Football Jokes

[marie]

Manchester United Jokes

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.

Q. What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A: A dope carrier.

Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"

Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Are you Single?

Q: How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.

Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 *****s behind him and 67,000 *******s jumping up and down.

Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: Both are f**ing bad singers!!!

Q: How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.

Q: What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real dick

Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.

[marie]

Becks

David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."

"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless ******...."

David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says 'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies 'No, just a half, then I'm off'

Its the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United. Pondering the situation, he asks his Father, "What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says...
"Wear four out there Romeo"

Q: What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
A: A: They are both f***ing useless singers.

Bet now at bet365.com - includes football betting.

Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box

Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
A: Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.

Q: What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common.
A: They both go in and out of Victoria

Q: What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.

Q: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!

David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.
Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
"No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."

[marie]

Liverpool FC

Rafael Benitez: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player"
Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?"
Rafael Benitez: "Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!"

Q: Why will Liverpool never win the League?
A: They keep scoring Owen goals

Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...

Q: What's is the differance between Pamela Anderson and the Liverpool goal?
A: Pam's only got two **** in front of her

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.

Bet now at bet365.com - includes football betting.

Q: What do Pool Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 2,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How can you tell a level headed Liverpool supporter?
A: He dribbles from both sides of his mouth - at the same time.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Liverpol fan with a pig?
A: Thick bacon...

A father and son were eating breakfast. The fathers newspaper had the headline "Van Gogh sold for £8 million".
The son asked "is he worth it, Dad?", to which the father, surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"
The son said "Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Stan Collymore, and he was crap"

Newsflash: Thieves broke into the home of a Liverpool fan and stole two books. "The thing that upsets me", he said "is that I hadn't finished colouring them in yet!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Liverpudlian?
A: Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Liverpudlian.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a Scowser fan?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they ain't mistaken fur a Liverpudlian women.

Q: Why did Beardsley never play in Scotland
A: Cos he wiz afraid of the Bells (Scottish Premier)

[marie]

Chelsea

Every time Big Roger attends a Chelsea game he books 2 seats.
One to sit in, the other to throw when the fightin starts.

Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"

Q. Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?.
A. Who gives a F**K!

Q: What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig?
A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.

Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.

Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.

Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved

Q: How do you define 144 Chelsea fans
A: Gross Stupidity

Q: Why did Chelsea go on the stock exchange?
A: To prove that crap can float.

Q: What is the difference between Gianfranco Zola and a mini?
A: A mini can only carry three passengers.

Q. Why do Chelsea fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
A. So they know which end to wipe!

I've heard that Stamford Park has arguably the best pitch in the Premiership. Well...not entirely suprising considering all the sh*t that has been on there.

Q: What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!

Q: What do Chelsea keepers and SInger Michael Michael Jackson both have in common?
A: Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q: What does Claudi Ranieri say when Chelsea score?
A: Fantastic. Now let us try to get goal at other end of pitch.

[marie]

http://www.laughfc.co.uk/zimages/chelskit.jpg

http://www.thaimusic.net/vrpics/jose-mourinho-album.jpg

[Howie]

http://web.onetel.net.uk/~howardpaterson/uploads/redsknowbest.jpg

[marie]

http://web.onetel.net.uk/~howardpaterson/uploads/redsknowbest.jpg

Very heavy Howie :PDT_Xtremez_42:








:handclap::handclap::handclap::handclap::handclap: :handclap::handclap:

[marie]

http://thefilter.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/south_park_big.jpg

http://static.flickr.com/24/43963903_54506b9cb1_o.jpg

[marie]

Somes...

[marie]

More...

[marie]

More...

[elianna]

Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.

The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.

The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"

"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."

[elianna]

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.



Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.



Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.



Q. What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A: A dope carrier.

Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"

Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

[elianna]

Strong Man

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[Spike]

Liverpool are playing Everton and a Blue and A red are next to each other in the crowd. The blue looks down and see's that the red has brought his dog with him, full kit and scarf on the dog.

Blue " Why have you brought your dog the match? "

Red " He always comes he loves it "

Blue " He's a bloomin dog, he dont like footy "

Red " He does, he claps along "

Just then the red fans go into song and the dog stands on his hind legs and claps his paws.

red " Told you "

Blue " Oh My God Ive seen it all now, Whats he do if Liverpool Score "

Red " he does two somersaults "

Blue " And how many does he do if Everton Score? "

Red " Depends how hard i kick him up the Arse " :)

[Ged]

Blue: Wow, what would he do if you guys won the league.

Red: Dunno, only had him 17 years.




:ninja:

[elianna]

Horse Riding

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

[elianna]

Smart Bribe

Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn't think he had a chance of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of manslaughter.

The jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared the bribed juror and said: "Thanks. How ever did you manage it?"

"It wasn't easy," admitted the juror. "All the others wanted to acquit you."

[elianna]

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

[elianna]

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

[elianna]

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he?s closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, ?Excuse me, is anyone sitting here??

The man says, ?No.?

Very excited have such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, ?This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it??

The man replies, ?Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven?t seen together since we were married in 1967.?

?Well, that?s really sad,? says Bob, ?but still, couldn?t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend??

?No,? the man replies, ?they?re all at the funeral.?

[elianna]

Four expectant fathers were in the hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, ?Congratulations, you?re the father of twins.?

?Wow!? the man said. ?I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.?

A little while later, the nurse returned and told the second man, ?You sir, are the father of triplets.?

?Amazing! That?s really a coincidence,? he said. ?I work for the 3M Corporation.?

An hour later, the nurse came back and announced to the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he could barely speak. ?I don?t believe it. I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.?

The fourth guy, who had looked more and more unhappy with each development, fainted. When finally revived, he shook his head and was heard to whisper?. ?I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven??.