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Thread: Bobs' Funnies,for the jokes both old and new

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    Senior Member brian daley's Avatar
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    Default Bobs' Funnies,for the jokes both old and new

    Anyone can post here,not too rude though!

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    Senior Member roccija's Avatar
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    An oldie , but goodie !!, to start off the Christmas season !!!.
    2008's First Christmas Joke

    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
    gates.

    'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
    something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

    The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
    lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

    'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

    The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
    keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

    Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

    The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and
    finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
    do those symbolize?'


    The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'

    And So The Christmas Season
    Begins......

    Bob F

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    Senior Member kevin's Avatar
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    A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went.

    The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband

    didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

    So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
    His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

    She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
    After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.


    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

    Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
    He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

    You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

    To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

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    Senior Member roccija's Avatar
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    Default Thursday's Funnies !!


    One or two repeats, but some "goodies" !!

    The Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
    other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
    he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
    'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' He left it where he knew she would find it.
    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
    and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
    see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
    the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


    WIFE VS. HUSBAND

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
    neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
    the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
    'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws


    WOMEN'S REVENGE
    'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
    'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
    'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
    and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root ,
    and still be afraid of a spider.


    W O R D S

    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
    30,000 to a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

    CREATION
    A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
    so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
    ' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

    WHO DOES WHAT
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who
    should brew the coffee each morning.
    The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
    and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
    The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
    you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
    Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
    that the man should do the coffee.'
    Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
    and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

    God may have created man before woman,
    but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

    Bob F

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    Member Ron B Manderson's Avatar
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    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
    Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
    Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a
    little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

    The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

    The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

    The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I
    Need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

    ' OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not
    want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
    bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for
    about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the
    ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

    Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours
    later he staggered back, almost dead.

    'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'

    Ron

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    Member Ron B Manderson's Avatar
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    Subject: New Baby!


    Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
    When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
    A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

    Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
    A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

    'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies .... and yet
    our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!'

    ?Not quite? The nurse says, 'Sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when
    I pull the thermometer out of his bum
    ron

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    Member Ron B Manderson's Avatar
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    Subject: DON'T INTERRUPT


    Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..." At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
    Moral : Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story, after all it can't hurt to listen?

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    Member Ron B Manderson's Avatar
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    >
    > (
    > Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
    > family business.
    >
    > When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
    > died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
    >
    > One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman
    > he had ever seen.
    > Her natural beauty took his breath away.
    >
    > 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few
    > years, my father will
    > die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'
    >
    > Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later,
    > she became his stepmother.
    >
    > Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

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    Senior Member roccija's Avatar
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    Default Another "blonde" joke !!



    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house

    ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

    Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

    Bob F

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    Senior Member roccija's Avatar
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    Default Another "blonde" joke !!



    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
    ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

    Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

    Bob F

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    Senior Member roccija's Avatar
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    Default "Mick and Paddy" !!!



    "Good old Irish "jokes !!

    Paddy & Murphy

    A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

    He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen *****s than let liquor touch my lips!'

    Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

    Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'

    He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

    The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

    Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

    'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

    'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'

    'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

    A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Paddy's chat up lines:

    1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
    2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
    3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
    4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
    5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Everytime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
    6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

    He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

    Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

    She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'

    Paddy says 'What's his name?'

    Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'


    Bob F

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    Senior Member kevin's Avatar
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    Bob,
    I'm amazed that nobody has picked you up on your last selection. I sail very close to the wind with my humour at times but some members on this forum may be very offended by the racial stereotypes who are the focus of many of your jokes.

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    Senior Member roccija's Avatar
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    Kevin;
    The kind of jokes you are referring to have been making the rounds for many, many years,- as you may be aware, - and most likely will continue to do so. Personally, I have heard many jokes about Canadians, but that doesn't bother me one bit, - I take them for what they are, just jokes to bring a smile or two, also about many other people, who also take them for jokes. No
    racial slur or stereotypes was ever intended in my post,- nor will they ever wiil
    be !!!. Incidentally, my very good friend who sent the jokes to me, is Irish !!!!!!!

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    Senior Member kevin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by roccija View Post
    Kevin;
    The kind of jokes you are referring to have been making the rounds for many, many years,- as you may be aware, - and most likely will continue to do so. Personally, I have heard many jokes about Canadians, but that doesn't bother me one bit, - I take them for what they are, just jokes to bring a smile or two, also about many other people, who also take them for jokes. No
    racial slur or stereotypes was ever intended in my post,- nor will they ever wiil
    be !!!. Incidentally, my very good friend who sent the jokes to me, is Irish !!!!!!!

    Sorry Bob - that they've been around for many years doesn't make them right. I'd like to think we've moved on and learnt something. I tell both Scouse and Irish jokes (I'm a mix of the two) but only to people I know well who I know won't be offended. On a forum you don't know who is looking in.
    There's many a joke I tell, both on forums and in real life, that some will find offensive - it's just the racist ones I avoid. Once upon a time I laughed as loud as anybody at them, but over time I've come to appreciate the offense they can cause.

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    Member Ron B Manderson's Avatar
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    well !!
    did you hear about the scotsman.?
    We scots are said to be mean etc. Yet they say more money goes to charity from scots than anyone else.
    Harry lauder made a fortune from the saying that scots are mean.
    But I don't think anyone believes it.

    It'doesn't offend me in the least.
    Of course everyone to their own opinion
    Don't you think things have gone over the top.

    To me , my sister had a" golly ". Me! never once thought it was a coloured person or even a real person. Same as robersons jam cartoon .
    Ron
    Last edited by Ron B Manderson; 11-24-2008 at 06:57 PM.

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