Bobs' Funnies,for the jokes both old and new

[roccija]

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.
>>>>>
>>>>>The Department of Pay and Pensions claimed he was not paying proper
>>>>>wages
>>>>>to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
>>>>>
>>>>>'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded
>>>>>the
>>>>>rep.
>>>>>
>>>>>'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me
>>>>>for 3
>>>>>years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
>>>>>
>>>>>The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150
>>>>>per
>>>>>week plus free room and board.
>>>>>
>>>>>Then there's the h**f-w*t. He works about 18 hours every day and does
>>>>>about
>>>>>90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his
>>>>>own
>>>>>room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.
>>>>>He
>>>>>also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>'That's the guy I want to talk to ... the h**f-w*t,' says the agent.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>'That would be me,' replied the farmer

Bob F
>>>>>

[captain kong]

GOOD ONES, WHO EVER YOU ARE, CANT REMEMBER YOUR NAME NOW
CHEERS

[roccija]

"Bout time for some jokes " !!!


A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.


As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When
I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck... get away from me.'

Bob F

[roccija]

Another !!

Subject: An Atheist
>
> An atheist was walking through the woods.
> "What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"!
> "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.
>
> As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
> behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards
> him.
>
>
>
> He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw
> that the bear was closing in on him.
>
> He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped &
> fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear
> was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his
> right paw to strike him.
>
>
>
>
> At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
>
> Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
>
> As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny
> my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, even credit
> creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this
> predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
> The atheist looked directly into the light, "It'd be hypocritical of me to
> suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make
> the BEAR a Christian"?
>
> "Very Well," said the voice.
>
> The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped
> his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
>
> "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through
> Christ our Lord, Amen."

Bob F

[roccija]

Carrying on !! -------"Blondie"

FLAT TIRE

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coat s, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I=2 0could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!"

Bob F

[roccija]

A "quickie" !!

GUY SAYS TO HIS WIFE:
"Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?"

Wife replies:
"I'd take half then leave you."

guy says
"Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten dollars. Here's a fiver- now
f*** off!"

Bob F

[brian daley]

Brilliant Bob ,thanks for warming a wintry night with a laugh ,BrianD

[Julia Kimber]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'

'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says, 'How well can you do?'

'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.

'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says:





Liver alone. Cheese mine

Julia

[captain kong]

Good one Julie.

[roccija]

I'm back from a brief - but nice- warm break in Cuba, and trying to catch up on the e-mails that have piled up. In the meantime, here are a few "oldies, but goodies" still good for a smile.

Subject: Fw: These will brighten your day -- maybe (depends on your age)

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'


An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital..
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him..
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Bob F

[captain kong]

Good ones as usual Bob, Hope you enjoyed Cuba, Is the Rum still cheap ?

I once met Fidel Castro in June 1959, when I asked him to buy me a drink he told me to Vamoos. I havent spoken to him since, the tight git.

Cheers ALEHOUSE

[roccija]

We stayed at an "all inclusive" resort Brian, so there was no charge for anything !!, - and a bottle of Rum was in the room as a welcome gift. Also, there is a 24 hour bar !, and a 24 hour snack bar - in case anybody gets hungry during the night . And yes !!, I did have a few "Rum and Cokes" for all the lads !!!.

Bob F

[kevin]

We stayed at an "all inclusive" resort Brian, so there was no charge for anything !!, - and a bottle of Rum was in the room as a welcome gift. Also, there is a 24 hour bar !, and a 24 hour snack bar - in case anybody gets hungry during the night . And yes !!, I did have a few "Rum and Cokes" for all the lads !!!.

Bob F

With a wife like that no wonder you're looking a bit knackered!

[roccija]

Thanks for the "compliment" Kevin?, but the young lady is my daughter's Cuban friend !!. My daughter has been going down to Cuba for a few years, and they became friends. You're right though, she certainly is a "stunner".

Bob F

[BYRNESY63]

Just been reading the funny's--good job.Nice to see another
Canadian on this site,were everywhere-I'm just down hyw 6
in Guelph I work at the big Chrysler dealer.I was born and raised in Garston,L/pool.This site has been a breath of fresh air and brings back so many good memories.I have been here 20yrs and still hate the winters nice to hear you managed to get away though,anywhere with sun and cheap rum would work for me right now.cheers all the best John.