JOKE

[lottie]

THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."


(I love this part)


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[lottie]

>>>SLOW DRIVING HABITS

>>>A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had
>>>held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In
>>>fact, he had never even seen her naked.
>>>
>>>One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow
>>>driving habits.
>>>"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For
>>>every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one
>>>piece of clothing.
>>>
>>>He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
>>>He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
>>>At 60 off came the pants.
>>>At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
>>>
>>>Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he
>>>ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.
>>>He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His
>>>girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free
>>>but alas he was stuck.
>>>
>>>"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to
>>>cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only
>>>reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to
> cover it up,"
>>>he told her.
>>>
>>>So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a
>>>truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled
>>>over to hear her story.
>>>"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull
>>>him out!"
>>>
>>>The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,
>>>"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

[Steven]

OMG ! Lottie

[Steven]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)


The bank manager looks back at her and says....



"It's a knicknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are.....)


Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

[molly]

:handclap::handclap::handclap: Class

[ChrisGeorge]

:handclap: :handclap: :handclap: Ha ha, I like it, Stephen. I'll print it out to give to owld Mum.

Chris

[lottie]

Wherever you may be

The Vain Person - One who loves the smell of his own farts
The Amiable Person - One who loves the smell of other people's farts
The Proud Person - One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine
The Shy Person - One who releases silent farts and then blushes
The Imprudent Person - One who boldly farts out loud and then laughs
The Scientific Person - One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about pollution
The Unfortunate Person – One who tries awfully hard to fart but ****s instead
The Nervous Person – One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person – One who admits he farted and offers a good medical reason
The Dishonest Person – One who farts and then blames the dog
The Foolish Person – One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours
The Thrifty Person – One who always has several food farts in reserve
The Anti-Social Person – One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy
The Strategic Person – One who conceals his farts with loud laughter
The Sadistic Person – One who farts in bed and fluffs the covers over his head
The Intellectual Person – One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food items consumed
The Athletic Person – One who farts at the slightest coercion
The Miserable Person – One who would truly love to, but can't fart at all
The Sensitive Person – One who farts and then starts crying
The Sneaky Person - One who quietly farts and then quickly walks away

[phredd]

Well, Would you ?
Wish it was Blue
:lol:
Phredd