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Thread: Bobs' Funnies,for the jokes both old and new

  1. #181
    Senior Member kevin's Avatar
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    An old Louisiana farmer had a large pond near his barn. It was great for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple trees.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some apples.

    As he neared the pond, he heard
    voices shouting and laughing with glee.

    As he came closer, he saw it was a
    bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

    He made the women aware of his
    presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him,
    'we're not coming out until you leave!'

    The old man frowned, 'I didn't come
    down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'
    Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator....'

    Some old men can still think fast.

  2. #182
    Senior Member brian daley's Avatar
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    He was my kind of guy Kevin!
    BrianD

  3. #183
    Senior Member kevin's Avatar
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    Horse Riding Blonde:

    A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

    It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

    Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the K-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

  4. #184
    Member bangorreg's Avatar
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    Default How to Shower Woman vs Men

    thaithyme

  5. #185
    Keeping It Real !!!!!!!!! ItsaZappathing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bangorreg View Post
    LOL,very good that. I thought It was just me that showered like that.

  6. #186
    Member bangorreg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ItsaZappathing View Post
    LOL,very good that. I thought It was just me that showered like that.
    Hi ItsaZappathing.
    A little bird told me it was "Captain Kong"?
    Reg.
    thaithyme

  7. #187
    Captain Kong captain kong's Avatar
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    Reg,
    I have never adjusted my breasts, nor have I showered and shampooed with corriander and cucumber, or passion fruit, grape fruit and apricot.
    I may have shaved under my arms and legs, but that was quite a while ago.

  8. #188
    Senior Member kevin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by captain kong View Post
    I may have shaved under my arms and legs, but that was quite a while ago.
    Until you discovered immac?

  9. #189
    Senior Member kevin's Avatar
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    Love it
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version. 

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  10. #190
    Keeping It Real !!!!!!!!! ItsaZappathing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bangorreg View Post
    Hi ItsaZappathing.
    A little bird told me it was "Captain Kong"?
    Reg.
    I believe ya mate

    Kevin....Nice one. Love it too

  11. #191
    Member bangorreg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by captain kong View Post
    Reg,
    I have never adjusted my breasts, nor have I showered and shampooed with corriander and cucumber, or passion fruit, grape fruit and apricot.
    I may have shaved under my arms and legs, but that was quite a while ago.
    "captain smelly "
    An derogatory term, can be used in any situation. Generally doesn't carry much offence, but can be used specifically if one has "let hair grow long ie- under arms and between legs" .
    Reg.
    thaithyme

  12. #192
    Senior Member kevin's Avatar
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    A duck hunter is out enjoying a nice morning on the marshes when he decides to take a leak. He walks over to a tree and props up his gun.

    Just as he gets the old fella out, a gust of wind blows, the gun falls over, and shoots him in the genitals.

    Several hours later, he wakes up lying in a hospital bed and he is approached by the doctor, who says to him, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin area, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the gunshot."

    "What's the bad news?" asks the hunter.

    "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive gunshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

    "Well I suppose that's not too bad," says the hunter, "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

    "Not exactly, she's a flute player with The London Philharmonic, she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't **** in your eye."

  13. #193
    Senior Member brian daley's Avatar
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    Kevin,
    I laughed out loud at that,unfortunately my neighbour was in the room talking to my wife at the time,she was just telling her that hr husband had passed away. I should have the stitches out by next week.......................
    BrianD

  14. #194
    Senior Member edwardo's Avatar
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    a man go's into see about a willy lenghening job and is told"there is a new prosedier now that allows
    a baby eliphants trunk to be used if that would would do.So yea that would be great.

    after the opp and all is heald and working he go's for a look in the market and as he looks at the fruit stall
    the trunk comes out of his pants and grabs an apple then back in his pants.the woman on the stall smiles at him and asks
    was that your john tommas that did that.yes i'm sorry i'll pay for the apple,No No she said can you do it again.
    well it sure could but he was not sure if my bum would take an other apple.


  15. #195
    Senior Member kevin's Avatar
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    Some of these are rude and not particularly PC, but who cares.
    Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time.
    The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day"
    the boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'

    Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.
    They didn't get any of my jokes but they still ****ed themselves.

    What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the ****oris?
    The wife.

    Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f****ing mates with you'

    I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

    Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'
    Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy says '
    Yes, they don't f*ck about at the crematorium.'

    A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said ' How can you tell the difference?' He said ' Her brother has got a moustache".

    Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'

    A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'

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