I gave Neil Armstrong a blow job earlier.
Needless to say, he was over the moon.
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I gave Neil Armstrong a blow job earlier.
Needless to say, he was over the moon.
got stung by nettles today.
That bloke off Bergerac sold me a dodgy motor.
I went into my local and it was empty
The landlord said "It's a bit quiet at the moment, would you help me change the barrel. I wouldn't normally ask but I've injured my hand"
So I follow him down into the cellar and sitting there in the dark is a fat woman.
"Is that the barrel?" I quip.
"It is actually" chuckles the landlord.
So we dressed the fat woman in some new clothes. Then went back up to the bar.
I've been engaged quite a few times, but never had the heart to get married.
There's been quite a few near Mrs.
I'm sweating like Michael Barrymore on pool cleaning day.
We were told at work yesterday that today we were all having drug tests.
Bringing in my cocaine to find out its purity was not my best sodding idea.
I've just started an online dating site for Siamese twins.
It's called Connect 4.
My old dad used to say: "If you know the answer's going to be 'No', then there's no point in even asking!"
Best bit of dating advice I ever had.
What is the best thing about dating a "homeless" woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
I have just seen on a cigarette packet 'smoking can harm others around you'.
After my experience last night, I think they should put a warning like that on Stella.
After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.
The police saw me through the walls of my house smoking weed from the street and I was arrested.
It goes to show, people who live in glass houses shouldn't get stoned.
I went to Billy Haley's Chip shop the other night. "I said what fish have you got".
He said we've got "Skate, Haddock and Sole".
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
After giving birth a month ago the wife wanted us to have sex but I said she wasn't ready and I told her I could prove it.
I've just put my foot in it.
Usually you can hear a scraping sound when you reach the bottom,Pablo.
No, got a lot lower to go yet George...Quote:
Originally Posted by George
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle names.
Told ya...
I went to a strip club with a few of my mates last night.
One of the girls walked up to me and said, "Hi baby, do you fancy a dance, £15?"
I said, "I'm not very good at dancing, but i'm pretty skint so I could do with the money".
My mate said to me the other day "the coke at Mcdonalds tastes different to other places"
I replied "It tastes much nicer, they clean the toilet seat"
What does an onion and kick in the goolies have in common?
...they both make yer eyes water.
Ha good one George.
The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office. This is how their conversation went:
"Sister, I want to show you something."
"What is it, Father?"
"Come into my private room & close the blinds."
"WHAT?!"
"I said....."
"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
"Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
"Here, sit on the bed beside me."
"I have to get out of here."
"Aren't you the least bit curious?"
Well, the nun was, so she sat down beside him.
"Get under the covers."
"WHAT?????!!!!!"
The nun was really freaking out.
"It doesn't work otherwise!"
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He whispers: "Come closer."
Nervously, she does get closer.
"See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!"
A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says, "Let's put, 'you are not getting older you are getting better'".
The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"
The man says, "Well, put 'You are not getting older', at the top and 'You are getting better' at the bottom".
The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top, You are getting better at the bottom".
Big Gay Ray goes 2 docs 2 get his test results.
The doc says, "Im sorry Big Gay Ray but you've got AIDS!"
Big Gay Ray is devastated & asks the doc what to do.
The doc says, "Eat 1 sausage 1 head of cabbage 20 jalapeno peppers 40 walnuts 40 peanuts a half box of All Bran cereal & top it off with a gallon of prune juice".
"Will this cure me?" asks Big Gay Ray.
"No" said the doc, "But it'll give you a better understanding of what your ARSE is for!"
For a cheap laugh when walking through town, it's always funny to bump into someone in a camouflage jacket and say,
"Sorry mate, didn't see you there."
I told my girlfriend to shave downstairs.
She blocked the kitchen sink, but at least her moustache is gone.
Don't you think that Formula 1 would be better if they had to down a pint at the end of every lap?
I must be getting old, i was watching a porno earlier and all i could think of is 'That bed would look great in my bedroom.'
Signs of getting old Pabs....
Tell me about it. When I look at pornos now, I look at the decorations...Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenny
I have noticed...
Ha, I shall have to change me DVDs...Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenny
I went to the magic circle to apply to train as a magician and they gave me a form to fill in,
I gave up after a few minutes, it was full of trick questions...
Israel: Bringing machine guns to knife fights since 1948.
My teacher asked me to draw a square with my eyes closed, but I made a hash of it.
It's easy to be wise. Just think of something stupid and then don't say it.
Way to go, Pablo. Merchant seamen are mainly insensitive baskets, so no warries about hurting anybodies feelings on this thread.
Just joking, Cap'n.:)
Ha, thanks Samsette. Odd, how being funny can upset people.
Has to done though...