Joke of the day, add as many as you wish but keep them *reasonably* clean.

[Steven]

Baptizing a Drunk



A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon
a
preacher baptizing people in the river.


He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into
the
preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and
dunks
him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

"Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water
again for
a
little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you
found
Jesus
my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
in the

water again -- - but this time holds him down for about 30
seconds and
when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you
found
Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher,





"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


:PDT_Aliboronz_24:

[john]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me”.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry”.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s

[john]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had
a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede,which came in a
little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he
would start off by taking his 100-leg bug to the bar for a drink. So he
asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place
with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He
decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against
the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go
to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
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A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm
putting my shoes on!"
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[john]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic
responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so
he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little
feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help
and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what
she had just witnessed.

He shouldnt have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

[gorgeous]

pmsl . " putting my shoes on "
.

Man sitting reading the paper , when his wife hits him across the head . What was that for " ? She said , " i've found a piece of paper in your pocket with Mary Ellen on, Quick as a flash he replies " oh that was the name of a horse from the races last week .which she accepts . A week later she hits him over the head with a frying pan , He say's " what the hell was that for ? she say's your F***** horse just phoned .

[Steven]

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in
his office wondering what kind of mischief he could
perpetrate against the United States when his telephone
rang.

"Hello, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This
is Paddy from the Harp pub in Sligo - under our flag, I am
ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war
on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important
news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's
calculation,"there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door
neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That
makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one
hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my
command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you ! back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac,
the war is still on. We have
managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm
tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I
have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also,
I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since
we last spoke."



"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back
to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac,
the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves
airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light
with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from
the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat.! "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers
and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by
laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we
last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand
!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring
you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the
mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had
to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a
bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can
feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

[john]

elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with
a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said , she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow
morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that , checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"

[robbo176]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet,
she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support,
she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing,replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
The old woman then asks "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu sssell aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

The old woman asks: "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww tttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

[drone_pilot]

MANDY, PMSL. now i have to go away and get some screen wipes, anyone know anything that will remove Stella from a monitor.

[gorgeous]

oh Robbo . I've got tears rollin down my face , love it .

Ann Summers LTD .
thankyou for your recent order ,you requested the the large red V******* from our window display , Could you please re select as this is our fire extinguisher.

[gorgeous]

A man hears a knock on the door , he looks out & see's a tortoise " can i come in say's the tortoise it's cold out here, The man kicks the poor tortoise down the garden , Three years later there's a knock on the door , it's the tortoise again , He looks at the man & say's What was that for !!

[Steven]

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/biglaugh.gif

Keep 'em coming, it's good to laugh.

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/biglaugh.gifhttp://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/biglaugh.gif

[Steven]

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in
his office wondering what kind of mischief he could
perpetrate against the United States when his telephone
rang.

"Hello, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This
is Paddy from the Harp pub in Sligo - under our flag, I am
ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war
on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important
news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's
calculation,"there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door
neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That
makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one
hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my
command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you ! back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac,
the war is still on. We have
managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm
tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I
have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also,
I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since
we last spoke."



"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back
to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac,
the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves
airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light
with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from
the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat.! "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers
and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by
laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we
last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand
!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring
you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the
mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had
to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a
bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can
feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

:)

[john]

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what was wrong, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem.

On she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her breasts and crotch.

The woman instantly shut up and sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "There- that's what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays? No way - I play golf".....

[MarkA]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads
to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just
buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
"Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least
that b!tch knows I'm smarter than her.

[iain]

Mark: that was superb :handclap: :PDT11

[Steven]

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/RollingaboutGif.gif

Cracker

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/RollingaboutGif.gif

[drone_pilot]

SUCCESS:

At age 04 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

[chippie]

Mark, Droney, smashing keep them coming, we could all do with a laugh first thing in the morning, AND, if you go to work and tell the joke, you,ll be in fine fettle all day.:)

[lottie]

An Irish family have been found dead outside the Dublin Odeon. They had been queueing 3 weeks to see 'Closed for the Winter'

[Steven]

An Irish family have been found dead outside the Dublin Odeon. They had been queueing 3 weeks to see 'Closed for the Winter'

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/RollingaboutGif.gifhttp://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/RollingaboutGif.gifhttp://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/RollingaboutGif.gif

[Steven]

These three men are due to be executed by the electric chair. There is an Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman. As I said they are due to be executed by the electric chair. ( this is a known fact that if the chair does not work You are set free) The first man to go is the Englishman they strap him in the executioner asks,do You have any last words, the Englishman says no, they threw the switch. Nothing happened, they tried again nothing happened 'okay', you're free to go, the next man up is the Welshman again, they strap him in, again the executioner says, do you have any last words, The Welshman says no, 'okay' they threw the switch. Nothing happened, they tried again, nothing happened. Okay, you're free to go. Up comes the Irishman,They strap him in the executioner says, do you have any last words, and the Irishman says yes, your chair is not plugged in.

[iain]

:D :D :D :D

Keep them coming folks!

[chippie]

Good God what have you lot unleashed here. We,ll all be in the ozzy with split sides very soon, let them roll.

Have you heard this one?

No, I,ve run out of batteries for me hearing aid:hug:

[ChrisGeorge]

Also wanted to say I am enjoying these jokes. Great stuff! :PDT11

Chris

[drone_pilot]

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived
a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3
wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration
and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy
beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the
edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy
Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does
your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had
been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course
through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said
"I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young
man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like
of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to
fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke
"Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock
of bright blue electricity,she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had
ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her
rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my
b***s chopped off now, don't you?"

[phredd]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Phredd

[phredd]

The Vet & The Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£250!", she cried, "£250 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

"The vet shrugged! I'm sorry but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
£250.00.

[drone_pilot]

European security levels

Reports indicate that the English are feeling the pinch in relation to
recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from 'Miffed'
to 'Peeved'. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross'
since 'the blitz' in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists
have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to a Bloody Nuisance.' The last
time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was during the
great fire of 1666.


Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide.' The only two higher levels in
France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate.' The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from ' Shout Loudly and
Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing.' Two more levels remain:
'Ineffective Combat' Operations' and 'Change Sides.'

The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to
'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.' They also have two higher
levels: 'Invade a Neighbour' and 'Lose.'

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[Norm NZ]

One of my 'mates'? having a go at my ancestry passed this on to me! should I be offended???

Subject: Iraqi Footballer

The Liverpool manager flew to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranged him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. ˜Hello Mum, guess what?' he says in an Iraqi accent. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his Mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset, 'What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry. ' 'Sorry? Sorry?' says his Mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place! :PDT_Xtremez_12:

[chippie]

oooops:ninja:

[Gerard]

This fella go's the sausage factory (The Grafton) every week and cant cop off.
He's gorra baldy 'Ead like Kojak so he gets a Stavros curly Wig..
(No..it wusnt me..I had me bryan ferry quiff back then and I copped 3 times a night:rolleyes:)
So he go's the Grafton with his new Kevin Keegan wig and Mud are playin'..
yer know..that Tiger feet ditty...Weyyyyy..he's off on his own without his mates on the dance floor and all the girls are goin' beserk to cop for him cause he's givin' it all the John Travolta m'larky..
Anyway..Thingyo cops off with Gail from Preston who's down the grafton on a coach for the night and She's gorra hotel for the night in the Feathers on Mount Pleasant and she says t' thingyo..(I've forgot his name..sorry)..

C'mon Billy Lad..you'll do f' me..and she takes thingyo back the feathers..
After..a nice Chinese at the Ma Bo..
Thee get the hotel room and start all that M'larky and his wig falls off when he's under the blankets looking for his Lighter..
And Gail puts her hand under and feels his big baldy 'ead and says.

Oooooohhhhh...

Errrmm..I think Id better stop ere...Lol...

[lottie]

Whats the height of conceit?..............Having an orgasm and calling out your own name!

[Gerard]

This other fellla goes for an Interview to get a job in the parks and gardens.
The boss man doin' the Interview takes him for a walk around Calderstones park and says.."Right Tommy..Whats that shrub over there Lad".
Mmmmmm..Now ..errrr..that'll be a Rhododendron.
Correct Tom..Well done..
Now that Rose bush over there..whats that called Tom..
Right..Now ..errrrrrrrrrrrrr..I reckon that is the Climbing yellow Rose Golden Showers...(The interview was in winter so Tommy thought He'd get the yellow bit in)
Spot on Tommy Kiddderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..
Now Tom..get this one right Lad and the job is yours..its in 2 parts..
OK Boss...fire away Tommy says
Whats that tree called over there Tom...take yer time now Larrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..:unibrow:


Mmmmmmmmmmmmm..ermmmmmmmm..Ang on...Errrrrr...that is definately a Japanese Maple...
Jaaaaaaeeeesss Tom your good at this Gardnin m'larky aren't yer.....Larrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr :unibrow:

Now....for the Job Lad..what is the front and what is the back of the tree..

Mmm ...Eh up...Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...ermmmmmmmm..
Thats the front there Boss..That bit mate pointing at the tree.
Wellll..how did yer know that Tom.

Cause a dog has had a Sh** around the back of it.

[shank]

Englishman Irishman and a Welshman walk into the pub and the barman said is this a joke

[lottie]

A three-year-old boy was examining his ********* while taking a bath.

"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet" she replied...........................

[drone_pilot]

What Nine letter word starts with N, ends with N, and the middle letter is an N, and is another word for Constipation.

Scroll down for answer.




























































































































NNNNNNNNN. :PDT_Aliboronz_24::PDT11

[Ged]

There's a bloke in the bath when his little son inadvertantly walks in on him, 'What's that there dad' he says, pointing at his tackle. A bit embarrassed, his dad thinks for a minutes and says, 'that son is my rocket, now off you go' to which the boy replies 'It's not very big for a rocket is it'.
Dad thinks again and says' ah yeah, but it gets bigger when it gets near ma's.

[taffy]

The afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true
to his word he made contact,
'Mary. Mary.'

'Is that you, Fred?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast,
off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have
sex
twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex
pretty much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at
night.
The next day it starts again.'

'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'


scroll down

























'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk.'

[Steven]

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/biglaugh-1.gifhttp://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/biglaugh-1.gifhttp://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/biglaugh-1.gif

[Steven]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took
himself off to the doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little
paper bag."

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but
I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back
and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got
back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper
bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the
doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!"
said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked
the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a
little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other
intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a
little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and
required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little
paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a
homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm
just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said
the doctor
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"Your mother must have been a carrier".

[chippie]

Steven, that was brilliant. :handclap:

Liked yours too Lottie :handclap:

Ged, your fired.......:unibrow:

[MariaC]

Good God what have you lot unleashed here. We,ll all be in the ozzy with split sides very soon, let them roll.

Have you heard this one?

No, I,ve run out of batteries for me hearing aid:hug:


You've just reminded me (an' I think this is a joke, so will you tell me if its funny ?)

A frend off mine was hard of hearing an' so she signed on for a disability allowance.
So I met her in the street on Monday an' I said, "Well how did you get on over yer claim?"

"Oh! I don't know Maria," she shouts a lot. " I haven't HEARD anything yet."

[ChrisGeorge]

You've just reminded me (an' I think this is a joke, so will you tell me if its funny ?)

A frend off mine was hard of hearing an' so she signed on for a disability allowance.
So I met her in the street on Monday an' I said, "Well how did you get on over yer claim?"

"Oh! I don't know Maria," she shouts a lot. " I haven't HEARD anything yet."


I like it, Maria.

Along similar lines, one time when my grandad had fallen and broken his leg, my mother and I phoned him from here in the United States.

The phone connection was not too great so we had to shout.

I asked him, "Are you having any pain?"

He answered, "No the weather here's been quite nice!"

Chris

[Steven]

On the same theme of hearing.

A man was returned to the hospital ward after an exploritory operation. A young student nurse was told to sit with him and when he 'came out' from the anasthetic, to make him as comfortable as possible.

He came around and muttered something but because of the oxygen mask, she couldn't hear him properly. She asked him to repeat and he said,
"Are my testicles black?"

Oh! Well, she thought, I was told to make him comfortable. So she had a good look and a probe around, examining them very carefully.

"No they are not black," she stated.

The man removed his oxygen mask and said,
"That was wonderful nurse but Are My Test Results Back ?

[drone_pilot]

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar,
order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and
sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled
and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon
their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks
over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to
the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of
the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender
asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that
blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the
record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it
together..... the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together
in 51 days!"

[robbo176]

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
............but she didn't wear that one very often

[Gerard]

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
............but she didn't wear that one very often


Brill mand.. :PDT_Aliboronz_11:

[drone_pilot]

A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish
you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away
my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[drone_pilot]

A woman wants the inside of her house painted, and she calls a
contractor in to help her. They wander around the house as she points
out the colors she wants. She says, "Now in the living room, I'd like
to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it.
Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide. They wander into
the next room. She says, "In the dining room, I'd like a light white,
not stark, but very bright and airy."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it.
Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!"

The woman is even more perplexed, but still she lets it slide. They
wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like
blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it.
Then once more he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side
up!"

This was too much. The woman had to ask. So she says, "Every time I
tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the
window 'Green Side Up'. What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four Mancunian's laying
turf across the street."

[Steven]

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/RollingaboutGif.gif
Love them all
http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/biglaugh.gifhttp://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/biglaugh.gif

[elf]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite
being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla
Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.


After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to
’ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to
bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says,
"If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can
have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand
and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an
hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem
hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind
blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and
Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
scouser, she stole ma wallet !".

[shytalk]

HAHA love it. :PDT_Aliboronz_24:

[chippie]

I,ve never laughed so much,,, the tears are running down me legs:p

[PhilipG]

What's black and white, and rolls in the gutter?




























































































A drunken nun.

[elf]

A man goes to the doctor and gets told that he only has a week to live. He is told he has a very rare kind of cancer called Yellow 257.

He goes home and decides to spend his last week doing things he'd always wanted to do but never had the time. That night he goes to play bingo for the first time in his life. He buys only one book, yet he goes on to win every single line and every house all night!

The bingo caller approaches him on his way out and he says, "I've been calling bingo for 20 years, and never ever have I once seen one player win every line and every house all night. You are quite possibly the luckiest person I have ever met!"

The man replies, "Me!? Lucky!? You've gotta be joking! I've got Yellow 257!"

"Jesus!" says the bingo caller "you've won the bleeding raffle as well!"

[robbo176]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert,
have set up their tent, and are asleep.

Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

"Tonto replies "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evidence the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What it tell you Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks:
"Tonto you dickhead, someone has stolen our tent."

[MariaC]

:) A cracker Robbo.

[drone_pilot]

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door.

A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy is amused,
And decides to humour her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker
Requirements in order to join.

The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's
parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish.
I'll drink any man in your club under the table." The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a
couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my



Nipples a few times and I kind of liked it."

[drone_pilot]

A man lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he had always enjoyed doing many things that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore.
He decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down, and saw a man on the
sidewalk below skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?
I still have one good arm to do things with.
There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms.
He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself.
He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."

[PhilipG]

It's from true stories from call centres.

---------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
__________________

[lottie]

Very good :handclap:

[Steven]

:PDT11 Brill Philip G:PDT_Aliboronz_24::handclap::handclap:

[Ged]

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
............but she didn't wear that one very often

I don't get it (very often) what's the rest of it???

[lottie]

I don't get it (very often) what's the rest of it???

think it ends like this:

and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her ***t

[Steven]

Lol. You are being wound up Lottie. No further explanations are needed. He knows exactly what is meant. lol.

[PhilipG]

I would take these with a pinch of salt but they made me smile.


Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
----------------------------------------------------------------------

[phredd]

20 Facts you need to know

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like.... Night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?... Raise my hand.

10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

18. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

[naked lilac]

Ha Ha Ha.. I like #20.. that was class... very funny... :PDT11

[lottie]

Lol. You are being wound up Lottie. No further explanations are needed. He knows exactly what is meant. lol.


Ahh Steven, you may think he knows, BUT does he. After all he HAD to ask so he may bluffing lol. He just thought that if he asked 'as a wind up' he may appear smart lol. :unibrow:

[Steven]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want, after all you're the boss'."

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah

"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether

"Well", says God.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I just fancy owning a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

[Steven]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So, he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and, since it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive lady herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She
let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked him what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening...



>> I loaned my costume to my brother and so I will ask him tomorrow if he enjoyed himself.


:)

[phredd]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4vDClhnJjs&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Evideosift%2Ecom%2Fvideo%2F The%2DInternet%2DCrashed%2DA%2DSpecial%2DReport

Phredd

[shytalk]

One night, after a couple had retired for the night,
the woman became aware that her husband was touching
her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders
and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very
lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her
side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down
the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one
side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her
left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to
her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she
squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side
of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

[drone_pilot]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and
my sandwich please?" "I'm working on the building site across the road",
explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This
continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"."Sounds
marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey
Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the
big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

-------------------

A trucker in Essex stops for a red light, where a blonde jumps out of her
car and knocks on his door.
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load", she warns
him breathlessly.
The trucker ignores her and continues down the street.
When he stops at the next red light, the girl again catches up, jumps out
of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly: "Hi, my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her and continues down the street.
At the third red light, all out of breath the blonde gets out of her car,
runs up, and knocks on the window again.
"Hi, my name is Heather", she repeats, "and you are losing some of your
load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up, and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it,
he says: "Hi, my name is Jack and I'm driving a fu***ng gritter!"

-----------------------

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro
is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant. "Those
fellas at Mercedes think of everything!"

-------------------------

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when
he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a
handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight
times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the
peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because
of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady
answers, "We just love the chocolate around them".
__________________

[Gnomie]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on His face."Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts Himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the Door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can Make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying A cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' ****ed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[miguel]

The cattle foods salesman calling upon the Welsh hill farmer found he wasn't at the farmhouse but up in the hills tending his sheep. So the rep' ambled up to join him and as they strolled they talked business. By chance they came by a sheep that had caught its head in the fence and was wriggling to free itself.
"Sorry, my friend," the farmer grinned but "I can't let an opportunity like this pass me by."
The bemused representative stood and watched as the farmer with his trousers around his ankles gave the sheep what for. Finally finished, the shepherd turned to the rep' and said: "Fancy a bit of that yourself then?"
"Alright," the salesman replied. "But don't hurt my head when you jam it in the fence."

[chippie]

I wish you lot didn,t print such funny jokes, my legs are wet again. too much laughing. :hug:

[Steven]

Say what you mean 'Our Kid'

The tears of happiness are pouring down yer legs ?:PDT11

[chippie]

oh no Steven,,,, I,ve dried them up now:PDT_Aliboronz_24:

[ChrisGeorge]

The cattle foods salesman calling upon the Welsh hill farmer found he wasn't at the farmhouse but up in the hills tending his sheep. . . .

Hi Miguel

Your joke though amusing is on the off-colour side. Let me remind you that our forum rules state:


It also should go without saying that swearing, profanity, sexual references, etc. should be used in moderation.


Everyone posting here should bear this in mind, and Kev did say in the beginning, "Joke of the day, add as many as you wish but keep them *reasonably* clean." Thanks for listening.

Chris

[Howie]

Inspiration behind Beatles Track Finally Revealed

There are many myths surrounding the reasons why John Lennon and Paul McCartney came up with the strange combination of words which led to the song entitled "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds"; some commentators have said it is to do with the fact the Beatles at the time, in 1967, were experimenting with the drug lysergic acid diethylamide (also known as LSD, peculiarly: LAD would have been a better acronym but it was the Sixties) and others have stated that it was inspired by a picture drawn by the very young, at the time, Julian Lennon.

However since the recent death of the Sixties music behemoth, Roger H O'Graines, a close friend, promoter and confident of the late great George Harrison, it has come to light through O'Graines bequest to the Museum of Liverpool of a single photograph that neither of the myths expounded in this article are anywhere near the truth.

In an interview after the release of the photo, Professor Michael Bottal of Liverpool University's School of Music faculty, "This is going to stun the world and cause the history of the Beatles music to be rewritten in a time when there are remaining members still alive today. This is absolutely unprecedented."

In fact it is possible by slowing down the original single, a fraction, on a 1950s Dansette mono record player that the real words of the title can be heard. For those readers who do not have access to a record player of that model the Museum of Liverpool's curator has kindly given us permission to reproduce, exclusively, the photograph.

http://www.thespoof.com/sitepics/pdi/31707-2321looseat.jpg

Source: TheSpoof.com (http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s4i22589)

[iain]

Heather Mills is taking Macca to court over him allegedly hitting her with her prosthetic limbs. Macca's lawyer says she hasn't got a leg to stand on

:rolleyes:


A man walks into the dentist's and says "I think I'm a moth"
"Fine" says the dentist. "But why come in here?"
"Well, the light was on"

:disgust: :unibrow:

[Paul D]

A fella was lying in hospital with 80% burns,his wife asked the doctor can't you give him something to help him with pain,the doctor said I was just about to give him some Viagra,the women looked puzzled and said "will that help with the pain?" and the doctor said "no but it will keep the sheets off his legs":unibrow: :rolleyes:

[iain]

:handclap: LOL :PDT11

[RoddersUK]

I've heard that they give viagra to old men in retirement homes to stop them rolling out of bed at night. :)

[Cloggie]

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I
went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form
that had to be filled out.She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"And what do you call that?"

"A Farton."

She laughed and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of
them sounds a bit crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the
office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

[Ged]

Upon arriving at the pearly gates one boxing day, St. Peter asked the 3 new arrivals that as it was Christmas, they should provide some evidence of having celebrated Christmas in the festive traditional manner. One chap rattling his keys aloud announced that the sound reminded him of sleigh bells, he was allowed in with a glowing smile from Peter. The 2nd chap held his cigarette lighter aloft, the flickering flame reminiscent of a candle in the night. You may pass said the happy Saint. The third chap fumbled around in his pocket for a while until he produced a pair of knickers and waved him above his head shouting 'Whayayyy'. Bemused, St. Peter asked whatever on earth, or, as the case may be, in heaven, a pair of knickers had to do with Christmas? Swaying slightly, he loudly proclaimed 'They're Carols'.

[Steven]

A woman walks into the doctor's surgery but doesn't like the way he's looking at her.
When he tells her to undress, she asks him to turn out the lights before she disrobes. After he turns out the lights she says: "Where will I put my clothes?"
"Hang them up over here," he says. "Next to mine."


Sent to me by Andrea:handclap:

[Ged]

What have gynecologists got in common with pizza delivery boys?

They can both smell it but they can't eat it ha ha ha....

[drone_pilot]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just laid there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[drone_pilot]

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.

At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm.


The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.


This continues with the next patient:

Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"


"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

[iain]

Drone Pilot - I take my hat off to you :handclap: :PDT_Aliboronz_24: :PDT11 :unibrow:

[Mark R]

I got a phone call from Placido Domingo & Jose Carreras yesterday - they asked me if I could lend them a tenner...

[robbo176]

A drunk was staggering along the road when he saw a man repairing his car."whats up mate?" he asked."Piston broke" replied the man "Yeah" replied the drunk "so am I"

[drone_pilot]

I got a phone call from Placido Domingo & Jose Carreras yesterday - they asked me if I could lend them a tenner...


Groan, LOL i like it, just my type of humour.

[drone_pilot]

A bloke stood over his tee shot for a long time, looking up, looking
down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
All this was driving his golfing partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner said, "Just hit the bloody ball will ya!"

The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, mate," said the partner. "There's no way you can hit her
from here."

[drone_pilot]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely
packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he
asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man
jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice

"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes
into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts

"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this
impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a
Jazz chord".

Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate
his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass!
You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike, and
starts to sing.....

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you................."

[Soreofhing]

The Mother Superior of St. Kathleen's Convent needed to go into the local village to pick up a box a bibles which she had ordered but she had never learnt how to drive so she told the young novice Mary O'Brady to drive her in.
They were chugging along the country lane when suddenly The Devil himself jumped out from behind a tree and leaped on the bonnet, and Mary screeched to a halt trembling with fear.
The Mother Superior was more composed and told Mary "Don't be frightened my child, show him your Cross", so Mary got out of the car and yelled out to the Devil "Get off the bloody car you stinking *******!"

[Mark R]

See Marcel Marceau died recently. I wonder if they had a minutes' noise..?

[Soreofhing]

Paddy was drunk and was wandering around a fairground when he saw a shooting gallery so he lurched up to the attendent and demanded a rifle to shoot the little metal ducks.
The attendent thought that there was no way the drunk could win so he received the money and gave Paddy the rifle. To everyone's surprise Paddy won and the attendent gave him his prize--a live squirming tortoise in a plastic bag.
After wandering around some more Paddy returned to try his luck once more and, surprise surprise, he won again.
The amazed attendent told Paddy that he could chose his prize from the top shelf.
"What do you want? A teddybear, a bunch of plastic flowers or a doll?" said the attendent, to which Paddy replied "Nah, Oi don't want them, just gimme anuva of dose warm crusty meat pies".

[goodfriend]

Hi ,
I have many favorite dvds and videos.
Some days ago , I want to put them onto my ipod video , some friends recommend a software to me at http://www.oursdownload.com/convert-DVD-video-to-iPod-video.html
It works pretty good . I am very glad .
If you want to cut any part of video to ipod , just using a software at http://www.oursdownload.com/dvd-and-video-to-ipod.html
Have a good day .

[lottie]

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth”.

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."

"Fcuk me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the fcukin raffle as well."

[Steven]

Lottie!!!http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/Rainbowtrick.gif
http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/rofl.gifhttp://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/rofl.gif

[Ged]

Ha ha - that'd been cracker that Lottie if I hadn't already read it in message 56. ;)

[lottie]

Ged, i just got it sent to me...... i haven't got as good a memory as you :PDT10 lol

[Steven]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .






Wait for it. .










It's coming. .







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."


Very Happy

[ChrisGeorge]

A good one! Thanks, Steven!

Chris

[chippie]

Eye eye that,s shallot good one Ste:PDT_Aliboronz_24:

[chippie]

Lottie that was a good one too. reminds me of my bingo days, ha ha

[lottie]

Subject: 7 Kinds of Sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex
until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually
have sex only in the bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both
say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot
stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of
everyone.

And last, but not least...

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each
month. But it's not enough to live on.

[lottie]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.



Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.








How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America ?





I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."




Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!








Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.



Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"







And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

[chippie]

You,d go far with that wit Lottie, I likes

[lottie]

Only in America!

If anyone wanted proof about how corrupt America is both politically and morally the following tale offers ample illustration.

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR

Charlotte, North Carolina. USA.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued. And WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim!

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

[lottie]

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door
Neighbors' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".
He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is
Still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in OUR yard. now lets see how THEY like it!”

[billo]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[lottie]

A little girl finds her dog dead with its legs in the air and asks her dad why its like that. Dad say's 'it's died and is like that so that jesus can pick him up and take him to heaven'.Next day she says ' dad, mum nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting 'oh jesus, i'm coming, i'm coming' and if the milkman hadn't been holding her down we'd have lost her!

[lottie]

A little girl accidently sees her father in the shower. She's curious and asks what his testicles are. 'those are the apples of the tree of life' he tells her. Impressed she repeats this to her motherwho adds: 'did he say anything about the dead f****** branch they're hanging on!

[jimmy]

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such a young age.


The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those arseholes at Bunnings ever deliver the f cking Gyprock..." :PDT_Aliboronz_11:

[drone_pilot]

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. !

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[Mark R]

A Manc and a Scouser are fighting over a lamp. All of a sudden a genie appears out of it. The Manc says "It's mine - I found it." The Scouser replies "No you didn't - I saw it first."
The genie settles the argument by offering them a wish each.
the Manc says "I'm going first. I want every b****** Scouser thrown out of Manchester, and a 50 foot high perimeter wall built, encircling Manchester so the b******* can't get back in."
The genie complies. "Your wish is granted."
The genie then turns to the Scouser "And your wish?"
To which the Scouser replies "Fill it up with water..."

[drone_pilot]

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted.


Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1 -- Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 - Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 -- Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 -- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 -- Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. ***** is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 -- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 -- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili #8 -- Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[jimmy]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many
books on the subject. And, finally getting all the necessary
tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her
comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed ,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured
a thermos of Cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now
worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the ice.
She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and asked ,
"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice replied ,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

:PDT_Aliboronz_24:

[jimmy]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.


He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."


She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."


"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."


She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."


The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"


"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."


The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"


"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."


The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

[lottie]

Woman takes young innocent boy home for sex and wants a 69. Boy asks 'whats that?' woman says' you put your head between my legs and i do the same to you'. When doing it she farts and says sorry, she says 'lets try again' and she farts again. He gets up and starts dressing she says 'what are you doing?' He says 'i'm not hanging around for another 67 of them'.

[jimmy]

Test for Idiocy
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!!



First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?




~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?




Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?




~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the ! name of the fifth daughter?




~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?


~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~




He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!

[jimmy]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a
hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost
certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" He'd yell
back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his
jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince
Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what
he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he
became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five
pounds, you tight ba**ard?!"

[drone_pilot]

A burglar has broken into a house and is happily going through the owners gear.
He is just about to unplug the DVD when he hears a voice.
“Jesus is watching you.”
He puts it down to over work and continues, this time with the TV.
Again he hears “Jesus is watching you.”
He's a bit spooked now, but being the professional that he is he carries on.
Once more he hears it “Jesus is watching you.”
Although he is not religious this is causing him some concern and so he switches his torch on and scans the room.
His torch falls upon a large parrot. The burglar asks “Was that you?”
“Yes.” replied the parrot.
Intrigued the burglar had to ask “What's your name?”
“George” says the parrot.
“George!” laughs the burglar “That's a stupid name for a parrot”
So the parrot calmly replies,
“Jesus is a stupid name for a Rottweiler but he's still watching you.”

[lottie]

Hahahahahahahaha

[ChrisGeorge]

Ha ha. I like the Prince Charles and burglar jokes. Good stuff. :handclap:

Chris

[gregs dad]

John Kelly a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking
on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on
and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.Suddenly,he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John,desperate for shelter and without thinking about it,got into the car and
closed the door...only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn`t on! The car started moving slowly,John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.Scared he started praying, begging for his life.Then, just beforethe car hit the curve,a hand appeared through the
window and turned the wheel. John,paralysed with terror,watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Soon John saw the lights of a pub appear,so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car.Wet and out of breath he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and wasn`t drunk.
Suddenly the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night.They, like John were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around,and seeing John Kelly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other; "Look Paddy..... theres that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

gregs dad
my flickr site; www.flickr.com/photos/exacta2a

[jimmy]

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like
dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.




SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."



SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.



SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that
read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly
ahead and he got stuck under it..
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to
the driver,
"Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!"



SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and s******ing. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."

[jimmy]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WISPERED HER MANAGER, " GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!" DEAD?", SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? "WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER. "HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE. I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW.

[jimmy]

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . .. .. .




(scroll down)











"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[jimmy]

Fw: Genuine letter to Edinburgh police...

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this meassage on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking products of a one night stand are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortuneatly they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no ther purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer

Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ****s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards
???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.

[chippie]

What a nice way to wake up and read Jimmy,s jokes on a Saturday morning, yjank you Jimmy for putting several smiles on my otherwise frozen face.

:)

[chippie]

I don,t have a joke but maybe this will make you smile as you wake up today

[gregs dad]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Liverpool copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the copper, because he is a London lawyer
and is certain that he has a better education than any Scouse copper.
He decides to to prove this to himself and have some fun at the coppers expense!

The copper says,`License and registration,please`
Lawyer says,`What for, Officer`?
Liverpool copper says`You didn`t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.`
Lawyer says `I slowed down,and no one was coming.`
Copper says,`You still didn`t come to a complete stop, License and registration,please.`
Lawyer says,`Whats the difference?`
Copper says,`The difference is,you have to come to a complete stop,that `s
the law.
`License and registration,please!`

The lawyer then says,`If you can show me the difference between slow down
and stop, I`ll give you my license and registration,and you give me the ticket`
ok.

Scouse cop says,`Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle,sir`
.
The London lawyer then exits his vehicle.

The Scouse cop takes out his baton and begins to beat the living daylights
of the London lawyer and at the same time says to him,
Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?`

gregs dad

[jimmy]

News Flash

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside, Liverpool. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Thievin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.

:PDT11 :PDT_Aliboronz_24:

[jimmy]

Scouse Eggs
Two Scousers riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. "R hey lad" they say "gissa lift".

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the *******s have managed to nick a motorbike already".

:PDT_Aliboronz_11::PDT_Aliboronz_24:

[jimmy]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now;
The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready,
I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand - it is very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.........

[jimmy]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh*t now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that **** monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old gits...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull s**t and brilliance only come with age and experience!:PDT_Aliboronz_11:

[lottie]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem ****ed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo
clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said "oh ****." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[lottie]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."



"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.



Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.



But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.



It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.



He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"



"Yes, I do." said Bob



"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"



"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."



"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"



Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did...why do you ask?"



"She just died and left me everything."



(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)



Now keep that smile for the rest of the day

[jimmy]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your ********* are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my ********* are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness! " "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his *********, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his ********* as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's ********* were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

[jimmy]

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had
told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house.
He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to
a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.


James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had
given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but
the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean,
the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a Scouse girl. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix
himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.

[jimmy]

What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

[lottie]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband
a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that
all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she
wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a

fortune.



'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a
very large bullfrog. They say it's been
trained to give
blowjobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It
hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he
said.



The woman thought it would be a great gag gift,
and what if it's true...no
more blow jobs for
her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained
froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
skeptical and
laughed it off! .

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
may never need to perform this
less than riveting act
again.



In the middle of the night, she was awakened
by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making
hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
downstairs to the
kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading
cookbooks.



'What are you two doing
at this hour?' she asked.



The husband replied, 'If I
can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

[Steven]

:PDT_Aliboronz_24::PDT11:PDT_Aliboronz_24::PDT11:P DT_Aliboronz_24:

[jimmy]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her
right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon
at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got
up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a
half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the river."

[jimmy]

Billy was at school one morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was true. "No" said Billy. "He plays football for England but I was just too embarrassed to say

[jimmy]

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, ****, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again... for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure... but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[jimmy]

JACK SCHITT

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

[john]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[john]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?

[john]

http://by128w.bay128.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.133.121/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d27283683-3fe1-4a9b-aadc-e0e861536a86.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3dQVRUMDAwMDIuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a004201c82bcf%252460ad 1680%2524ff3b6f58%2540DDPMMT1J&oneredir=1&ip=10.1.106.97&d=d225&mf=0

[lottie]

Two guys are bungee jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two of them pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back and he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine. Hey, what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

weechris

[john]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, ”You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[jimmy]

SUBJECT: WHAT IS A TRAGEDY?

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he dropped in on one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy. "No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the president. That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an effin accident either.

[jimmy]

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the
morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of your self!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband ...............

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk!!!!!!!!!!

[drone_pilot]

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

[jimmy]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking (as you do), and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

[jimmy]

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she Answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was,

"Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask The Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because
the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

"That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Chris Tarrant any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

I need an answer," said Chris.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. Yes, that is my final answer."

Chris said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is... absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because Of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

[jimmy]

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[jimmy]

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These **** girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[drone_pilot]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife, "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks, "No, I did not! Its 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember? about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

Yes" comes back the answer.

Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband, "Yes. Please!" come’s the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[ChrisGeorge]

Give us another Drone. Jimmy already told this one at http://www.yoliverpool.com/forum/showpost.php?p=90565&postcount=160 -- Thanks. Loved your dog food story. :PDT11

Chris

[drone_pilot]

A recent survey in England asked the following question:



Are there too many foreigners in this country now?



Answer:



20%: YES



10% : NO



70% : معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

[lottie]

I took my dad to shopping the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite when we got to the shopping center.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,

"What's the matter old yin, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response.

In classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.


"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son."

[chippie]

it,s a cracker Lottie. And was it?

[jimmy]

There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.

She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.

In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?"

The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?"

The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"

Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"

The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"

[jimmy]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to
the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've
just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll
have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You
also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year".

The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"

[jimmy]

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St.Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other. "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

[jimmy]

A man escaped from a prison in which he'd been locked up for fifteen years. He broke into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he found a young couple in bed. He ordered the guy out of the bed and tied him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict got on top of her, kissed her neck, then got up to go into the bathroom.

While he was in there, the husband whispered to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responded, "He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

"Be strong. I love you, too."

[jimmy]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by
a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant
Major
for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
'The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks
like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but
when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.
'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several
times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said,
'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I
hope not, it's only 2130 now.'

[jimmy]

everybody has a dog called rover or some other name not me mine is called SEX Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

[jimmy]

Management course:


Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £1000 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He takes a good look while she just thinks of the £money£. After a few minutes, Bob hands her £1000 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £1000 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Of course, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of the sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the 3-minute management course.

[john]

A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself . 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for?'

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan . 'Love to fly and it shows?'

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself 'Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.

He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways ...' and said, 'Smooth as Silk?'

This time, the woman turned to him and said, 'What the **** do you want?'

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and said . 'Ahhhhh,Ryanair!'

[jimmy]

CURTAIN RODS---- PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with
his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in
the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place.

;

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[jimmy]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****. :)

[jimmy]

BBQ rules

After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.


More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.


Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.


More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

[lottie]

The love story of Ralph and Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't

mean they don't love you with all they have.



Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they



were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into

the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled

him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act

she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she

now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news

and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were

able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life

of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound

mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his

bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon

can I go home?"

Happy Mental Health day!

[lottie]

To my friends with Children: Why parents drink

The boss wondered why one of his most dependable and valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hell o ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and still wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

[lottie]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"



God replied: "I didn't recognise you."...lol

[jimmy]

Recently, a police patrol parked outside a local
neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer
noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated, that he
could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity
(trying his keys on five
Vehicles, the man managed to find his car and FELL in.
He was sat there for a few minutes as a number of
other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he
started the car, switched the wipers on and off (no
rain), flicked the turn signals on and off, tooted the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and
then remained stationary for a few more minutes (as
more patrons left in their vehicles. At last, he
pulled out of the lot and started to drive slowly down
the road. The police officer, having patiently waited
all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on
the flashing lights & promptly pulled the man over.
He administered the Breathalyzer test, but to his
amazement there was no evidence of the man having
consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer
said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be
broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the
designated decoy."

[jimmy]

A SQUIRREL'S TALE





REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE U.K. VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We Shall Overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile.

The squirrel's food is seized and redistributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a short fall in government funds.

THE END

[jimmy]

The Train Set


A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five year
old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying,

All of you buggers who want to get off, get the hell off now,
cause this is the last stop!
And all of you buggers who are getting on, get your ass in the
train, cause we are going down the tracks now.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, We dont use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and
stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
son say,
All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember
to take all your belongings with you.

We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip
was a pleasant one.
She hears the little boy continue,

For those of you are just boarding, we ask you to stow all of
your hand luggage under your seat.

Remember there is no smoking on the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us
today.
As the mother began to smile, the child added,

For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
please see the fat ***** in the kitchen.

[jimmy]

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in
his office wondering what kind of mischief he could
perpetrate against the United States when his telephone
rang.

"Hello, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This
is Paddy from the Harp pub in Sligo - under our flag, I am
ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war
on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important
news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's
calculation,"there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door
neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That
makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one
hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my
command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you ! back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac,
the war is still on. We have
managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm
tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I
have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also,
I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since
we last spoke."



"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back
to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac,
the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves
airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light
with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from
the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat.! "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers
and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by
laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we
last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand
!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring
you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the
mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had
to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a
bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can
feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

[jimmy]

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He
thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes when
you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone box near the hotel and
found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl,
bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long
wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her.....you know the
kind. He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel. When
back in the room he figures, what the hell give her a call?

"Hello?" the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. I'm talking kinky, the whole night long.. You name
it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your
bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap
on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want
baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to
press 9".

[jimmy]

THE 1500'S

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be Here are some facts about the1500s:


Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ..dead ringer..

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

[lottie]

Two Old Maid Sisters

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's
Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm
not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not
coming home 'til I've been laid!!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 p.m. so
I don't worry about you."
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of
Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15
mins. after 1:00 AM the front door flys open. In runs
Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay,
Gladys???"
No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys
with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and
her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys???
What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5
when it came out. When I find the other half you're
gonna have the time of your life!!!

[jimmy]

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR ...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .... But that's not the worst of it.


My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.


It takes me hours to reach my maxi mum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --





Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter. .....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[jimmy]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling , and the

86-year-old said ,

Things are great and I've never felt better.

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and

then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you , who is an avid hunter

and never misses a season.


One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane

instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.


Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,

"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[jimmy]

SCHOOL 1957 vs. 2007



Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good caning by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normally, goes to uni, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's Mum has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school .
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro gets extra tuition, passes English, goes to Uni.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. Class action lawsuit filed by anti discrimination commissioner against Education Dept and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model aeroplane paint bottle, blows up an ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - Local police & AFP called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, parents investigated, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during morning tea and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison while Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[drone_pilot]

Imagine my joy when getting out the xmas decorations,
I found a presant i forgot to give my kids last year,
their excited face was a picture as they unwrapped it
and opened the box...













unfortunatly it was a puppy.....:PDT_Xtremez_42:

[jimmy]

Never Discount Wisdom When The Outcome Is Important!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their
weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful
young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She
explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of
golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio
whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a
topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you
want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories
or do anything that you normally do when playing a round
tog ether, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself p r etty
good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her
ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards
down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The
blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I
have faded it a little.' After the three guys hit their drives and
their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the
ball within five feet of the hole (She was closest to the pin.) The son
said, '****, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy
seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.'
She then tapped in the fi ve-footer for a birdie.

Having the h onors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell
out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the
middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the
guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par,
and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She
turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for
not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use
or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like
to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make
par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some
35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak
dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.

The yuppie son j umped at the thought! He strolled across the green,
carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim
about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get
over that little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a
plumb. Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10
inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it
falls into the cup.

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball,
picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme,
sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME
SKILL AND YOUTHFUL VITALITY EVERY TIME.

[lottie]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God
was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said,
"THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will
run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the
better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off.. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse
word known in the underworld. (And on TV!!)

Jesus just quietly sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all
GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not
fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,


"JESUS SAVES!"

[lottie]

Confessional
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."

The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in."

[lottie]

Drunk Confession...
A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

The drunk replies: "Thersh no use knockin' mate, thersh no paper in this one either."

[lottie]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.



Naturally,there was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged-but-wise Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate.
However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish,
they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.



On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
Next ... the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple.



With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten,
that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy.



Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened?
The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue!"



Meanwhile ... the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue!!" said Moshe.
"First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy,
so I gave him The Finger!
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews
and I said to him we're staying right here."



"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows? " said Moshe, "He took out his lunch ...so I took out mine."

[caterina]

Two snakes one said to the other are we poisinous cos i have just bit my bottom lip.. Lol


Caterina..

[jimmy]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.


She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.


He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.


As they walked through the ape exhibit,


they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.


Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.


He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he
grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.


He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.


The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.


He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.


"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.


Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.


"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

[jimmy]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.







He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."



The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.

As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."




So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.





THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.

NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?







COME ON GUESS!








OOOOOOOHHHHHHH
COME ON -- DON'T BE A POOP!

*


*


*
*

SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!

She's old....... NOT DEAD !!!


OLD LADIES ROCK

[jimmy]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?'
Asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop
sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch
and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and
didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
And said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*ck would you say?'

[jimmy]

Dear Bob:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the makeup, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk
----------------------------
Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
Bob

[jimmy]

A man walked into the produce section of his local Coles
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that
they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his
manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the
manager,
"Some old ******* wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man
standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman
kindly
offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his
way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like
people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the
manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but *****s
and rugby players there."
"I see," replied the manager. "My wife is from
New Zealand!"
"Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[jimmy]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

[lindylou]

A text that is circulating :


NEWS FLASH.

The police are looking 4 a suspect described - sexy, intelligent, funny, and good in bed.


You're safe, but where the f **k am I gonna' hide !


;)


that did make me laugh - - I don't usually swear tho' :unibrow: ha,ha.

[jimmy]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of
you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far
south west of Queensland)


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that
the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody
quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling
down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I
like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed
and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no
calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though,
but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see
what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks
or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon
and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a
'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the
back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya
like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself
comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even
load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have
to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when
you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real
careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil
and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,
but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila. XX

[jimmy]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.


The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple a asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex , the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are
you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

' NO SH!T.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'

[Steven]

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[jimmy]

As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.




1. What do you put in a toaster?









Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.











2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?










Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue brick s and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black brick s , what is a green house made from?








Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks,"

why the hell are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.





4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?







Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on . In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?








Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

[jimmy]

Don't take it seriously when...

When the DOCTOR says, Take off your clothes.

When the DENTIST says, Open wide.

When the HAIRDRESSER says, Do you want it teased or blown?

When the MILKMAN says, Do you want it in the front or the back?

When the INTERIOR DECORATOR says, Once it's in, you'll love it.

When the SHARE BROKER says, It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again.

When the BANKER says, If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

When the HUNTER says, Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

When the TELEPHONE GUY says, Would you like it On the table or against the wall?

[jimmy]

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top o f him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[PhilipG]

This was sent to me, so I'll pass it on.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2061/2193457447_058e7070d5_o.jpg

[drone_pilot]

Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis.

After a few spliffs they run out of gear.

One of the men stands up and says, 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.'

Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.

On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag.

Within seconds he passes out.

Ten minutes go by and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to hospital.

On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care.

The doctor returns to his friends and asks, 'So what was he doing then? Cannabis?'

'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'

'Oh' replies the doctor, 'so what did you put in it?'

'Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'

The doctor sighs, 'Well that explains it.'

'Why, what's wrong with him?' demands one of the men.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
.
.
.
The doctor replies, 'He's in a korma.'

[Steven]

Anna had lost her husband almost five years ago and was still
> feeling
> miserable. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to
> get
> back into the world. Finally, Anna said she would go out, but didn't
> know
> anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you
> to
> meet." So they met and it was an immediate hit.
>
>
> They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her
> to
> join him for a weekend in a romantic hotel. Their first night there,
> she
> undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of
> black
> lacy panties while he was in his birthday suit.
>
>
> Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
>
>
> She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
> but
> downstairs I am still in mourning."
>
>
> He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night. The following night was
> the
> same. She stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in
> his
> birthday suit except now he was wearing a black condom.
>
>
> She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
>
>
> He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."



http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/hysterical.gif

[drone_pilot]

Excellent, Steven,

[lottie]

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called
his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her
husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept
over, and two said that he was still there

[naked lilac]

Yodelling .


Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.


Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.


The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.


As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"


"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."


The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.


About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.


The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.


The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.


When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"


"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.


The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"


The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO "

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everything in one place. All new Windows Live!

[lottie]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The scots

> Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in
> their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a
> few shelves set up.
>
> One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going
> to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
>
> No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
>
> Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish
> accent asked
>
> 'What are you selling' here
>
> One of the men replied sarcastically,
>
> 'We're selling arse-holes.'
>
> Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,
>
> 'You are doing well .... Only two left!'
>
> Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Scotsmen

[Steven]

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/rofl.gif
http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/rofl.gif
http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/rofl.gif

[jimmy]

An Australian is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.

The Australian ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You Australian folk eat the whole bread??"

Australian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Australian listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Australian "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to Australia ."

After a moment of silence, The Australian then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Australian "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Australian: "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

[lottie]

Two Glesga boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub
discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything
organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception,
the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

[Steven]

:handclap::PDT11:PDT_Aliboronz_24:

[jimmy]

Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute(Aussie for Utility Vehicle), to go and
check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy *****!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

[Steven]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The
prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up
with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any
worries about being eaten."


A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and
behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam
away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably
does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates
simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that
his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.


http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/rofl.gif


While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He
approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn
cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he
realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy & became a shark," came the reply.



Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set
off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted:
"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."


(You're going to hate me for this)


"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."[color=#000099]


http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/rofl.gif

[Atany]

And then?

[Steven]

And then?

Feel free to add more if you have the humour to improve it,

[Atany]

what means "imrove"?

[Steven]

what means "imrove"?

Are you attempting to say 'What does imrove mean ?" It means it was a spelling mistake - sorry. Now corrected.

[ChrisGeorge]

There's something fishy about those prawn again jokes. :handclap: :PDT_Aliboronz_24:

[jimmy]

A Drover walks into a bar with
A pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
Mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of
its head.

The croc opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.




The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

[jimmy]

A woman walks into the Mangere Social Welfare Office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “are they all yours?”

“Yes they are all mine,” the flustered Mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, “Sit down Rangi.” All the children rush to find seats.

Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”

“This one’s my oldest; he is Rangi.”

“OK, and who’s next?”

“Well, this one, he is Rangi, also.”

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Rangi. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Rangi! “All right,” says the caseworker. “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Rangi?”

Their Mother replied, “Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it’s time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Rangi!’ An’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Rangi!’ an’ they all come running. An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Rangi’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Rangi.”

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”

“Then I call them by their last names.”

__._,_.___

[jimmy]

Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.



A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.


She was afraid she might have something wrong with her,

So she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said, 'OK take off all your crose.'

The woman did as she was told

'Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again, the woman did as she was instructed. .

Dr. Chang then said, 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.

'Your probrem vewy bad. .

You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.

Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

The woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied,



'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.

[Steven]

Heard it before but it's still funnyhttp://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r76/Steven1_bucket/Naughties%20and%20Gifs/rofl.gif

[jimmy]

-Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about five minutes.

When we came out, there was a warden writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a sh * thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.



Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

[jimmy]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a pleasant morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then, there was a gust of wind, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the shot.

The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis, so I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony orchestra. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers, so that you don't **** in your eye.

[jimmy]

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the
first time.
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'al , but I'm gunna wear me sum
hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane.'
'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked?
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying
butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.' The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floeesant orange
panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be
floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties........
'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right.
I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey
always look for da black box first.'

[jimmy]

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her
intimately.
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a
daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your
wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

[molly]

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[jimmy]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.



The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into
the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think
your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
************************************************** ************

[lottie]

Taffy, Jock and Paddy chatting. Taddy say's 'my wife bought a car and she can't drive'. Jock say's 'my wife has gone on a diet and she's not even fat'. Paddy say's 'that's nothing, my wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a c**k'.

[lottie]

A little old man totters into a chemists and asks for 6 viagra tablets. 'And i need them cut into quarters' he say's. The chemist say's 'but, a quarter of a tablet won't give you an full erection'. He say's ' i just want it sticking out far enough so i don't **** over my slippers'.

[lottie]

A son asks his dad the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'. Dad say's 'that's hard, but i have an idea, ask mum if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid'. Mum say's 'yes'. he then say's 'now, ask your sister if she would sleep with the newspaper man for 2 million quid'. Sister say's 'yes'. Dad say's ' well there you go son, Theoretically we're sitting on 3 million quidbut realistically we're living with 2 ****s'.

[Atany]

nice jokes :handclap:

[jimmy]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Yarra river. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Croc. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the river near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings." "Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ******* and a briefcase."

[jimmy]

A photographer for a national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a big forest fire.
The smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
It will be waiting for you at the airport. he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.
He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, Let's go, Let's go! The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. Fly over the north side of the fire , said the photographer, and make three or four low level passes .
Why? asked the pilot.
Because I'm going to take pictures. I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures! said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, You mean you're not my instructor?

[jimmy]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker!'.

He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me all about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

[jimmy]

> Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
> Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
> This is how it manifests:
>
> I decide to water my garden.
>
> As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
> I look over at my car and decide it needs
> washing.
>
> As I start toward the garage,
> I notice mail on the porch table that
> I brought up from the mail box earlier.
>
> I decide to go through the mail before I
> wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys on the table,
> Put the junk mail in the garbage can under
> the table,
> And notice that the can is full.
>
> So, I decide to put the bills back
> On the table and take out the garbage
> first.
>
> But then I think,
> Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
> When I take out the garbage anyway,
> I may as well pay the bills first.
>
> I take my cheque book off the table,
> And see that there is only one cheque left.
>
> My extra cheques are in my desk in the
> study,
> So I go inside the house to my desk where
> I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my cheques,
> But first I need to push the Coke aside
> So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>
> The Coke is getting warm,
> And I decide to put it in the refrigerator
> to keep it cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
> A vase of flowers on the counter
> Catches my eye--they need water.
>
> I put the Coke on the counter and
> Discover my reading glasses that
> I've been searching for all morning.
>
> I decide I better put them back on my desk,
> But first I'm going to water the flowers.
>
> I set the glasses back down on the counter,
> Fill a container with water and suddenly
> spot the TV remote.
> Someone left it on the kitchen table.
>
> I realize that tonight when we go to watch
> TV,
> I'll be looking for the remote,
> But I won't remember that it's on the
> kitchen table,
> So I decide to put it back in the den where
> it belongs,
> But first I'll water the flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers,
> But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
>
> So, I set the remote back on the table,
> Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
>
> Then, I head down the hall trying to
> Remember what I was planning to do.
>
> At the end of the day:
>
> The car isn't washed
>
> The bills aren't paid
>
> There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the
> counter
>
> The flowers don't have enough water,
>
> There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque
> book,
>
> I can't find the remote,
>
> I can't find my glasses,
>
> And I don't remember what I did with the
> car keys.
>
> Then, when I try to figure out why nothing
> got done today,
> I'm really baffled because I know I was
> busy all **** day,
> And I'm really tired.
>
> I realize this is a serious problem,
> And I'll try to get some help for it,
> But first I'll check my e-mail....
>
> Do me a favor.
> Forward this message to everyone you know,
> Because I don't remember who the hell I've
> sent it to.
>
> Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your
> day is coming!!