I swallowed a Chess piece the other day, if you don't believe me you can Check Mate.
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I swallowed a Chess piece the other day, if you don't believe me you can Check Mate.
It's amazing how long people can hold a grudge for. I had my school reunion last night.
Most of them still haven't forgiven me for the gun massacre.
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"!
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.The man then replies:Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
I went to the book shop earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
What are 3 words you never wanna hear while having sex ? Honey, I'm home!
When I'm hungover I always fancy something fatty.
Mmmmmmm Vanessa Feltz
Keep them coming Pabs... there great
I knew you'd like them.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenny
I was in the pub the other day telling that old joke about "What do you do if you see an epileptic have a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing!" We were all having a good laugh about this when someone tapped me on the shoulder and said "Excuse me mate but I dont find that funny. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit." I said "Im ever so sorry mate, did he drown?" "No" he said "he choked on a sock"
I got visit from the RSPCA today.
Turns out Cash for Gold don't take fish.
There was a man that threw some salad at me... Tosser.
It was the middle of the night in the balloon household and everyone was asleep, except baby ballon who had had a nightmare. He went throught to his parents room and tried to squeeze inbetween mummy balloon and daddy balloon but he just could'nt quite fit, so he went to his mum's knot and let out a bit of air, but he still could'nt fit so he went to his dad's and let out some air but still he couldnt fit, finally he undid his own knot and let out some air, finally he could fit in. In the morning when they all woke up the mummy and daddy ballon where furious! they yelled at baby ballon ''not only have you let your me and your mum down youve also let yourself down''.
In the world of metal detecting, my uncle's at the top of his field.......all alone......the sad sod.
I've just joined my local Tug Of War team...
I'm not very good yet, but they're only showing me the ropes
I have to stop biting my nails.. I'm running out of things to hang my pictures with.
I don't have OCD.
I've read 13,253 books on it, so I'd know if I did.
I saved up my Sun newspaper tokens for the cheap England shirt, it came today and when I checked the size it said;
XXX Thick
I got my hair cut yesterday, and at first i really didn't like it..
But it's growing on me.
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?
Was in the taxi last night/early this morning coming back from Whitehaven. It took me until I was well on my way home to realize that I didn't have the money to pay the driver, so when we pulled up I opened the door and legged it. The driver shouted after me 'I will get my revenge!'.
Oh, how i laughed.
Germany wins Eurovision then four days later an old WWII bomb explodes "unexpectedly".
Carlsberg don't do timely reminders, but if they did....
A man sits next to a guy with a dog on a plane and asks him "Is he a guide dog"? "No i am a drugs officer, he's a sniffer dog, watch this" and says to the dog "Search" The dog goes off and comes back and puts 1 paw on his lap "Heroin" the drug officer says and makes a note of the passenger. The dog runs off and comes back again and puts 2 paws on his lap. "Coke" the drug officer says. The dog runs off and comes back again and sh1ts all over the seat. "What's that then"? the first man asks. The drugs officer replies "he's found a sodding bomb!!!!"
Suggested to the wife she might like to shave downstairs................................she blocked the sink but at least her moustache has gone
Man phones doctor concerned about the hearing of his pensioner wife.
Doc, says perform short test. Outside the house ask, in a normal voice, "What's for tea?" If no response go closer to the house, into the house, into the kitchen all the time testing.
Man asks and asks again...no response.
Finally he walks up behind his wife and asks again...
His wife turns round and says...
"For the fourth bleedin' time CHICKEN!!" :)
Old man goes to Docs concerned about his hearing going and coming back at different times Doc says describe the symptoms Man says well Marge has got blue hair
I seem to remember it was only a few days ago that you were suggesting that we all thought carefully before posting anything. You may have laughed, but can I suggest it was because you didn't put yourself in the shoes of anyone affected by the events in Cumbria before posting this 'funny' story...Quote:
Originally Posted by pablo42
John Doh,f**k off to another forum or stop trying to stir sh1t here.
I'm not wishing to stir anything - but was hoping that, following Kev's intervention, we might have buried some of the sh1t. I certainly don't want to see it all starting again. I can indulge in black humour myself, but just find that particular example a bit insensitive - and it's as if Pablo feels the need to see how far he can go. I know I'm not the only one who finds that a bit tedious. Tell me do you find that 'joke' funny?Quote:
Originally Posted by GNASHER
Yes and the 6 other ones I got by text.
This new tory gov is not working for jobs.Since it came in,3 prostitutes have been axed in Bradford and now 12 people have got the bullet in Cumbria.
B & B from £6 a night,get pi55ed up and ride on some of the worlds best rollercoasters before taking in the match,guaranteed 3 points for your team and countless drunken slappers out on the town after the game.........
Carlsberg don't do away games but the PremierLeague does...welcome to Blackpool.
I don't get it:oQuote:
Originally Posted by essexscouse
Bad taste!Quote:
Originally Posted by GNASHER
He has a right to his opinions just like you.Quote:
John Doh,f**k off to another forum or stop trying to stir sh1t here.
Yes he has but if I don't agree with it can't I post my opinion ?
See new post on the Rafa thread,can't be arsed posting it again.
Ha, funny thing is though John, I done these things. I never watched them on the news and tutted. I was there. When you've been under fire, come back and we'll speak...Quote:
Originally Posted by John Doh
Nice one Gash. Love 'em...
Symptoms : SimpsonsQuote:
Originally Posted by Ronijayne