in our country!!!
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I'm half Irish and half Liverpudlian, and find them really funny. You can only take offence if you look for it!
Fair enough - I give up. Haven't taken offence myself but was concerned others might.Quote:
Originally Posted by M6AJJ
:)
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what......
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.They discovered that they both Brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on
all through the fourth and fifth Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
' Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said To the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers Down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said 'Oh, my Goodness, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBLETS!!!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
The Marine
The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the only seat remaining.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! Put this American IN his place !'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong
hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window!
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:: PDT_Aliboronz_24:
:)
THE SOUTH --- YOU GOTTA LOVE IT
Tennessee?
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.? D. ?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. ?Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
And this from South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
THE JOURNEY OF MAN!!!!!
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big ***s.
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:nod:
Handling rude customers
For all who work with Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this !
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some
months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service.
A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on
this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able
to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F.... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this)
sir, you'll have to get in line for that too.'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
:)
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
>
> Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
> looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?'
> he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big
> chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been
> eating my porridge?!?' he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the
> serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many
> times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
>
> It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone
> in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear
> who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It
> was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who
> went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and
> croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the **** table. 'It was Mummy Bear
> who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them
> their food, and refilled their water.
> 'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs
> and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
> because I'm only going to say this once.... 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING
> PORRIDGE YET!!!'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
:)
Precisely my philosophy for Christmas Dining!
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat step #3.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'
Bob F :handclap: :handclap: :PDT_Aliboronz_24: :PDT_Aliboronz_24:
:)
Just received this from a friend, and couldn't resist passing it on.
Subject:* *Life lesson*
> Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its
> place was a silver screw.
>
> All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could
> do.Like it or not, he was stuck with it ..... He was sc****d.
>
> All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the
> screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house.... And
> thus, never made any friends.
>
> One day,a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami
> in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The
> next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal
> .
>
> After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant
> monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was
> told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following
> day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man
> immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
>
> During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window.
> In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the
> screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
>
> The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on
> the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there
> was no screw there! Jubilant,he leaped out of bed ...... And his butt
> fell off.
>
> The moral to this is: "Don't screw around with things you don't
> understand --You could lose your a*s."
Bob F :handclap: :handclap:
Ha Ha, some good ones there! :nod:
An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Brill! I love those ecumenical jokes,more please,
BrianD
:)
A Maritimer's Chevrolet Christmas song!!!
Turn the sound up
It is almost time for Christmas
Rusty Chevrolet
Sing to "Jingle Bells"
DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW
IN MY RUSTY CHEVROLET
DOWN THE ROAD I GO
SLIDING ALL THE WAY
I NEED NEW PISTON RINGS
I NEED SOME NEW SNOW TIRES
MY CAR IS HELD TOGETHER
BY A PIECE OF CHICKEN WIRE
CHORUS:
OH, RUST AND SMOKE, THE HEATER'S BROKE
THE DOOR JUST BLEW AWAY
I LIGHT A MATCH TO SEE THE DASH
AND THEN I START TO PRAY, EH...
THE FRAME IS BENT, THE MUFFLER WENT
THE RADIO IT'S OK
OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO DRIVE
THIS RUSTY CHEVROLET
I WENT TO THE IGA
TO GET SOME CHRISTMAS CHEER
I JUST PASSED UP MY LEFT FRONT TIRE
AND ITS GETTING HARD TO STEER
SKIDDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY
RIGHT PAST THE NEGAUNEE COPS
I HAD TO DRAG MY SWAMPERS
TO GET THE CAR TO STOP
(REPEAT CHORUS)
BOUNCING THROUGH THE SNOWDRIFTS
IN A BIG BLUE CLOUD OF SMOKE
PEOPLE LAUGH AS I DRIVE BY
I WONDER WHAT'S THE JOKE
I GOT TO GET TO SHOPCO
TO PICK UP THE LAYAWAY
'CAUSE SANTA CLAUS IS COMING SOON
IN HIS BIG OLD RUSTY SLEIGH
(REPEAT CHORUS)
Bob F :handclap: :handclap: