Bobs' Funnies,for the jokes both old and new

[roccija]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

Bob F

[captain kong]

nother good one Bob.
cheers.

[roccija]

A few smiles to help make your day !!

Subject: Fw: Grandparents

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye!!


2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'


3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied.


6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'


7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

8. When my grandson and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'Mine says I'm four to six.'

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? ''It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'



11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'

12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'He's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants!





WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.


They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'



They don't say, 'Hurry up.'



They wear glasses and funny underwear.


They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'


When they read to us, they don't skip.



They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.


Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.


They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.


Bob F

[captain kong]

Good ones Bob, I can identify with those.

[roccija]

Tree Huggers

The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was
responsible for getting horses banned from National

Parks & State Forests, was climbing a big tree

to have a look out over the forestry when an Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree,

getting many splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts.

In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest Doctor,

told him, she was an environmentalist, and how she got

all the splinters. The Doctor listened with great patience

and then told her to go into the examining room and

he would see if he could help her.

She waited for three hours before the Doctor

reappeared.

The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?"

He smiled andthen told her: "Well, I had to get permits from

the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service,

National Parks and Wildlife Service, Country Fire Authority, and

Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove

"Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area.........I am sorry

but they turned me down."

Bob F: handclap:

[roccija]

An oldie, but still good for a smile or two !!!

The Scottish Golfer

An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandad's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'


'Who said he wanted to?'

Bob F: handclap:

[captain kong]

Fantastically funny again Bob, keeps us all happy.
I am going to take up golf and have a dram of whisky instead of a tot of Rum.

[roccija]

:

Crisco
A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco,

?Crissssssscoooo!'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says,

'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.



The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.

I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished.

'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no.

I only call her that when we're out in public.'


'I see,' said the clerk.

'What do you call her at home?'




'Lard ass.' !!!!!


Bob F

[roccija]

TWISTED THOUGHTS

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf..


In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana ,


Bob F

[captain kong]

More good ones Bob, I think I am like some of them.

[roccija]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT ..
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

Bob F

[captain kong]

Gones again Bob . I can identify with all those.
Cheers.

[Tabnab]

I am no computer techie so can I add this to the list !

18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which I
had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try
and
run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left
a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several
weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other,
they
caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this
product

soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically
stored in
Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months
later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and
can,
without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products
have no
Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs
to be
reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child
processes
that drain my resources. These
conflict with some of the new games I
wanted
to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my MX5 hard drive, it often
crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called
MotherInLaw,
which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.

Any ideas?

[clancy]

i have the same problem pluss mine has frozen

[M6AJJ]

Your'e lucky, mine's still alive and kicking!