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Thread: Bobs' Funnies,for the jokes both old and new

  1. #421
    Pablo42 pablo42's Avatar
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    Was in the taxi last night/early this morning coming back from Whitehaven. It took me until I was well on my way home to realize that I didn't have the money to pay the driver, so when we pulled up I opened the door and legged it. The driver shouted after me 'I will get my revenge!'.

    Oh, how i laughed.

  2. #422
    Pablo42 pablo42's Avatar
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    Germany wins Eurovision then four days later an old WWII bomb explodes "unexpectedly".

    Carlsberg don't do timely reminders, but if they did....


    ADVERTISING



  3. #423
    Pablo42 pablo42's Avatar
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    A man sits next to a guy with a dog on a plane and asks him "Is he a guide dog"? "No i am a drugs officer, he's a sniffer dog, watch this" and says to the dog "Search" The dog goes off and comes back and puts 1 paw on his lap "Heroin" the drug officer says and makes a note of the passenger. The dog runs off and comes back again and puts 2 paws on his lap. "Coke" the drug officer says. The dog runs off and comes back again and sh1ts all over the seat. "What's that then"? the first man asks. The drugs officer replies "he's found a sodding bomb!!!!"

  4. #424
    essexscouse essexscouse's Avatar
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    Suggested to the wife she might like to shave downstairs................................she blocked the sink but at least her moustache has gone

  5. #425
    Came fourth...now what? Oudeis's Avatar
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    Man phones doctor concerned about the hearing of his pensioner wife.
    Doc, says perform short test. Outside the house ask, in a normal voice, "What's for tea?" If no response go closer to the house, into the house, into the kitchen all the time testing.
    Man asks and asks again...no response.
    Finally he walks up behind his wife and asks again...

    His wife turns round and says...

    "For the fourth bleedin' time CHICKEN!!"

  6. #426
    essexscouse essexscouse's Avatar
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    Old man goes to Docs concerned about his hearing going and coming back at different times Doc says describe the symptoms Man says well Marge has got blue hair

  7. #427
    Senior Member John Doh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pablo42 View Post
    Was in the taxi last night/early this morning coming back from Whitehaven. It took me until I was well on my way home to realize that I didn't have the money to pay the driver, so when we pulled up I opened the door and legged it. The driver shouted after me 'I will get my revenge!'.

    Oh, how i laughed.
    I seem to remember it was only a few days ago that you were suggesting that we all thought carefully before posting anything. You may have laughed, but can I suggest it was because you didn't put yourself in the shoes of anyone affected by the events in Cumbria before posting this 'funny' story...

  8. #428
    Senior Member GNASHER's Avatar
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    John Doh,f**k off to another forum or stop trying to stir sh1t here.

  9. #429
    Senior Member John Doh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GNASHER View Post
    John Doh,f**k off to another forum or stop trying to stir sh1t here.
    I'm not wishing to stir anything - but was hoping that, following Kev's intervention, we might have buried some of the sh1t. I certainly don't want to see it all starting again. I can indulge in black humour myself, but just find that particular example a bit insensitive - and it's as if Pablo feels the need to see how far he can go. I know I'm not the only one who finds that a bit tedious. Tell me do you find that 'joke' funny?

  10. #430
    Senior Member GNASHER's Avatar
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    Yes and the 6 other ones I got by text.

  11. #431
    Senior Member GNASHER's Avatar
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    This new tory gov is not working for jobs.Since it came in,3 prostitutes have been axed in Bradford and now 12 people have got the bullet in Cumbria.

  12. #432
    Senior Member GNASHER's Avatar
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    B & B from 6 a night,get pi55ed up and ride on some of the worlds best rollercoasters before taking in the match,guaranteed 3 points for your team and countless drunken slappers out on the town after the game.........





    Carlsberg don't do away games but the PremierLeague does...welcome to Blackpool.

  13. #433
    Liverpool New Yorker! Ronijayne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by essexscouse View Post
    Old man goes to Docs concerned about his hearing going and coming back at different times Doc says describe the symptoms Man says well Marge has got blue hair
    I don't get it
    Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

  14. #434
    Liverpool New Yorker! Ronijayne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GNASHER View Post
    This new tory gov is not working for jobs.Since it came in,3 prostitutes have been axed in Bradford and now 12 people have got the bullet in Cumbria.
    Bad taste!
    Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

  15. #435
    George
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    John Doh,f**k off to another forum or stop trying to stir sh1t here.
    He has a right to his opinions just like you.

  16. #436
    Senior Member GNASHER's Avatar
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    Yes he has but if I don't agree with it can't I post my opinion ?

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    Senior Member GNASHER's Avatar
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    See new post on the Rafa thread,can't be arsed posting it again.

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    Pablo42 pablo42's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by John Doh View Post
    I seem to remember it was only a few days ago that you were suggesting that we all thought carefully before posting anything. You may have laughed, but can I suggest it was because you didn't put yourself in the shoes of anyone affected by the events in Cumbria before posting this 'funny' story...
    Ha, funny thing is though John, I done these things. I never watched them on the news and tutted. I was there. When you've been under fire, come back and we'll speak...

  19. #439
    Pablo42 pablo42's Avatar
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    Nice one Gash. Love 'em...

  20. #440
    Senior Member kevin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ronijayne View Post
    I don't get it
    Symptoms : Simpsons

  21. #441
    Liverpool New Yorker! Ronijayne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kevin View Post
    Symptoms : Simpsons
    Oh Yes!! I have never seen the Simpsons and never will, I grab the remote as soon as I hear the music but I did of course know one of them has blue hair!! *tsk
    Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

  22. #442
    Senior Member Lil V's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GNASHER View Post
    Yes he has but if I don't agree with it can't I post my opinion ?
    Yes, but your opinion might count for more if you gave reasons instead of abuse.

  23. #443
    Senior Member suzi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lil V View Post
    Yes, but your opinion might count for more if you gave reasons instead of abuse.
    Lighten up Lil, why do you come on the joke thread when it's clear you have no sense of humour.

  24. #444
    Liverpool New Yorker! Ronijayne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by suzi View Post
    Lighten up Lil, why do you come on the joke thread when it's clear you have no sense of humour.
    I think Lil is making the point that laughing about people who were just recently murdered is not considered humorous by most people. The' jokes 'that were put on forums right after 9-11 did not seem funny to a friend of mine who's only son (only child) was blown up there two months after her husband died of cancer.

    The people who just had their loved ones randomly shot in the UK are in such pain, it seems so wrong. IMO
    Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

  25. #445
    George
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    A South African woodworker is applying for a job and must answer three questions!
    Here's your first question," the foreman said.
    "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
    "Without numbers?" The woodworker says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
    "What's this?" the foreman asks.
    "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the woodworker.
    "Fair enough," says the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
    The woodworker stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go."
    The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?
    " Each of da trees is dirty now ! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
    The foreman is getting worried he's going to have to hire this fellow, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.
    " The woodworker stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, Ere you go. One hundred."
    The foreman looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!
    " The woodworker leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when I start?"

  26. #446
    Newbie SmokeyMo's's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by suzi View Post
    Lighten up Lil, why do you come on the joke thread when it's clear you have no sense of humour.
    Is THAT you're brand of humour then ? Laughing at something that has just happened in Cumbria ?
    It is YOU that is without humour , either that , or you are far to insensitive , ignorant , or both ! To understand a bad taste so called 'joke' when you see it .
    Or could it be that you don't even bother to READ threads here , you just jump in to defend a mate ?
    The Salvador Dali Lama

  27. #447
    Senior Member John Doh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pablo42 View Post
    Ha, funny thing is though John, I done these things. I never watched them on the news and tutted. I was there. When you've been under fire, come back and we'll speak...
    I could just ignore this in order to preserve the new-found relative tranquillity on the site, but this is obviously an issue that continues to trouble you, so can you explain in more detail, please? One reading of this might be that, in order properly to appreciate tired old racist/ sexist/ plain sick jokes, it is necessary to undergo an ordeal by fire. Is your argument that humour - any humour - helps you to cope? Or is it that the experience of war has caused you to become desensitised to humanitarian issues? Either way, I can only be glad that I have escaped such a traumatic experience, even if it's left me without an ability to appreciate such 'humour'.

  28. #448
    Senior Member GNASHER's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lil V View Post
    Yes, but your opinion might count for more if you gave reasons instead of abuse.
    Abuse? He/she only posts to start sh1t. Reasons ? look at all his/her posts.

  29. #449
    Senior Member GNASHER's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by John Doh View Post
    I could just ignore this in order to preserve the new-found relative tranquillity on the site, but this is obviously an issue that continues to trouble you, so can you explain in more detail, please? One reading of this might be that, in order properly to appreciate tired old racist/ sexist/ plain sick jokes, it is necessary to undergo an ordeal by fire. Is your argument that humour - any humour - helps you to cope? Or is it that the experience of war has caused you to become desensitised to humanitarian issues? Either way, I can only be glad that I have escaped such a traumatic experience, even if it's left me without an ability to appreciate such 'humour'.
    Fu**in' tosser.

  30. #450
    Senior Member John Doh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GNASHER View Post
    Abuse? He/she only posts to start sh1t. Reasons ? look at all his/her posts.
    Please do! And don't just look at them - read them properly. Please let me know if you can point to any instance where I have abused anyone. I admit that I can't guarantee not to have offended someone, but usually it's been when I've spoken out to prevent abuse by others.

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