There's always an element of truth in everything wsteve55.
Here's another that made me chuckle. I hope I can get away with it on here.
Paddys in the pub tellin his mates about the army and his first parachute jump, paddy describes 'we were about 20,000ft up, then 1 by 1 they started to jump,when it was my turn I couldn't jump -no way! Then this huge black guy pulled out his 12 inch knob and cried out 'paddy if you dont feckin jump I'll stick this baby right up your ass. Paddys mate asked 'well did you jump? Paddy replies 'just a bit when it first went in.
I think Gleff Jasse is behind it, he still has`nt learned his lesson.
Three guys braggin about who's got the biggest you know what.
1.guy get his out and slaps it on the table,10"
2.guy get his out and slaps it on the table 12"
3.guy says c'mon and takes em in his car down to the tower restraunt,they get the lift up and 3rd guy opens the window and says to the other two...turn around a minute..they turn around and he drops his trousers and lobs it out the window...ok you can turn around now...they both turn around an watch him bobbing up and down....first guy says,,,what are you doing...3rd guy says...I'm dodging the traffic.
A mother superior of a convent was phoning up to have the office window measured for new blinds and arranged for the fitter to come out and do his work.
two nuns were set the task of painting the hallway to the convent,they were about to start when the mother superior entered the hallway and spoke to the nuns..."I have to go and see the local reverand so if your hear a knock answer the door it will be the blind fitter and nobody else will be calling whilst I'm away".
MS trundles on her way and the nuns are about to start painting but realise it such a large job and the chances are they might get paint on their attire,so they decide to strip naked and paint.
10 minutes into the painting and a knock on the door has them in a fluster "what shall we do says one of the nuns" and the other nun says..."its ok it'll be the blind fitter",the nuns open the door and the fitter is totally shocked! hello he blurts out I've come to measure and fit your blinds.
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road,Paddy see's a shiny flat round object on the pavement and stoops down to pick it up.
See's a clasp on the center and pops it open and was confronted with a picture of a bloke..paddy starts scratchin his head and murmers "I'm sure I know that bloke from somewhere? Mick sidles up to Paddy and ask him "what ya got there my moit" its a womans compact with a pic of some guy I definatly know but just cannot place where I've seen him before says Paddy.
Give it here says Mick and he has a look...looks at Paddy and blurts..."Its me ya daft sod".
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Kopng..... kindly leave the stage!!!!!!
Last edited by captain kong; 08-18-2009 at 11:06 PM.
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've
got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is
going to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my
all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt
still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.
Good one Kevin
Is sex work?
A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain
decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it
A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.
An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge
of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the Navy sailor.
another good one Kevin
A variation on an old one I've seen before:
A lawyer and a Scouser are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that the Liverpool folk are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Scouser would like to play a fun game.
The Scouser is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only ?5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you ?500, he says. This catches the Scouser's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Scouser doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Scouser's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Scouser and hands him ?500. The Scouser pockets the ?500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scouser up again and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Scouser reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer ?5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with the Mersey folk!
Trafalgar ? If It Had Happened This Year
The Battle of Trafalgar, the setting is the eve of battle . . .
?Order the signal Hardy?
?Aye, aye sir?
?Hold on that?s not what I dictated to the Signals Officer What?s the meaning of this??
?England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobblededook is this??
?Admiralty policy I?m afraid sir. We?re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil?s own job getting ?England? past the censors, lest it be considered racist?.
?Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and baccy?
?Sorry sir. All Naval vessels have been designated smoke free working environments.?
?In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle?
?The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It?s part of the Government?s policy on binge drinking?.
?Good heavens, Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead?
?I think you will find there is a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water?
?**** it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow?s nest please.?
?That won?t be possible sir?
?Health and Safety have closed the crows nest, sir. No harness and they said the rope ladder doesn?t meet regulations. They won?t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected?
?Then get me the ship?s carpenter without delay, Hardy?
? He?s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo?c?sle, Admiral?
?Wheelchair access? I?ve never heard anything so absurd?
?Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled?
?Differently abled? I?ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn?t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card?.
?Actually sir you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency?.
?Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons?.
?A couple of problems there too sir. Health and Safety won?t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. Also they do not want anyone breathing in too much salt ? haven?t you seen the adverts??
?I?ve never heard such infamy. Break out the canon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy?.
?The men are a bit worried at shooting anyone, Admiral?.
?What? This is mutiny!?
?It?s not that sir. It is that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There?s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks?.
?Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish??
?Actually, Sir, we are not. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn?t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation?.
?But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil?.
?I wouldn?t let the ship?s Diversity Coordinator hear you say that sir. You will be up on a disciplinary?.
?You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King?
?Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar, it?s the rules?.
?Don?t tell me Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash??
?As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there?s a ban on corporal punishment?
?What about sodomy?
?I believe it?s to be encouraged, sir?
?Then kiss me Hardy?
Very good Kevin, but mind `They` will be after you.
Scotland Yard are advertising for Body gUards for HM Queen Elizabeth.
The must include, Lesbians, Gays, Trans sexuals, trans genders and ethnic minorities.
What is an `Gay` guard going to do if the Queen is attacked by a terrorist?? Hit him with his handbag?. Tho` I have seen a few butch dykes who would scare me to death.
There are a few ethnic minority Afghans in Calais may apply for the job
The Nation has gone mad, the Lunatics have taken over the Asylum.
Kevin, that Trafalgar joke is very near the truth,remember the Royal Navy's run in with the Iranians. The P.C. brigade have managed to do to us what Johnny Foriegner has tried ,and failed, to do for years. We are well and truly up the Khyber.
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
My local pub is best
'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's.
Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much
that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'
'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the
barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'
'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin
there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the
place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs
and see that you get laid. All on the house.'
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's
claims, but he swears every word is true.
'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'
'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman,
'But it did happen to me sister.'
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single
day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come
nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad
times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When
my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were
by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with warmth.
'I think you're bad luck...get away from me!'
Nice one, I like it.
Counselling Southern Style
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,
"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - - - -
women like that are hard to find."
A Lawyer boarded a plane in New Orleans with a box of Frozen Crab and asked a blonde Stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crews refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responcible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a haughty maner that he was a Lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she lets them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed at his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin.
"Would the gentleman who gave me the Crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?."
Not one hand went up,.. so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:.....
1. Lawyers aren`t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren`t always as dumb as they look.
I phoned a mate to see what he was doing maybe fancy a pint he said
sorry mate i got to change a light bulb................. he has only got one arm so i said thats going to be a bit tricky for you .................................................. .......he said no prob
i still got the receipt
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... So, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's **** near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
Better than a Flu Shot!
> >> _
> >> Miss Beatrice,
> >> The church organist,
> >> Was in her eighties
> >> And had never been married.
> >> She was admired for her sweetness
> >> And kindness to all.
> >> One afternoon the vicar
> >> Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
> >> sitting room.
> >> She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
> >> As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
> >> The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on
> >> top of it.
> >> The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of
> >> all things, a condom!
> >> When she returned
> >> With tea and scones,
> >> They began to chat.
> >> The vicar tried to stifle his curiosity
> >> about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it
> >> got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
> >> 'Miss Beatrice', he said,
> >> 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
> >> Pointing to the bowl.
> >> 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
> >> I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found
> >> this little package on the ground.
> >> The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet
> >> and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know
> >> I haven't had the flu All winter.'// //