Bobs' Funnies,for the jokes both old and new

[brian daley]

B rilliant as always Bob,keep 'em rolling it's good to start the day with a laugh,
BrianD

[roccija]

Older Women Are So Reasonable

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "FORTY-FOUR YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 69-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES!!!!!.

Bob F .

[wsteve55]

Ha,Ha,
a real catch 22!

[Tabnab]

The first man married a woman from Ireland . He told her that
she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a
couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a
clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from England . He gave
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes
and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and
there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered
her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second
day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of
his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could
fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[roccija]

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be ***cked if he needed glasses".


Bob F

[roccija]

A rabbi's son had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father about use of the family car.

His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father about his use of the car. The rabbi said, "Son, I am very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The Rabbi said, "Yes, and wherever they went, they walked."

Bob F

[roccija]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.



We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his f***ing forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. !!!

Bob F

[roccija]

(An oldie, but goodie"!!)

Subject: the marriage


A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along..'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey !!!!!

Bob F

[roccija]

WHITE LIE CAKE

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of those who bake for church events.



Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, & helping her son pack for Scout camp.


When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.'


This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.


Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.


Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.


When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.


Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.


The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.



The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and,to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!


She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, 'What a beautiful cake!'


Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, 'Thank you, I baked it myself.'


Alice smiled and thought to herself, 'God is good.'



Bob F

[roccija]

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people
>> are flying with you?"
>>
>> Paddy replies "I dont know! Its your ****ing plane!!"

------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
> servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
> death trap!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "Im
>> gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!"
>>
>> He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
>> I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
>>
>> The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
>>
>> Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
>>
>> "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
>>
>> "I cant work in the friggin dark! " says Murphy.
>>

-------------------------------------------------------

You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a
> light switch away!

---------------------------------------------------------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath
> beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which
> point Paddy said "I dont think thats her, she wasnt that tall!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like
> mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" & storms off.
>
> He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks "What did you do?"
>
> Paddy replies "Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they

---------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
> "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didnt even know they had mobile phones

---------------------------------------------------------------

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say
> "Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!"
>
> Paddy says "Whats his name?"
>
> Mick replies "Miles from London!

---------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &
> stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts "Its thick c**ts like
> you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the ****
> out of you if I could swim!"


Bob F

[roccija]

Sunday smile !!

Subject: Blind People

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's

birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says,'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?' He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on
the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale
this week for only $20.00.'


It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter', she says. I'll take it!' As she opens her
purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 'Oh, that sounds like a
Master Card,' he sez.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that
she was the only person around.


The clerk rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the

rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.

Bob F

[roccija]

Some good Irish jokes to give you a smile or two !!!!!

Subject: Irish stuff

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at
the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five finish playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got to
tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me..'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the
door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is
afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher..

-------


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a
sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised,
and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.


'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.


'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible licking' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended
yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's bosom,
and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

----
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver,
'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a
few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and
folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections
back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there,
I thought I'd gone deaf.'

------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night.'


The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that ****
gun...'


Bob F

[roccija]

BLONDE PAINTER

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.

So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

You'll love this .

Yep... I know you will . .

^
^
^
^
^


'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS' !!!!!!!


Bob F

[roccija]

Stay !!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Local Shopping Centre and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.

I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,


'Why don't you just put it in park ?

Bob F

[roccija]

OLD COUPLE Engagement

Jimmy, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida ,
are all excited about their decision to get married. They
Go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they
Pass a
Drugstore. Jimmy suggests they go in.

*Jimmy addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

*Jimmy: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart
Medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

*Jimmy: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "

*Jimmy: "
Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

*Jimmy: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

*Jimmy: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and
Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

*Jimmy: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

*Jimmy: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."

*Jimmy: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and
Sizes."

*Jimmy: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."


**Jimmy: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry." !!!!

Bob F