whats blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?
a baby with burst arm bands
whats blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?
a baby with burst arm bands
Chester zoo.
Animals born free....
Then caged for our amusement.
Working as a hypotist I was invited to do a gig at a local gay bar. Naturally nervous, I put everybody in a trance, with the ability to make them do whatever I said next.
Stage fright took over, I dropped the microphone on my foot and shouted 'Bugger me!'
What happened next will stay with me for the rest of my life.
Was chatting up a girl last night in a bar I told her i was from liverpool and then explained what a scouser was She said she was from the Yukon I said REALLY she said yes.......................................... Yukon ****off
NEW ELDERLY CARE PROGRAMME OFFERS HOPE
The Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing years. It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand.
Join the new free care plan today. If you are 60 years or older, you can apply. All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.
You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England ), one MSP, one councillor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the world could do without.
As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure of being caught, and, in due course, sent to prison.
There you will get a safe centrally heated environment, three meals a day, lots of company, free TV and an assortment of games, plus - most importantly - all the health care you need!
New teeth needed? No problem.
New glasses? They'll be provided.
New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart?* They're all covered too.
And who will pay for all of this? The same government that told you they cannot afford your current health care.
And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax anymore.
Britain . A GREAT country or what?
I paid £10 to see an opera show last night and about five minutes into it one of the performers dropped down dead.
So that was a waste of a tenor.
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!
(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?
2) Which country makes Panama hats ?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?
7) What was King George VI's first name ?
8) What color is a purple finch ?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?
Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.
ANSWERS
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ?
116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats ?
Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?
Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?
November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?
Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?
Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name ?
Albert
8) What color is a purple finch ?
Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?
New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?
Orange (of course!)
What do you mean, you failed?!!
I was at a party last night and the DJ played that James song 'oh sit down',so we all sat down.
Then he played 'jump around' so we did.
He Then played 'come on Eileen'
I got kicked out.
www.livewiredancestudio.com 77 Renshaw St.
I was driving down the M62 with my girlfriend and she said ,"I think those people in the next car are from Wales".
"Why is that?",I asked.
"Well the kids are writing on the window and it says,'stit ruoy su wohs'.
www.livewiredancestudio.com 77 Renshaw St.
An explanation of the F word.
If easily offended, don't follow the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q23so...eature=related
I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said, "I think my c*ck tastes funny..."
I screwed a fat chick in an lift last night.
It was wrong on so many levels
Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying.
I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.
They call losing on the weakest link the walk of shame? Try walking down the road from a fat birds house on a packed council estate and she follows you out and shouts - "Hey Mr. Lover - Ya forgot your boxer's. Fat sodding get, show's me up like that again and I'll never ring her again when I'm p*ssed and desperate.
You have no idea how much I censor these gags...
I saw a nun walking over a frozen pond yesterday then to my horror she fell through the ice. I ran over to help and as she put out her hand for me to grab I realised it wasn't a nun it was a Muslim woman in burka. I wonder if she managed to get herself out.
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