Bobs' Funnies,for the jokes both old and new

[kevin]

A variation on an old one I've seen before:

A lawyer and a Scouser are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that the Liverpool folk are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Scouser would like to play a fun game.

The Scouser is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only ?5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you ?500, he says. This catches the Scouser's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Scouser doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Scouser's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Scouser and hands him ?500. The Scouser pockets the ?500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scouser up again and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'



The Scouser reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer ?5 and goes back to sleep.



Don't mess with the Mersey folk!

[kevin]

Trafalgar ? If It Had Happened This Year

The Battle of Trafalgar, the setting is the eve of battle . . .

?Order the signal Hardy?
?Aye, aye sir?
?Hold on that?s not what I dictated to the Signals Officer What?s the meaning of this??
?Sorry sir??
?England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobblededook is this??
?Admiralty policy I?m afraid sir. We?re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil?s own job getting ?England? past the censors, lest it be considered racist?.
?Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and baccy?
?Sorry sir. All Naval vessels have been designated smoke free working environments.?
?In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle?
?The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It?s part of the Government?s policy on binge drinking?.
?Good heavens, Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead?
?I think you will find there is a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water?
?**** it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow?s nest please.?
?That won?t be possible sir?
?What??
?Health and Safety have closed the crows nest, sir. No harness and they said the rope ladder doesn?t meet regulations. They won?t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected?
?Then get me the ship?s carpenter without delay, Hardy?
? He?s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo?c?sle, Admiral?
?Wheelchair access? I?ve never heard anything so absurd?
?Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled?
?Differently abled? I?ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn?t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card?.
?Actually sir you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency?.
?Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons?.
?A couple of problems there too sir. Health and Safety won?t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. Also they do not want anyone breathing in too much salt ? haven?t you seen the adverts??
?I?ve never heard such infamy. Break out the canon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy?.
?The men are a bit worried at shooting anyone, Admiral?.
?What? This is mutiny!?
?It?s not that sir. It is that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There?s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks?.
?Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish??
?Actually, Sir, we are not. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn?t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation?.
?But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil?.
?I wouldn?t let the ship?s Diversity Coordinator hear you say that sir. You will be up on a disciplinary?.
?You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King?
?Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar, it?s the rules?.
?Don?t tell me Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash??
?As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there?s a ban on corporal punishment?
?What about sodomy?
?I believe it?s to be encouraged, sir?
?Then kiss me Hardy?

[captain kong]

Very good Kevin, but mind `They` will be after you.

Yesterdays news,.....
Scotland Yard are advertising for Body gUards for HM Queen Elizabeth.
The must include, Lesbians, Gays, Trans sexuals, trans genders and ethnic minorities.

Un* ******believable.

What is an `Gay` guard going to do if the Queen is attacked by a terrorist?? Hit him with his handbag?. Tho` I have seen a few butch dykes who would scare me to death.
There are a few ethnic minority Afghans in Calais may apply for the job
The Nation has gone mad, the Lunatics have taken over the Asylum.

[kevin]

Yesterdays news,.....
Scotland Yard are advertising for Body gUards for HM Queen Elizabeth.
The must include, Lesbians, Gays, Trans sexuals, trans genders and ethnic minorities.

If some of the stories coming out of BuckPal over the years are to be believed, the above lot will blend straight in the the Queen's household!

[brian daley]

Kevin, that Trafalgar joke is very near the truth,remember the Royal Navy's run in with the Iranians. The P.C. brigade have managed to do to us what Johnny Foriegner has tried ,and failed, to do for years. We are well and truly up the Khyber.
BrianD

[M6AJJ]

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[captain kong]

My local pub is best

'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's.
Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much
that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'
'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the
barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'
'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin
there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the
place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs
and see that you get laid. All on the house.'
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's
claims, but he swears every word is true.
'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'
'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman,
'But it did happen to me sister.'

[captain kong]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single
day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come
nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad
times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When
my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were
by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You
know what?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with warmth.
'I think you're bad luck...get away from me!'

[M6AJJ]

Nice one, I like it.

[wsteve55]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single
day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come
nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad
times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When
my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were
by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You
know what?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with warmth.
'I think you're bad luck...get away from me!'

Ha,Ha, know the feeling!

[kevin]

Counselling Southern Style

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,
"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - - - -
women like that are hard to find."

[captain kong]

A Lawyer boarded a plane in New Orleans with a box of Frozen Crab and asked a blonde Stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crews refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responcible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a haughty maner that he was a Lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she lets them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed at his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin.
"Would the gentleman who gave me the Crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?."
Not one hand went up,.. so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:.....
1. Lawyers aren`t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren`t always as dumb as they look.

[essexscouse]

I phoned a mate to see what he was doing maybe fancy a pint he said
sorry mate i got to change a light bulb................. he has only got one arm so i said thats going to be a bit tricky for you .................................................. .......he said no prob
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
i still got the receipt

[captain kong]

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... So, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's **** near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

****************************************

[captain kong]

Better than a Flu Shot!
> >>
> >> _
> >>
> >> Miss Beatrice,
> >>
> >> The church organist,
> >>
> >> Was in her eighties
> >>
> >> And had never been married.
> >>
> >> She was admired for her sweetness
> >> And kindness to all.
> >> One afternoon the vicar
> >>
> >> Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
> >> sitting room.
> >>
> >> She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
> >> As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
> >>
> >> The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on
> >> top of it.
> >>
> >> The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of
> >> all things, a condom!
> >> When she returned
> >>
> >> With tea and scones,
> >>
> >> They began to chat.
> >> The vicar tried to stifle his curiosity
> >> about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it
> >> got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
> >> 'Miss Beatrice', he said,
> >>
> >> 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
> >>
> >> Pointing to the bowl.
> >> 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
> >>
> >> I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found
> >> this little package on the ground.
> >>
> >> The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet
> >> and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know
> >> I haven't had the flu All winter.'// //