I’ve got Online Hypochondria.
I got bored and typed every niggle, pain and habit into google. The results?.....
I tend to drink now and again. Y’know, a can when I’m watching a film alone or something.
Since I don’t mind drinking alone I’m a potential alcoholic with a developing kidney disease. It’s also possible –it seems- that I’m prone to depressions and I should seek help as regards me maybe committing suicide. (That doesn’t mean I need help to commit suicide, but I should be wary that I might).
This was serious stuff! My heart started pounding…..So I looked that up too.
It seems I suffer from stress and anxiety. I need counselling for the stress and need beta-blockers to bring my blood pressure down before I have a stroke and heart attack.
I’m getting seriously worried by all this. Perhaps they are right about that depression stuff. It was certainly ginning me a headache…so I checked that out.
I’ve a possible tumour or possible Brain Edema, both of which need urgent treatment…I can hardly breathe now my chest is so tight with worry.
Alcoholic ketoacidosis……It’s the BOOZE! OMG! I’m doomed!...I need a ciggy.
Ye Gods! I can fill several books! But it does seem I may have “An addictive personality” Well sod that! I’ll stick to coffee.
Ooops. Coffee and tea are out…..A raw carrot?....I need something to take my mind off my insipient death.
“See addictive personality disorders.”……gulp!
One raw carrot?.........”Food produce grown in urban environments such as allotments have been shown to absorb 27% more lead from the atmosphere, than those grown in agricultural settings”.
I’ve got lead poisoning…that’s my problem.
• Pain, numbness or tingling of the extremities
• Muscular weakness
• Abdominal pain
• Memory loss
• Mood disorders
• Reduced sperm count, abnormal sperm
I bet I’ve no more than two days to live!
Depression, Addictive personality disorders (betting).
“Often associated with Drinking.”
Oh well…no-one ever got rich by gambling (Wanna bet you’re wrong?)
*Laughs at his own Joke*
Inappropriate laughter. Manic Depressions.
*Burst into tears and falls to floor crying* “Waugh! I want my Mummy”