Bobs' Funnies,for the jokes both old and new

**kevin** · 11-26-2009

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland.

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE . . . WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE . . . NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.

**ItsaZappathing** · 11-26-2009

1- I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack ..... she hasn't even got a car.

2- A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.

"Holy s***", she screams, "and YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

3- Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry
me?". The girl said, "No", and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.

4- Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to' Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

5- Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

6- Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

7- I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, "I'm having that!"

8- Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"

The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b*stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

9- Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.

Paddy says, "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her."

Operator, "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"

CLICK,BANG.

Paddy, "OK, done that, what next?

**pablo42** · 11-26-2009

Love 'em guys. Funny as hell.

**kevin** · 12-18-2009

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied the gentleman.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

**kevin** · 02-24-2010

Forty people reportedly stuck to the platform at Dublin railway station today after Irish Muslims set off a No More Nails bomb...

**Oddsocks** · 03-30-2010

This should be safe.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin - in every way'.

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!'

**captain kong** · 03-30-2010

cant beat the old ones Oddsocks.

**GNASHER** · 03-30-2010

Tiger Woods,Ashley Cole,John Terry,Vernon Kay and Mark Owen.
What have they all got in common?

Wives who obviously need to make more of an effort !!

**lindac8941** · 03-30-2010

A man walks into a psychiatrists with a fried egg on his head. The psychiatrist says "Why have you got a boiled egg on your head?" The man replied "Because a boiled one would roll off"

**pablo42** · 03-30-2010

Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for Â£100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Paddy replied,
'Well,then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Paddy said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked,
'What are ya gonna do with him?
Paddy said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said,
'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Paddy said,
'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at Â£2 a piece and made a profit of Â£898.00.'

The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two quid back.'

**gynsman** · 03-30-2010

Guy looks out of his window and sees his son unloading a couple of armchairs and a sofa out of a van.
"Where'd you get them from lad???" he asked.
"Some bloke said I could have them" the son replied.
The Dad blew his top and shouts "What have I told you about taking suites off strangers"

**kevin** · 03-30-2010

Originally Posted by gynsman

Guy looks out of his window and sees his son unloading a couple of armchairs and a sofa out of a van.
"Where'd you get them from lad???" he asked.
"Some bloke said I could have them" the son replied.
The Dad blew his top and shouts "What have I told you about taking suites off strangers"

Love it.

**gynsman** · 03-30-2010

Read in the Echo about Allerton Police station being broken into and 5 toilets being nicked.
When the Echo reporter asked the desk Sergeant if they had any idea who the culprit was he Sergeant replied "No. We've got nothing to go on".

**lindac8941** · 03-30-2010

St Peter is stood at the gates of Heaven When 3 Scousers walk up to him. " Can we come in Lar ?" Asks one of the Scousers. "I am not sure" says St Peter, "I ll have to go and check with God, You have been good tho havent you?" He asks. "Yer Lar" one of them replied. "Wait here then" said St Peter, and off he went to see God. "There are 3 scousers God, Who want to come into the Kingdom of Heaven, they say they have been good, shall we let them in?" "If they have been good, well yes they can enter the Kingdom of Heaven" replied God. So off St Peter goes to tell the 3 Scousers the good news. All of a sudden God sees St Peter running towards him shouting "They`ve gone! They`ve gone!" "Who,The Scousers?" asks God "No the Gates" replies St Peter.