I come from a long line of Conga dancers.
I come from a long line of Conga dancers.
Historians have discovered that human rights activist Malcolm X was actually just called Malcolm, but he was rather affectionate at the end of his text messages.
The Catholic Church has launched a hotline for victims of sex abuse.
Nice try, Church, but one already exists. It's called "The Police".
Hi, I sent these to Ged and he suggested that I share them with you, ....................was he right???
Ha, nice one Brian.
got told today i got french blood.....................................luckily it was on my bumper
put my clock back this morning..........................put it back 20 years to when scumchester in second division
FEMALE COMPASSION
(The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!)
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said ' Have you ever had a hug? '
The man said ' No, ' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, ' Have you ever had a kiss? '
The man said, ' No, ' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, ' Have you ever been screwed? '
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, ' No. '
She said, ' You will be when the tide comes in. '
I seen a very good joke written on a yellow sticky note.
Do you think I should post-it?
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember anything I say to people.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest one day when a genie suddenly appears.
He offers them both 3 wishes providing they leave each other alone, to which they aggree.
He asks the bear for his 1st wish.
The bear wishes for every other bear on the land to be female.
The genie grants him that wish
He asks the rabbit what his 1st wish is.
The rabbit wishes for a leather jacket & helmet. The genie grants him the wish.
He asks the bear for his 2nd wish.
The bear asks for every other bear on the continent to be female.
He gets his wish.
He asks the rabbit for his 2nd wish.
The rabbit wishes for a Harley Davidson motorcycle.
He gets his wish.
The genie asks the bear for his 3rd & final wish, & to choose it wiseley.
The bear asks for every other bear in the whole world to be female.
The genie grants it him & now he's the only male bear.
The rabbit starts his Harley Davidson & revs it up when the genie asks him for his 3rd & final wish, & for him to also choose wisely.
The rabbit revs the engine & says before riding off, "I want the bear to be gay!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The barman says to him "I've got a challenge for you and if you win you get free drinks all night, but if you lose you have to buy everyone in the bar a drink."
The man says "So whats the challenge then?"
The barman take him through to the back room and says to him "Do you see that meat up there, all you have to do is jump and get the meat down in one go, its pretty easy don't you think?"
The man [...]
Reveal the rest of this joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The barman says to him "I've got a challenge for you and if you win you get free drinks all night, but if you lose you have to buy everyone in the bar a drink."
The man says "So whats the challenge then?"
The barman take him through to the back room and says to him "Do you see that meat up there, all you have to do is jump and get the meat down in one go, its pretty easy don't you think?"
The man steps back and has a long look and after a while he says "Sorry I'm not going to do it. The steaks are too high."
I was presented with the key to the city today; but seeing as it's Liverpool, I'm being given a coat hanger.
Piers Morgan said on saturday that Chandi is the most talented dog they've ever had on Britain's Got Talent.
Susan Boyle is said to be furious.
As I posted my sister's birthday card yesterday, I thought, what a waste of £1.50...
But sod the expense, you never know when you'll need a kidney!
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...
Today you voted.'
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