Scouse Humour

It's existed for years! Found this during recent research:

Friday, August 30, 1811

"Gentlemen,
Knowing the great interest you take in all that concerns “the good old town of Liverpool”, I am happy to inform you “exclusively” of the following improvements, which I understand, on very good authority, are speedily to take place.

Lord Street to be narrowed, so that two carriages cannot possibly pass each other. The imminent risk which those run who at present make the attempt, and the daily accidents which occur render this improvement highly necessary. Some persons have advised the Corporation to erect a toll-gate at each end, to increase their funds, but this is not decided upon.

The whole of Castle Street to be occupied as a market place, instead of nine-tenths at present. This will prevent so much crockery being broken and so many basket women lamed –
N.B In consequence of the above improvements, persons in carriages may come up Button Street, through Rainford’s garden, Matthew Street, John Street and Dale Street, to the Town Hall – or any other way they can find.

The buildings on the west side of Castle Street to be brought six yards forward to shew the Town Hall to greater advantage.

When the inhabitants are invited to a Public Meeting at the Town Hall constables to be stationed at the doors, to prevent one person out of three from entering; the courtroom being judiciously calculated to accommodate only a few.

A new Dock to be built at Otter’s Pool for the convenience of the Merchants – this to be a secret till the Corporation and their friends have purchased the land.

The present Docks to be each widened three yards; the expense will be trifling, and each Dock will then contain at least four ships or more.

The Children to go to Chester to be confirmed, there being no Church in Liverpool strong enough to bear a Bishop.

To have two Parish Meetings in the year instead of one; by which means many persons will go to Church twice as often as they do at present, and may by degrees acquire some reverence for the place and refrain from quarreling and blaspheming therein.

All the Town Clocks to strike at different periods, to remind the inhabitants of the lapse of time, and make them punctual in their engagements.

The Common Council to choose the Mayor without troubling the Freemen about it; either by tossing up, drawing cuts or odds-or-even.

Witnesses to be more effectually brow-beaten at our Sessions, to prevent a man’s telling a straight-forward story and to make him swear to more than he knows – N.B It has been suggested to have the rack introduced (against which there is no law, as applied to witness). Mr. **** to be Grand-Inquisitor.

A standing Committee to be appointed to put Ladies out of countenance, as they pass the Athenaeum steps. Non to be eligible but minors and broken-down rakes.

The offices of Physician and Surgeon to the infirmary and Dispensary to be put up at auction. Practitioners of ten years standing and upwards to produce certificates of ability – this to be dispensed with in the case of strangers and young students.

The Ladies and Gentlemen’s Baths to be thrown into one to prevent peeping.

All the Cows within two miles to be driven through the town three times a day instead of twice. If there is a bull with them so much the better.

No Butcher to drive Calves through the streets without three Dogs to each Calf, instead of two as practiced at present. They will pass more quickly along, and by being well blooded the meat will be whiter.

The Gardener at the Mount to shut the Gardens more frequently during the day when people expect to be gratified with a walk therein. By their being more difficult of access, we shall be more sensible of their beauties.

The use of Knowsley Flags to be forbidden as they take from the peculiarity of our foot-pavements which is remarked by all strangers.

Five bells to be rung on Change instead of one; to put an end to impertinent conversation, and send Gentlemen home to their dinners.

The spire of St. Thomas’s Church to be taken down. It is the only thing of the kind in the town, and looks singular.

I hope the above will appear to you to be judicious alterations, and remain yours, & Co.

Christopher Crab”

Ha ha ha, fantastic.

Re: St Thomas Church spire.

The Church was built in 1750 and looked like this:
Attachment 23088 (From Genuki)

A storm blew down this original spire in 1757 and it was replaced with this (taken from 1809):
Attachment 23087 (From williamsontunnels.co.uk)

Eventually in 1822 they got around to making it look this this:
Attachment 23089 (From williamsontunnels.com)

It's great to hear how people back then could be as sarky and as critical of our neighbourhoods as we are today :D