What's small, pink and sizzles in the summer?
A babycue.
What's small, pink and sizzles in the summer?
A babycue.
My brother received a medal for cooking the best food to go with
pitta bread, unfortunately he died before he could ever accept it.
It was a post hummus award.
An Irish farmer has just grown the first ever field of dildos but he is having a problem getting rid of squatters
Gave my daughter a beautiful teddy bear for her birthday. The wife got two photo frames and a large bunch of flowers....
Living next door to a cemetery does have its advantages sometimes.
I went to a fight in Liverpool yesterday and a wedding broke out.
I've opened a fireworks factory...if the buisnes fails at least I'll go out with a bang.
I've gone and bought an abbatoir with a with a collegue...its a joint venture.
My last husband died suddenly.
After a heart transplant he was told we could have a normal relationship again, as long as he took things steady.
We discovered that the church bells had an ideal rythmn - slow and steady - so we made love each Sunday morning in time with the bells.
For several months things went well, until the Sunday a fire engine went past...
Nice one guys.
If you kill yourself, it's called suicide. If you kill someone else, it's called homicide. If you kill lots of people, it's called genocide.
So if you only kill scousers, is that called Merseycide?
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
I was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought 'Sod it. I could win that!'
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.
"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Sodding hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my ass?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"
Some random woman stopped me in the street today and started telling me a joke. It had all the ingredients of a good joke: child abuse; incestual rape; tears and suffering; but I didn't understand the punchline. Something about £2 a month?
In town today I saw a toddler running into the road. I acted quickly and ran after him and just managed to stop him before a car hit him. His mum, who was quite fit, came running out of the shop and said, "Thank-you, you are a hero, how can I ever repay you?"
Apparently, after I uttered the word 'blow job' I was no longer considered a hero.
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